He called me a bitch. Sort of.

I went on (yet another) Tinderdate last week. He’d been nice to chat to, but a day before our date, confessed to me he was still living with his ex, and asked if that put me off. I told him that it depended on the situation, but for now, no. To be honest, normally that would definitely put me off, but I told myself that it would only be an issue if I ended up liking him. And, given my track record, that’s what probably would not happen.

He came, through the storm, and we went for a drink. Immediately when he walked into the bar, I knew. Nah. I wouldn’t be interested. He looked a bit older than his pictures, was bald (though I should have known since he wore hats in all of his pictures) and while he looked friendly in those pictures, I found him to be quite harsh. He had strong opinions about everything. His job. The people in it, people around him. He asked me loads of questions, I in return, did not ask him about his ex. He wasn’t interesting to me and I knew I wasn’t going to see him again, so there was no point in collecting that sort of information.

Somehow we got to talk about differences between men and women, how they fight, and then he asked me if I was one of ‘those unreasonable women’. I sure am. ‘So you’re kind of a bitch then?’ I think my eyebrows touched my hairline, and he knew he’d gone too far as he physically moved back a few inches. In all fairness, if it comes with a good joke I wouldn’t mind much, but he was dead serious. Not cool.

I ended it shortly after, using the getting up early for work excuse, and saw him off. And deleted him shortly after.

So, another unsuccessful date. I have to admit I’m getting a little tired of the dating. I like meeting new people, I don’t mind spending money on a drink here and there, but at the same time it is discouraging. At the moment, I’ve got nothing in the pipeline, and that’s ok. It’s a scary thing to admit, because I don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone for thirty one years (give or take a few short lasted flings) and I don’t want to die alone. But all of my effort is not paying off.

It always makes me think of my (in my mind) almost fifty year old flute teacher when I was twelve. She was probably a lot younger. But, she was single, and lived alone. In my twelve year old mind, that was a horrible, sad, lonely thing. And to this day, I tell myself I don’t want to be like her. But I’m getting there, and that freaks me out.

How a cancellation made me feel better

Last night I was supposed to see the Ginger again. We’ve been in touch every day leading up to yesterday, even when he was on the road. So yesterday, when I was in meetings and he was messing about on his days off, he texted me in the morning to say he still hadn’t received his ticket for today. He knew he was supposed to be flying in the afternoon, but hadn’t seen anything yet. Talk about last minute. I told him he could even go to the airport from my house as it’s closer, and he said he’d be at mine at around 8.

So after my meetings, I raced home, got some food, took a shower, and as I was about to put my clothes on, he called. He wasn’t going to make it. He had only received his ticket an hour before, was at his parents’ house, and was supposed to fly at 7 in the morning today instead of the afternoon. He’d have to rush home, pack his stuff, throw everything in his van and then drive the hour to me, store his stuff at my house and leave his car to take a train to the airport in the morning, and all of it was just a bad idea.

And I agreed. Yes, I was disappointed, and I could tell he was as well, but I also understood the pickle he was in. He apologized and worried if we were still ok. I said we were. I didn’t forget what he’d said at our first date. And then he said the schedule had changed. He now had 4 days off on the middle of his tour, and he would take a flight home so we could spend time together as I happen to have time off at the same time. Maybe we could spend some daytime together instead of just the nights and see how that worked out? Hell yes.

He was quick to point out he wanted to spend time with me, and felt like a bit of an ass for having to change stuff around again. He then said he had a lot of time off in December and January as well, and we should make good use of that. If we don’t disappoint each other on day dates I guess, so let’s see.

So yes, I feel good about the whole thing. I feel like he genuinely tries, in spite of his busy schedule. Hopefully the groupies won’t change his mind 🙂

All the non-action

Oh my, can’t believe how badly I’ve fallen off the blogging wagon! And not even for good reason… nothing happened at all dating wise.

