Roadblocks

I have struggled a bit (a lot) trying to find inspiration and motivation to blog again. Have you noticed? I feel like lots happened, and nothing happened at the same time. It’s been five months since my last post, and while I never stopped dating completely, I did take it very easy. It’s been a summer of festivals, parties and there have barely been weekends that were not planned completely full. And, I’ve bought a house in another city! Especially that one feels huge to me. It (I thought) meant having to make a final decision between settling down and continue to travel the world. Only a few weeks ago I realized one does not cancel out the other. So I made a big commitment, but I feel like it will force a much needed change.

The biggest reason I didn’t feel motivated to write was because nothing changed, and I felt like I had not progressed even a little. I am still single, got frustrated, disappointed and even upset all over again. I spent a lot of time thinking about the whole dating thing, all things I’ve written about before here. My Facebook feed is flooded with engagements and marriages this summer. People flutter from one relationship to the next and I’m still where I was five months ago. But sometimes, just sometimes I am quite pleased with that, especially when I remember to have fun with it. But a lot of times I get a little bummed, when I haven’t managed to overplan my weekends and I sit alone on a Friday night. I think we all know how that feels. FOMO, anyone?

Anyway, it’s not like nothing happened at all. There’s a few things worth mentioning just because they’re good stories.

During the heatwave this summer, I set up a date with swimming pool guy. He had a pool in his backyard. I saw possibilities, try and blame me. We went back and forth a bit and settled on a swimming date only a date later. Not in his pool, but we went to a lake close by. He came and picked me up by car which is something I normally wouldn’t do, but I could not muster the thought of riding my bicycle in the heat. We both brought stuff to fill a picknick basket, and off we went. We found a quiet spot, took off our clothes and jumped in. I didn’t really care getting in bikini on a first date. Conversation was easy, yet at times a little awkward. He wasn’t much of a talker. When we finally made out I found out he wasn’t a great kisser, but to be honest, I just wanted to get laid. So we got dressed, he got a good look, and I made him drive back to my house.

We skipped etiquette, stumbled onto my balcony, and got naked pretty quickly. When he asked if I wanted to take my panties off myself or if he could rip them off, I told him to do it. I wasn’t wearing anything special. I was not disappointed, he was very rough about it. It didn’t take him long to figure out what turned me on. He put his hands around my neck, and there wasn’t much I wouldn’t let him do. We took it inside where he went all out. The fact that it was so freakishly hot added to the whole dirtiness of it. We were both drenched in sweat, not in the least place because we took hours. More specifically, he took hours. HOURS. And then he didn’t, and I was over it a little. It was three in the morning, and I had work the next day. He didn’t seem to mind much, we jumped in the shower, and he asked if he could stay.

We had a quiet breakfast in the morning (which I made him, why?!) and then took off. When he texted me later, he said that he thought the sex was amazing, and fantastic and hot and he’d like to see me again for that, but that he didn’t feel a spark. I told him I was fucking tired of people yakking about sparks. That I was sure he had enough ladies in his contact list to fuck, but that I wasn’t going to be one of them. I was tired of being good enough only to fuck, and at that point I didn’t want to be another fuckbuddy. Looking back now I could have kept him on, but I wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t want to do that anymore.

So I’m back again, continuing to be in good spirits I hope! It feels like I’m always talking to someone, one of these days it has to happen right? I am leaving the best story for the next blog. I’ve been super high and super low on that one, but it’s a long story.

Advertisements

He postponed his flight

So I’ve taken a while to give you an update on the poker player I’ve had such a fantastic first date with. In a way I was hoping to write something conclusive. But; off we go.

When he texted me the day after our date, I took it as a sign of interest, and I was quite pleased. The next few days we went back and forth and I quite quickly asked him if he wanted to go out again before he’d go home. I was under the impression he’d leave pretty soon, so I felt like I had to act pretty quickly. He said yes, he’d like to see mee again, but that he would have to let me know. He was in a tournament he didn’t know how long would last, and he’d have to visit friends and family. All valid reasons. We kept in touch, his tournament ended after four days (or; he bombed), he went off to see his family, and things went quiet for a bit.

I messaged him a few days later, to which he replied saying he had been thinking about me. I might have blushed. But then we somehow steered back to Tinder, and he told me he had two more dates lined up this week. Thank God I wasn’t ignorant enough to confirm with him that I was one, though I did think that for a few moments. It stung a little. After his first date that week, he messaged me that he liked me better. I asked him if he was going to have time left to see mee. And I got ‘I think I have unconsciously been delaying going home because I want to see you again.’ I melted. We settled on a dinner date for Saturday.

