An Epiphany

I had one. Seriously.

Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website. Fifty year olds with pot bellies, balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth. Did these men really think I was in their league? It upset me, even. (Which I find awful to admit because I’m really trying to be less judgy) Surely I could do better than guys like that.

But then, in some really clear moment, it hit me. Was I a female version of these men, trying to date outside of my league? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all. All these men that I do not get past two dates with. Is it karma? I’ve left men hanging, not replied or even been rude. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. There is. I’m a bitch. A lot of the time. I can’t deal with stupidity and flakiness. But instead of giving people a chance, I jump right at their throat. Especially men. And I probably look like it too. Even if someone were to be remotely interested, they’d back off at second glance.

Bottom line; I’ve got stuff to work on. I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me, and I need to get my head clear. How can I find love if this is my state of mind? I am always envious of people that radiate calm, kindness and love. They are open, and people want to be around them. They’re always loved by someone. So if I want any of that, I need to change my attitude.

In a way my trip to China comes at the right time. Even though it is a work trip, I booked some holidays following, and perhaps I shouldn’t do anything but spend some time on myself and see if I can get things straight, at least in my head.

He wore flared curduroys

This post took a bit longer than planned as my hard drive crashed last week. Thank God some Geniuses were able to fix it and restore all my data at that! I wonder if they saw my bookmarked dating accounts…

Anyway, I went on an OKC date last Sunday. I think my statistics were up again and I was due for boredom. When he walked up I thought he was alright, but he was a case of ‘buthisface’. While I could get over flared corduroys (though, seriously?) I cannot get over jacked up hands. Yuck. He was nice to talk to, but not interesting. Add the previous, and it was an unsuccessful date. I have not heard back from him either, which probably means he’s thinking something along the same lines.

Then I am in touch with a Tinder guy that texts at nine thirty PM that he’s free tonight. Dude. I am easy sometimes but not when I don’t know who the fuck you are. When I told him I wasn’t that easy he told me he was joking and subsequently blocked me. How funny.

Also last week, I landed in a heated argument with the Musician. As I mentioned, we’d been texting and he’d been playing his usual ‘I might come over’ game. This time he took it as far as am I on the pill? So when I took him up on it a few days ago, I heard the expected excuses, but did not let him get away with it. I phoned him up and straight up told him that he’s an asshole, he has issues, doesn’t know what the hell he wants and is taking advantage of the situation. He was upset. In fact he doesn’t know what he wants, he is always on the lookout for something better to come along. I told him he doesn’t give a shit who he texts, he just texts me because I reply. He hasn’t got the slightest clue or interest in how I am. He denied, but apologized for a bunch of stuff in the end. He very kindly texted me for my birthday the next day, so I guess he isn’t the sort to hold grudges.

Pfew, anyway, I am seeing the Stud tomorrow. I managed to get him a sample of something he wanted  and need to drop it off. I am being way too nice by not only giving it to him, but also dropping it at his house while he is too busy to go for drinks. I know that he genuinely is, so don’t hold it against him. It kind of leaves him in debt I suppose, but I just want to do something nice for him, hopefully it’ll be good karma, because I want to get laid. I am seeing him at nine thirty, which is way late. I am not expecting to be out the door within fifteen minutes  with a ‘yo, thanks!’, but since we’ve established he’s allergic to commitment at the moment, I doubt he’ll be in for sex. Ugh. Why am I doing it? Nice, be nice…

It’s gonna happen

Yeah… the no posting for a while? I have not been on a date, let alone had sex yet this year. What’s going on?!

Every guy I have been talking to has been boring me to tears. Could be me. I’m talking to one guy on OKC and two on Tinder that are quite attractive, and to reduce their window of time they have to bore me virtually, I have suggested drinks. I feel like picking up the first guy off the street to take home. Not the best idea, but phonesex with the Musician only goes so far.

Yup, the Musician. While he is still dating the Scandinavian girl, he continues to text me every few days. I guess when she is not available and he is bored I am option number two. And as long as he sends me nudies, I am ok with that. I am going to use him as he is using me. I suspect he finds his ego is flattered by the fact he knows I was into him at some point, and also that he needs a runner up for when his new girlfriend falls through. Honestly, I could care less.

So there you have it. It’s gonna happen; three months without sex. Ugh.

Work is ridiculously busy, John has been MIA thank God, and I have another work trip coming up to Belgium, which is bound to be hectic and tedious at the same time, and then finally, my holiday is due. I will be shooting for a hot Australian  man.