I’ve been ridiculously busy with work; I have accepted a new job per July 1st and while I should be excited, everything inside me is screaming no. I’ve been traveling loads for work, lots of social engagements, lots of training for a half marathon I’m supposed to do in the US in August… you catch my drift.

But the one thing that did happen was that my best friend Brooke got married last weekend, and I was her witness! Especially exciting since I had not been to a wedding in 25 years, and this was a super special one. She’s also 6 months pregnant, and so was a blushing pregnant bride. Super cute.

You know that cliche where the witnesses behave inappropriately in the bathrooms? Yup, that’s me. Her groom had his best friend be a witness, and I had never met him before. I’d asked Brooke beforehand if he was single and if he was hot, and she’d told me I wouldn’t like him, but that he’d be good enough for one night. He was way too slick for my liking. Very tan, drove a convertible, very much the money maker. But as the night progressed he suggested we do something inappropriate with the camera’s, and me deciding I could do with some action, agreed. So we sneaked off to the bathrooms, made out for a bit while I took pictures of the wall and let him think I took them of us. There was no sex to be had as my cab was waiting, but since that was the only action I’ve had in a while, it was good enough!

So there you have it. How boring. I am off to Spain for a work trip with 400 other colleagues from all over Europe where I’ll have to behave myself, but I can always enjoy eyecandy!

A different perspective

I have returned from a week on a Spanish island! It has definitely given me some much needed time to think about stuff, but don’t worry, I won’t change my ways!

A full week of lots of yoga, good food, lounging around at the swimming pool and sightseeing was exactly what I needed. Did I come back completely relaxed? No. I don’t have it in me to stay pool side for a week!

The interesting thing was our group. A group of 12 strangers thrown together in a mountain villa could have gone all kinds of wrong, but actually I had a great time. Funny how you connect with random people, and how women and men think alike, no matter the nationality or culture. Among others, there was an American guy, PJ, and a French girl named Miriam. And Miriam was into PJ. Big time. 

She managed to be hilariously direct and unsubtle, and she was quite clear on her intentions without creating awkward situations. That’s an art. She came onto PJ super strong, being a little too intimate on the Thai massage or flat out asking him if he would have sex with her tonight. While he played along, he rejected her every single time. Watching all that made me think about my own ways and how men react to strong personalities. I probably wouldn’t ask anyone for a one night stand, but I know that sometimes I can be intense. 

Should I be gentler, more feminine, if you will, in my approach? Was PJ intimidated by a powerful woman, or put off by it? It wasn’t exactly the perfect surrounding for sex, but if he had really wanted to, he would have found a way. In my mind, men always want sex. The fact that PJ didn’t, made me see him in a whole different light, and I liked it. 

The two teacher leading the training were husband and wife, married not too long ago, and seeing the way they were with each other almost made me sad. I run after sex, craving male attention, I constantly seek validation and yet I have managed to find none of it. It’s made me bitter sometimes. After all, how come I never met anyone that was interested in more than sex? So I would settle for just that, what else am I supposed to do? These teachers showed all of us true love exists somewhere, no matter how many kids you have, divorced or the things you may have encountered in your past. But if we’re afraid to open our hearts and be vulnerable, how are we supposed to be able to receive?

Ah anyway, reflections. Maybe I’ll be able to find a nice balance. The day I got back I got a message from Sebastien. He had managed to remember I had gone on holiday somehow. I think I will put my newfound learnings into practice and blissfully ignore him! I have promised my friend Selma, who’s fully into the dating game as well but a little more careful, to go speed dating next week. That’s right, speed dating. Oh Lord have mercy. 

‘Revenge’

Yes, in quotes. Because when I told Anna this story, she high fived me, but when I told my best friend Brooke (who knows all my dirty little and big secrets) she was a little upset with me putting myself out there again. I still feel okay about it, but here is the story on how I took ‘revenge’ on Sean a few weeks ago.

