“Maybe I’m just lonely”

I’m back from my travels to France and Scotland. Party wise, they were… disappointing.

I went to visit my French friend that I’ve met 3 years ago while traveling. I’ve been to visit her twice before, so when I go now there’s no need to go do stuff or go sightseeing anymore. This time, I went for her 30th birthday. Big deal! I flew over on a Friday night after work, took a train to her house and met her German friend, who’d come over as well. Turned out she was a super sweet lady, and a very spiritual one at that. She wore a turban, so go figure. Anyway, the party was on Saturday night, and as we had (well, me and my friend) had changed and put our makeup on, people started to trickle in. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have a lot of female friends. French man after French man came in, all attractive, all either gay or taken. Still, we had a good time and everyone did their best at speaking English. We went from a bar to a club on a boat, and at that point there were 5 of us left. My Frenchie was all over her gay best friend whom she denies is gay, and me and her German friend had had about enough. We left her, and she spent the night at his place.

Turns out he might be not as gay as we thought. Frenchie came back home at 9 in the morning and got into bed with me for much overdue girltalk. She told me they’d fooled around for a bit, but she doesn’t remember if they’d had sex. She’s embarrassed about it, and while she’s staring at the ceiling she says “maybe I’m just lonely.”

Hello. I couldn’t stop thinking about that on the plane ride home, and I still am. Putting myself out there like I do a lot, looking for attention, am I lonely? Probably yes. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and a busy social life, but when it comes to relationships and men, yes. And maybe I do these things because it’s the only kind of intimacy I can get. Everyone needs a hug sometimes, or feel skin on skin, and how else am I gonna get that? Is it working out for me? No.

Will I keep doing it? Yes.