He came to pick me up from the train station again, gave me a kiss, and off we went. Before dinner, we went to have a drink first. It was easy, simple and just like last time. I was happy to be with him, and it was so comfortable I wondered if this was what it should always supposed to be like. He was hungry for steak and so we went to a tiny little restaurant. He took my hands across the table to warm them. I had been meaning to ask him things. Like why he was dating in a country he wasn’t in most of the time. Or if I should attach any meaning to the fact he had been delaying his flight for me. Because of some of the things he’d said while texting I wanted to find out if there was some sort of interest there. But before we got there, the check came and the moment was gone. We did get to me telling him nine out of ten times I would go home at the end of the date. Not necessarily true, but I pointed out I had to like someone in order to do that. He said he liked that. And then we had to leave. A missed opportunity on my end, but at the same time I had to keep reminding myself this was only date two. In real life, you don’t have those conversations at that point.

Out on the street, he grabbed my hand, pulled me in and kissed me. A tourist passed by and told us to get a room, making us laugh. We decided to go back to the same neighborhood we went to last time, even though it was a bit far away. So off we went, hand in hand like a regular couple on the lookout for cozy cafe’s. We found one, sat close together and talked. After two drinks, we left and repeated somewhere else. Every now and then we’d stop and make out a little. Shortly after midnight he wrapped his arm around me, said he knew a great place, namely his house, and off we went.

We shared a cup of tea to warm up, which of course quickly led to a making out and undressing session in front of the windows. He tried to carry me to the bedroom but gave up when he hit his head on the lamp. He dropped an ‘is this all for me?’ again, which makes me think he either says that to everyone, or he was genuinely happy. Anyway, the sex was good, he’s seriously packing, but I don’t think he realizes. We fell asleep afterwards, perfectly content.

Previously, he’d already told me we’d have to get up early as the house owner would be coming home and he didn’t really like visitors. I’d been hoping this person would change their mind, or poker player would forget, but unfortunately no. However, he’d been keeping an eye on it to make sure there’d be time for sex left. It was lazy, slow morning sex, in which his orgasm was perfectly timed with the alarm clock. We laid there for a while while his fingers were running up and down my back. I couldn’t help myself and told him it was a shame he’d have to go back, to which he didn’t really respond. That took away any courage I had about asking him when he’d be back.

We had a quick breakfast together, after which I left at about nine thirty. The goodbye was like last time, with a kiss and a bye. That night, I texted him I’d had a great time, enjoyed seeing him again and that it was a bummer he was leaving. (After we’d set our date, he’d bought his ticket for the day after). He said ‘Yeah it was! But all good things come to an end.’ I stared at it for a while. Really? I asked if I should be taking that literally. No, he didn’t mean it like that, but he did have to do some thinking when it came to women. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. Fair enough. Knowing he just came out of a relationship, would be moving out of their shared house once he got back and considering we’d only had two dates, what was there for claim for me?

I wished him a safe journey, best of luck moving and all, and told him to keep  on touch. And when he made his way back over here and had done some thinking, who knew? It sounded like a good plan to him.

I won’t lie and say I shed a tear. Dating for me never comes easy in the sense that either I don’t like them, or I do like them and they’re not into me, but that’s usually clear from the beginning and I’m not in the dark. This time, I’m very into him, and there is no denying there was mutual chemistry. There was. I know it, and not only because he told me, and not only because of that postponed flight. There was something there. And maybe the timing wasn’t right. Maybe he does need to do some soul searching. Maybe I’ve confused him and he wasn’t expecting this. Maybe none of this all and I’ve fallen for it, hard.

There is something about this man that makes me feel completely at ease. I haven’t felt this way in a long time and it’s scary. Not in the least because ever since he got back, I didn’t hear from him. So last night, I sent him a message. Told him the city was a bit less exciting, and hoped he’d get the sunny Christmas he wanted. He replied almost immediately. That yes, that had been a good time. Insert smiley heart emoticon. Then sent me a photo of his dad who was helping him move and gave me an update on how the move was going with pictures.

If anything I might be back in his mind, and when the dust settles in his end we’ll see what happens. I’ll send him a reminder of my existence every now and then. Had he lived here, the situation would have been different and easier. We’d continue dating and just see what’d happen. Because he lives relatively far away, that’t not an option. It made me feel like I had to force something, because what sane man would hang on to two dates? What is there to explore through whatsapp? You can’t build anything this way. That makes me anxious.

I thought I would take a bit of a break from the dating thing, which is what I usually do when someone managed to confuse me. I am not going to put all my money on poker player, reality is that the chance anything is going to happen there are slim. But the door isn’t shut. Not yet.