I had a work related drink in the city that he lives in, and had kind of forgotten all about him, until I ran into him at the last bar we were at. Or actually, he ran into me. He tapped me on the shoulder and wanted to know why he hadn’t heard from me. Talk about straightforward. I gave him a lame excuse about being busy (I’ve never been good at telling men the truth face to face) but I did tell him that I felt like each time we met, he put me in an awkward position. We small-talked for a while, until he said he’d love to cook for me and just talk for a while. My mind was racing. I hadn’t had dinner yet, most importantly. I knew what kind of ‘talking’ he meant, and there were two things I could do in my mind: say no and go home, say yes and treat him like he’d treated me. I opted for the latter, being the wonderful human being that I am.

And so we went. He did cook. He did ask me a few questions. We showed me some music stuff he had been working on, and tried to jump me in the middle of it. I pushed him way and told him to take it easy. I made him sit it out for an hour, and once we got busy, did very little to help him going. He got it up alright, we fooled around for a bit, and he thought I’d be ready to go without him having even touched me below the waist. Not happening. I told him he might want to put some effort into it, and he got to it. Kind of. Expectedly. He messes around for a bit, flips me over and takes me from behind, and surprise surprise, he loses it after a few minutes. I wasn’t too disappointed as I had been prepared for all of it. He keeps trying for a bit, and then gives up. To be fair, I had been going through the motions only and not being very helpful in that aspect, which must have been very attractive, but hey.

He lays on top of me for a bit, kisses me and plays with my breasts, and then gets off the bed. I don’t think so. I ask him if he wants to help me out there. He has the nerve to ask me what I mean. Oh my. I tell him I want to get off. He gets back on the bed, and starts feeling me up, but that’s not what I want. I tell him to go down on me. Literally. He moves down a bit, messes around, but doesn’t go below my waist. That was exactly what I was expecting him to do, he’d never gone down on me, so I kind of wanted to push him and see if he would, or if he has more issues. I don’t believe in having to return the favor sex-wise, but after out history, tonight I was. I laid there for a bit, waiting for him to move down, and he didn’t. I tell him again. Literally tell him to put his mouth on me. He does nothing, lays on top of me breathing as if he needs to catch his breath from all the non action.

At this point, I am more amused than upset as my assumptions have been confirmed, but I don’t want him to know. I push him off me and clean myself up in the bathroom. When it’s his turn, I sit on the bed, and check my phone app for the trains. What usually would happen is that I woud stay and leave the following morning like all is okay. But not tonight. I saw that I had 25 minutes to catch the last train. I raced to put on my clothes, and when he came out of the bathroom, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. ‘No, not really,’ And I started putting my socks and shoes on. I can tell he’s a little taken aback as he’s unsure of what I’m doing. Do I want to watch a movie? ‘No.’ Silence. Am I going home? ‘Yeah… (intentional awkward silence) I kind of have an early morning tomorrow. And long day.’ Oh. Won’t I be home super late? ‘No… well… kind of, but I really want to go now.’ He is clearly confused. Do I want some water before heading out? ‘No.’ I put  on my backpack. I told him to have a good night, and I left.

It may sound lame, and karma is going to bite me in the ass for this one, but it felt good. He did exactly the same as he had in previous meetings, which was nothing, and I liked giving him a taste of his own medicine. And I liked leaving him hanging, and hopefully feeling like shit as he knew I was leaving due to his non performance.

Speaking of karma, I got a message from Sebastien last night, asking if I was still upset. I told him no, but that he had irritated the crap out of me. He said he understood, was sorry and wanted to take me out for a drink to make up. I don’t know what to do. He might have told me the truth last week, and he probably realized he better be nice as he’s got no one else to fuck. Any advice?

Anyway, I will leave you with this as I go on retreat for a week on Saturday. Lots of nothingness to clear my mind and relax for a bit. Who knows, I might come back with a clear mind!