But in the meantime; I’ll be out there…

A Dating Milestone

I received my very first unsolicited dickpic today! I was talking to a guy online, and we had only exchanged a few messages trying to set up a date, when all of a sudden he writes: ‘how about tomorrow?’ and BOOM! Dickpic. And it’s not even a good picture! Why the hell would you send me a picture of a half flaccid, floppy, poorly shaven, the head halfway out of your foreskin cock? Yuck. And the he acted all surprised that I did not feel like going on a date anymore. But I would not regret it? This guy is way too desperate. And really, I want a good fuck, but not that bad.

I wrote about John last month. There is no way around it anymore; dude’s looking hot. So, with a little help from my friend I bit the bullet and sent him a message. At the end of last year he had sent me a message on Facebook saying that my yogastudio is in the street he lives in, and considering our little India chat a few weeks ago, I figured that’d be my open door. So I sent him a note saying that I’d be around a lot that coming week if he ever fancied a beer. And guess what happened? Nothing! It has been weeks, and he has sent me back silence. And so I felt a little awkward going into work and did a good job avoiding him. Until I was tired of it last week. Fuck that shit, if he is awkward, he should have thought about that before sticking it in.

So when I saw him in the restaurant, trying to ignore me, I purposely bumped into him, gave him a little nudge and asked how he was. He gave me a sheepish smile, a ‘yeah, yeah, good.’ and off he went. I laughed. He had a little bit of a breather when I was out this past week, but of course, I ran into him today. As I entered our on-site store, he was just exiting. He stopped me on the stairs, and asked how my vacation was. Vacation? Yeah this trip to Scandinavia he saw. When I told him that wasn’t vacation but work, he kind of joked around and said that that’s what we all say. So what the hell is up with this guy? My money is on ‘he’s a pussy’, but it frustrates the crap out of me.

So Scandinavian men? Hot! Big, tall, masculine, I like it. Maybe I should find myself a handsome Viking, a chalet in the snow and a husky dog, and I’ll be all set.

Then just now, I received a message from the boring American I went on a date with last weekend. He’s back from his trip to Mexico. Great. I’d hoped he’d forget about me so I didn’t have to tell him thanks but no thanks. This one doesn’t get a second chance.

Encounters & Dates

I did it. Call me a loser. I signed up for an actual dating site. Paid and all. One of the first messages was from a guy my sister used to date for a few months. (He never met me, so doesn’t know). I’ll let that one pass. Curious to see what it brings!

I never heard back from the OKCupid yoga guy I was supposed to have a second date with. Guess he was as enthusiastic about me as I was about him. Also, I told the Tinder survival guy I had enjoyed the evening with him, but didn’t feel any chemistry and so didn’t want to lead him on. He said it was a shame because he had wanted to ‘try’. Ok… moving a little fast.

I ran into John earlier this week at work. As usual I was spacing out while getting my lunch together in the restaurant (Really, I should pay more attention, whole batch of hot guys start at the beginning of the year) and he stopped me to chat. He had heard (how?!) that I took four weeks off to travel to India next month and seemed to want to tell me how cool that was. Then asked how my holiday break was. We chatted for a bit until he had to go. As I said before, he looked fit, and does not behave like a jackass. I am convinced that he likes me. And determined to make him admit it. Working on a strategy here!

Then, Louis started emailing. He had heard (again, how?!) that things between me and the Ginger had not worked out. I guess I am now free range again. He sends me inappropriate emails and likes being very ‘naughty’ again. Needless to say, I am not into it. But as we will be working together on a project next month, things should be interesting. What both of these situations tell me is that either I give off pheromones and these guys can smell it, someone is a little too happy to overshare, or they have been curious and went fishing.

Speaking about the Ginger. After NY he texted me to say happy new year and asked how I spent the night. I was brief but polite with him, and cut it off quite quickly. I haven’t heard from him since, and I have to say that that’s working for me. All those dates are helping as well.

And so tomorrow, I have another Tinder date! He’s 35, no clue what he does and all, but we’ll find out tomorrow. He’s awfully good looking in his pictures, so something must be wrong with him. Keep you posted!

Dates, dates, dates

I went on two dates this weekend. On Friday morning, I had a coffee date with the redheaded yogi from OKC. We met at the local coffee joint (he had biked half an hour through the rain) and it was all very civilized. A little skinny for my taste, but he had his stuff together, was easy to talk to and not nervous at all. And, he was very efficient. After two hours, on the dot, he put and end to it. He might be a serial dater and working a strategy! He offered to keep me company if my NY’s eve plans still fell through and followed up with a text this morning. I told him I straightened it out (really don’t want to go there just yet) but took him up on his offer for a second date. I’m not really into him, but I keep telling myself off not to write them off so quickly anymore.