He likes me

And I don’t like him back. As usual.

After coming back from the China trip (which was a bitch) I reactivated some of my dating profiles, after promising myself to have more fun with it. So I went on a date with a Tinder guy I’d been chatting with for days. He’s an elementary schoo teacher, which I think is awesome, seemed funny and was physically attractive. He drove all the way to my town and when we met there was… nothing. From my side at least. He was nervous, and it took him a couple minutes to calm it down. And remember how with the bisexual Stud I casually thought he was just in touch with his feminine side? Well, with this one I blatantly wondered if he was gay and in denial. He was a little judgmental, he didn’t like my job nor my employer, he doesn’t travel, doesn’t read, doesn’t like cities and sometimes pinches kids. We had no issues chatting but I wasn’t feeling it. At all.And now he’s still happily texting me and I have to tell him it ain’t gonna happen. I have to. Karma and shit.

On Tuesday I’m supposed to see another Tinder guy for some adult fun, so that’s something at least! I just have to remind myself the world doesn’t revolve around men and that I should learn to be okay by myself. Some days are better than others obviously.

While in China, the Stud sent me messages now and then to say good luck or ask how it went. Pretty nice. He then mentioned he had to be in my city for a competition tomorrow. I offered him dinner and a place to stay and he accepted. And then yesterday, when I asked him what the plan was, he said he was still around for the competition, but couldn’t meet me anymore. He’d made plans to go right to his friend-chick up north as they are having a stand at a flea market on Sunday to fund a trip they were going on. Say what? I got ditched. I then found out the two of them went to see a show just a few days ago. So obviously he prefers her company over mine, spends a fuckload of time with her, and cannot even bother to come see me when he’s in my fucking city. And I thought the new girlfriend was gonna bother me. Oh sure, he did ask me if I am free one night next week. But to be honest, he doesn’t feel like such a good friend that I wonder if he’s worth the hassle. Two weekends in a row with this other friend that he cancels his plans with me for, but sure I can hop over for two glasses of wine before it’s time to go to bed. And yes, I know I need to let it go a little (anyone notice the contradiction?) but I might just have to reconsider the whole situation. I don’t like feeling second hand.

An Epiphany

I had one. Seriously.

Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website. Fifty year olds with pot bellies, balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth. Did these men really think I was in their league? It upset me, even. (Which I find awful to admit because I’m really trying to be less judgy) Surely I could do better than guys like that.

But then, in some really clear moment, it hit me. Was I a female version of these men, trying to date outside of my league? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all. All these men that I do not get past two dates with. Is it karma? I’ve left men hanging, not replied or even been rude. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. There is. I’m a bitch. A lot of the time. I can’t deal with stupidity and flakiness. But instead of giving people a chance, I jump right at their throat. Especially men. And I probably look like it too. Even if someone were to be remotely interested, they’d back off at second glance.

Bottom line; I’ve got stuff to work on. I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me, and I need to get my head clear. How can I find love if this is my state of mind? I am always envious of people that radiate calm, kindness and love. They are open, and people want to be around them. They’re always loved by someone. So if I want any of that, I need to change my attitude.

In a way my trip to China comes at the right time. Even though it is a work trip, I booked some holidays following, and perhaps I shouldn’t do anything but spend some time on myself and see if I can get things straight, at least in my head.

All the sex

I fell off the blogging train! It’s taken me forever to write, and I wish I could say I have had a million dates or found Mr. Right in the meantime, but none of that unfortunately. I have been busy, July has seen a heatwave, an airplane fell out of the sky, my sister has moved to another country, and I’ve got a work trip to China coming up. (yay)

Let’s start at the beginning. The Stud. Yup, still in the picture. I even saw him two weekends in a row. Last month, he asked if I wanted to come to a festival in his town. It’s a traveling festival of small theaters that promote their new season by putting on thirty minute shows for cheap. So there’s a bunch of theater tents, food and wine out in the open. It’s awesome. And because he had worked on two of those festivals in other cities (because he works for a theater) he got us free entrance, food and shows. Sweet deal. So I went to see him on a hot Friday afternoon, wearing a hippie dress, determined to make up for the non sex last time. So we wandered around and saw a few shows. He asked me what I thought of two, which put me on the spot a little bit since he knows theater and I don’t, but I think I managed. When we went to get dinner the conversation drifted to dating once again and he mentioned how he still didn’t understand how he managed to ‘get’ me. I decided to bite the bullet and tell him a little bit about how hard it is for me to talk about feelings, and how I take things as disinterest when I don’t feel someone is engaged. I told him how I hadn’t felt like our first date and that I had been pleasantly surprised afterwards, which made him a bit shy. By the end of the night, we’d drank three bottles of wine between us, but were not feeling buzzed. We went to see another show, and called it a night at around one in the morning.Back at his house, we had another glass of wine but both of us had trouble getting it down, and we were pretty tired. So, off to bed. We get right to it, and I have to say, while the sex itself is good, it’s kind of the same every time. He fingers me or eats me out, I do the same for him, he gets on top, and then we switch until he comes. Perfectly fine, but I feel like it should be more adventurous, especially considering his background. Then, when he rolls off the condom, he asks if it’s possible I’m bleeding. No. Fuck. We examine ourselves and the condom, and see nothing, but the inside of the condom is a little pink. When I clean myself up in the bathroom, I see that it was definitely me. Crap.