Date number two was last night with the Tinder guy. We met at the train station, and made our way into town for drinks. Physically, I was not attracted to him. He had a good face, but he was small, and a little boyish. But, we had a good time, he was easy to talk to and had so much in common it was a little eery. On top of that, he’s a survival expert, very outdoorsy and does stuff like IronMan. He held open doors for me and brought me back to the train. I really wanted to like him…

Then! The POF guy. On Friday night, I was supposed to meet him, but when he told me he was hoping he’d recognize me and I told him he would because my picture was recent, he confessed his wasn’t. Major red flag. I told him I’d appreciate it if he would send me a recent photo as this did not make me feel comfortable. He said I shouldn’t judge by one photo, and that it was too late now because time and place had been set. Oh hell no. Staying home sounded like a better option. I told him just that, after which he finally emailed me a photo. Exactly what I expected. It wasn’t awful, but he didn’t look anything like the one online. So I cut him off with a short message that I didn’t appreciate being mislead and that for me, it’s a flag for more issues. He sent me four (!) emails to say how disappointed he was with me and what not. Glad I dodged that one.

Finally, the Ginger got in touch with me, to inform me he wasn’t excited about spending NY’s eve together. Mind you, I had never confirmed we would. But, he added, he didn’t say it to be mean. I told him the way he said it was indeed mean, but that I had gotten used to that with him quite quickly. I told him again to delete my photos, how to use the pills I’d sent him a while ago and best of luck with everything. He said he wasn’t trying to be mean, he just wanted to be honest with me but he sometimes had troubles voicing his feelings. They were not black or white when it came to me, and they were ever changing. Could he still let me know how the pills worked out? And he did like chatting to me. Clearly this man is scared to let go of something. I’m not gonna be kept on the back-burner, thanks a lot. Make up your damn mind and until then, leave me alone because I can’t be hung up on you. And please stop ending your messages with X-es.

So, NY’s eve. Just when I had decided that maybe I should stay home, give myself a break and reflect for a bit, my friend Anna convinced me to come to her neighborhood party. She is even nice enough to drive me home afterwards. Home alone or champagne amongst people? People it is.

Back on the horse

Despite all the changes of heart I’ve had and the back and forth in between my feelings about the situation with the Ginger; I haven’t texted him. Yay. He sure has texted me though. I have replied sporadically, but what it comes down to is I feel like he is confused, and with this holiday month, he’s not so happy about being alone. He hasn’t heard anything from him friends (wonder why if he’s treated them the same way), and he realizes the toll his lifestyle has taken on his social life. So he’d rather settle for the moment as to not be alone and then come January, someone’s gonna get hurt again. When he found out I have no plans for NY’s eve, (curses for all my friends having babies) he was quick to suggest we could celebrate and get drunk together. I ain’t gonna be your backup plan, my friend.

So I have thrown myself back into the dating game. When stuff like this happens my mind always goes into overdrive and I get nervous about being 30 and alone. (how sad). Tomorrow, I have a coffee date with a guy that practices yoga as much as I do. And, oh cruel twist of fate, is a redhead as well. We talked for a bit on OKC, and I know little about him except that he’s a physiotherapist. We’ll see how that goes.

Then on Saturday, I’m going for a drink with a guy off Tinder. My first Tinder date! He’s quite attractive, I dare say out of my league, but he seems a little too eager to meet. He texts a little too much and he even kind of invited me over for NY’s. Mind you, we haven’t even met yet. Hopefully it’s harmless, but I foresee a man with issues.

Finally I’m setting up a date with a guy from POF that I know absolutely nothing about. Keeps it interesting!

When the dust settles

As usual, I wonder if I overreacted. The pain of rejection has subsided and my two feet are back on the ground.

He sent me a friendly message to ask if I was alright. And I am, I really am. I have booked myself to be ridiculously busy during my 2 week holiday break, and now that I’ve got it off my chest, I feel a lot better.

And then I start thinking. Was I in love with the Ginger? No. Did I think I could ever be? Yes. Did I become emotional just because I was rejected, or because I didn’t realize how much I liked him? I can’t make up my mind. Would I be ok seeing him again knowing he doesn’t like me that way and might never? Probably. Am I telling myself these things because I am missing intimacy? Maybe.

All in all, did I make a mistake by reacting so quickly and should I have taken some time to think about how I actually felt about him before telling him I couldn’t see him again?

If I were to tell him that, how does that come across? (Don’t worry, I won’t just yet in this state) He’d probably think I’m saving my face, lying or desperate. Or confused.

To what extent did I fuck up?

I really like you…

but. Yup, I got that one yesterday. In other words, I got dumped. I was hoping to be able to write something happier about the Ginger, but here we go.

He got back from touring last weekend, and as usual, we’d been in touch pretty much daily. I was looking forward to his return and seeing him again, but when he hadn’t asked about meeting after a few days, I did. He said ‘sure’. Well that didn’t sound too enthusiastic, and when I asked, he told me he wanted me to know he wasn’t head over heels, and felt that I should know. He thought I was great and loved spending time with me, but didn’t think it would go beyond that. Well fuck me.