The weekend after, when he comes back from a kid’s birthday party at his friends, he asks if I feel like coming over and watch a movie. The weather is shit, and couch potatoe-ing together sounds pretty good. I pick out a movie which turns out the be boring, and we both have troubles making it to the end, so instead we just make out. When we get into bed, he quickly puts me where he wants me and goes down on me like he hasn’t before. It’s awesome, and he’s so into it, I come fairly quickly. It’s made him super hard as well, and I happily suck him off. I guess I’m one of those few that actually likes giving head, especially when my efforts are being appreciated. When he tells me to stop so he can put on a condom, I ignore him, and just keep going. I don’t want to be dealing with blood this time around. He warns me he’s coming, but I still don’t stop and take it all in. He’s pleasantly surprised with my change of plans, and I just smile. The next morning is lazy, but when he comes out of the bathroom with a hard on, I practically jump on him. I’m not satisfied yet, and want a proper fuck. He gets the message, starts licking me quite roughly and isn’t afraid to use his teeth. And then before he can get back into his own routine, I maneuver myself on all fours in front of him, and he gets the message. He went to town. It was awesome.

And then last week, he texts me saying that he has a cheeky question. How would my company feel about sponsoring his sports team on their way to a world cup in twenty fifteen? I was so disappointed he asked that. I hate feeling like people use me for that kind of stuff. And it’s worse when friends ask. I have given him stuff before, but from my wanting to. I guess now he felt like it was worth a shot. To me, it meant he hadn’t listened to me at all when I had told him all that during dinner. I took a day, and then turned the situation around. I’d put him to work and let him work out a business case. I won’t do anything with it. But in return I can now ask him for stuff. Like the use of his city apartment when he’s not there and I want to go partying.

Then yesterday, I had a date. It’s through a new website that’s a little pretentious. You have to get invited, and then get accepted by people that judge your photos. But I made it. I got to talk with a cute guy, and chatted with him two nights straight. We then switched to text messaging, and on Thursday he asked if I wanted to go for drinks. I did. I was quite excited to meet him, conversation was super easy, we have a colleague in common, and he seemed to be super relaxed. He did admit he was a bit shy, which made me a little anxious of having to lead the date (hate that) but he wasn’t at all. As soon as we met we hit it off, and pretty much talked until I had to get back on the train. He took me to two real nice places, and then dropped me off at the train station. This morning he texted me his ice bucket challenge. I would definitely go on a second date with him, though I didn’t think there were any sparks or anything.

And tonight I am supposed to have a Tinder sexdate. Yay! He should be here in a couple hours, though I half expect him to cancel still, or to not go through with it on the spot. He has a big mouth, but he comes off a bit immature and needy. He fires random questions at me (are you spiritual?) and admits he’s a little nervous, though he’d been bragging about going home with every single date he’s been on. And he was a pain in trying to set this up. He wanted me to come to his place, which is fine, but then went into a lengthy discussion about where we should go because he doesn’t live downtown. Maybe we could meet at the train station so that we could see if it was gonna work. Hell no. I am not coming to be looked at and then then turned down within 5 minutes and then having to go back. I told him he was a pain, and I think he realized he might not get laid this weekend, because now he’s coming to my town. We’ll have a drink and see how it goes. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because he’s so hot, and I hope my gut feeling is wrong on this one!

The Talk

I had simmered down a bit from my anger preceding my date with the Stud last Wednesday, not in the least because I had a lot of time to think, and also because I have sane friends.

The first one told me I couldn’t murder him for being honest with me. Fair point. I’ve talked about this before, but my issue (one of them) is that I don’t talk. I won’t tell men anything about my feelings, thoughts or anything deeper until I know it is worth the investment. This particular friend also pointed out calling it an investment is ridiculous. How else are they supposed to get to know me when I won’t let them? How can I blame them for walking away when I’m not giving anything? And especially because I knew the Stud’s intentions, I haven’t been very open, which (in my mind) means that I don’t have a right to anything.

The second one said ‘fuck this other chick’. The only question I needed an answer to is what does he want? And there’s three options; does he want a platonic friendship, friends with benefits, or does he see a relationship? Nothing else concerns me. I needed to think about whether I would be ok with whatever answer I would get. And if I would be; it means acceptance, because my eyes are wide open.

So, I had calmed down a bit. Though when I texted him on Tuesday what the plan was, he told me he could meet after nine, where he had told me earlier before. I told him that was quite late considering it was a weeknight, and also that he had told me he’d be available earlier. He said I was right, and cancelled his appointment. Then asked if I wanted to go to dinner together. Yes, I did.

And so we met at his house. He came straight from his rowing training, changed his clothes, and off we went to a Spanish restaurant. The weather was fabulous, we sat outside and before we knew it, had downed a bottle of wine. Things went as usual. We talked for hours, he told me loads of stuff, I did less so. He mentioned a few dates he’d been on, the one chick he stayed over with. I told him about mine. He said I was an exception to the rule when it came to casual dating. I didn’t say anything. We went to the next bar, had another glass, and then went back to his place when it hit one in the morning. Good thing I had taken the next day off.

And then as we were about to get to bed, I got my period. I’d felt it coming all day so wasn’t too surprised, but wasn’t quite sure how he’d take it. He just smiled, said it was a bummer, but oh well. Nothing I could do. We got into bed, made out for a little bit, talked, and then I sucked it up and asked whether we should talk about it, and asked him what he did with the woman he spent four days with the weekend prior. He told me he didn’t, he went home on Monday, and they’d had sex once. She wants to get back with her ex. He doesn’t want to impose.

What about me? He thinks I am beautiful, great and he likes me, but he likes things the way they are now. He still just doesn’t want any relationships. He wants to keep me around, he genuinely feels that we are friends. And if I don’t want to do it his way, I need to tell him and he will adjust. I told him for now I am ok with what he wants, but that I don’t need to know about anyone else he sees. That I need him to be clear at all times. He said that if either one of our feelings change, we need to talk about it.

He is worried about where I stand. And he should be. I’m a girl, after all. It’s up to me now. I realized there’s no point in anger, this is all about me, not him. It doesn’t matter if he continues to see that other woman. What matters is me, how I feel about the situation and to which level I want to take this. I’m not in love with him, yet. And I’d like it to stay that way, but I give it three months before I’d have to tell him I am scared of falling in love with him and getting hurt. Because that’s how it’ll go. I’m just a girl. Until then, I will just see how it goes.

Did I tell him that last paragraph? Of course not. So, I decided I need to work on these things, and he’ll be my guinea pig. I need to be more open, say what I really feel, and not be afraid to say what I want. Because that might be what is keeping me from being in an actual relationship.

We went to sleep, and woke up at ten. We just cuddled and kissed for the next hour or so, and eventually got up. He made breakfast, cooked eggs, talked some more and just took it easy. He dropped me off at the trains later, and off I went to lounge around in the sunshine. I felt kind of bad about the whole period thing. If we’re friends with benefits he kind of wasted a night with me, but I shoved the thought aside.

So that’s the story! I texted him on Friday after a couple of family visits that had not gone so well and he asked if I needed a shoulder to cry on. His intentions are good.

The whole thing’s got me thinking about my (non)relationships. I don’t want to be alone, in with that, I need to be careful not to hang on to something for too long that’s not going to work. I have never been told ‘I love you’ by a man, however sad that is. And in my quest to find something like it, I sometimes go a little overboard. (I signed up for a paid dating site today) And I date and date, yet I don’t really put myself out there. After all, who likes getting hurt?

200+ Followers!

It’s weird. More than two hundred people read this blog. People I don’t know. Most of you are lurkers (hello!) but for the ones that actively comment and what not; I would have stopped long time ago if you hadn’t.

Which brings me to my next points; it’s a little weird and scary that so many people read about my (sometimes) embarrassing adventures and my outpour of emotions. Thank God for anonymity.

Also; even sadder, this blog has been running for sixteen months. Yes, that is sad. In sixteen months, I have had countless dates, met loads of interesting and not so interesting men, met a few assholes, met a few with great potential that eventually broke my heart, had good and bad sex and in the end… lead to nothing.

Here’s to hoping this blog will not make it to two full years. But I’ll keep you updated in the meantime.

Thanks!