I told him I kind of had thought that way and thanked him for his honesty. Then, I asked him to delete some of the photos I had sent him. Nothing explicit, but still. To which he replies ‘is it all over then?’ Uhm well, isn’t that what you’re telling me? So I said that if he didn’t see it going anywhere seeing him would be awkward for me and kind of pointless, because I did like him. He said he understood, and had just wanted to see where I stood in this thing. (Seriously, what’s wrong with a phonecall?) I decided to suck it up. Told him it was a bummer for me, but tough luck.  And said that I felt led on by all the texting. (Why else would you do that if you’re not into someone?). He apologized. Coming back to his question of it being all over, I asked him what he wanted from me. He said ‘I dunno… friendship?’

So that’s that. He told me twice he thought I was really great and he really liked me. But apparently not enough for anything serious. I would have been happier if he’d said I was a bitch. Because what’s missing then? I kind of got the idea he was expecting me to be ok with it and be open for meeting up for sex (or indeed friendship, who knows) and did not expect me to put an end to it like this. My friends agreed, thinking he might come back after realizing what he had after it’s gone, but I doubt it. And it doesn’t make me feel better. I cried for about an hour last night and then got it together. I do feel better today but I feel like I lost something. Which is weird.

I have to admit I miss the daily texts. I have to sit on my hands to not send him a note. I don’t hate him, he’s not a jackass. At least he was honest and clear and didn’t drag it out for months. He deleted his online profile today, maybe he realized women actually want more from you if you’re on a dating site. Also, I feel a bit lonely. Another fail.

Do I text him? Do I be nice and show him I can be friends if he wants to? Show him I am actually fantastic and see if he’ll turn around? Ugh. Help!


Last week, I went to dinner with my friend Adya. I was supposed to pick her up from the train station, but was running late. In I stormed in my heels, ruffling the rain out of my hair and texting her in the meantime. And when I looked up, John stood there looking at me from across the hall. Thank God I had dressed up and put make-up on. He smiled and mouthed a ‘you ok?’ at me which I nodded at, and then he kept going. To avoid awkwardness, I had no choice but to walk over to him. We made smalltalk for a bit, he said he hadn’t seen me for a while at work, so I told him I’d been off for a while. I was majorly tempted to point out that I am seeing someone, but managed to keep it in. Within a minute, Adya showed up, and very curiously at that. I ended the conversation with John rather abruptly, and escorted her out of there before I was forced to make introductions. Not that she didn’t know the stories, but he didn’t have to know that.

Couple nights later, I received a text from Louis. My cheating French colleague. I had not heard from him in a very long time, and I was very surprised. He asked me when I would be back from holidays, and asked if we would have ‘danger’ when I was. I told him there’d be no danger going forward as far as I was concerned. I said I was seeing someone and didn’t want to screw anything up that might be going well for me. Whether I am seeing someone or not; this was the perfect opportunity to end things. Well, the sex things. He reacted very well, said he was happy for me, and asked if he was still allowed to talk to me. Sure, though I wonder what he’d have to say. We never talked about anything at all.

Then; yesterday at work, I was in line at our cafeteria staring off in the distance when I was nudged by John who apparently wanted to say hi. I laughed it off and said I was a little spaced out, and off he went to put together his salad. When I sat down with my colleagues, he sat down next to us to have lunch with someone. Of all the places he could have sat. A little awkward for me. I have to say, he looks good lately.

So, am I actually seeing the Ginger? Last weekend he was home for a 3 day break from touring again, but did not want to meet up. And told me that after I asked him. He was tired and had to do a zillion things. Fair enough, he wanted space. So that’s what I gave him. Contact was minimal (yet daily still) for a few days, and now that he’s gone again we’ve been texting as usual every day. He comes home on the weekend and will be home for a month and a half. And I can’t wait. He’s celebrating Christmas with his parents (I don’t care for Christmas) but I don’t know about the NY’s eve plans. I am planning mine as usual, assuming it is way too early to be spending it together, but I am curious to see if he’ll bring it up. I have got no clue what his social life here is like.

I am off again for 2 weeks with the holidays, and he’s asked me to come over, so we’ll see how it goes. I know he is still online on the dating site (as am I) but don’t know how active he is. Next Friday we have our annual company party, which is always absolute mayhem, and when I told him, he asked about drunkenness and one night stands. He didn’t seem to care much, though hard to tell through text messages. I kind of want to know what’s up, but yet I am a pussy! Anyway, I don’t think 2 months of dating means anything, so I’ll take it easy!