An Epiphany

I had one. Seriously.

Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website. Fifty year olds with pot bellies, balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth. Did these men really think I was in their league? It upset me, even. (Which I find awful to admit because I’m really trying to be less judgy) Surely I could do better than guys like that.

But then, in some really clear moment, it hit me. Was I a female version of these men, trying to date outside of my league? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all. All these men that I do not get past two dates with. Is it karma? I’ve left men hanging, not replied or even been rude. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. There is. I’m a bitch. A lot of the time. I can’t deal with stupidity and flakiness. But instead of giving people a chance, I jump right at their throat. Especially men. And I probably look like it too. Even if someone were to be remotely interested, they’d back off at second glance.

Bottom line; I’ve got stuff to work on. I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me, and I need to get my head clear. How can I find love if this is my state of mind? I am always envious of people that radiate calm, kindness and love. They are open, and people want to be around them. They’re always loved by someone. So if I want any of that, I need to change my attitude.

In a way my trip to China comes at the right time. Even though it is a work trip, I booked some holidays following, and perhaps I shouldn’t do anything but spend some time on myself and see if I can get things straight, at least in my head.

200+ Followers!

It’s weird. More than two hundred people read this blog. People I don’t know. Most of you are lurkers (hello!) but for the ones that actively comment and what not; I would have stopped long time ago if you hadn’t.

Which brings me to my next points; it’s a little weird and scary that so many people read about my (sometimes) embarrassing adventures and my outpour of emotions. Thank God for anonymity.

Also; even sadder, this blog has been running for sixteen months. Yes, that is sad. In sixteen months, I have had countless dates, met loads of interesting and not so interesting men, met a few assholes, met a few with great potential that eventually broke my heart, had good and bad sex and in the end… lead to nothing.

Here’s to hoping this blog will not make it to two full years. But I’ll keep you updated in the meantime.

Thanks!

The Scorecard

Inspired by this; here is my overview of another year gone by.

I completed a yoga teacher training. It was fucking hard. I parted ways with a friend. I ran a half marathon. I went to a festival. I got drunk, made a fool out of myself and danced like there was no tomorrow. I took a plane 5 times. 3 of those were business trips. I switched jobs. I’ve kept my enemies close. I was a witness at my best friend’s wedding. I made out with the man of honor. I got sunburned at the beach, celebrated summer on boats and stayed up to see sunrises and sunsets. I fell in love. I got dumped. I missed out on my yearly visit to India. I made new friends. I had the big 3-0 this year. I got carded at a bar. I had a friend with benefits. Two of my best friends had babies. Two got married. I went on lots of dates. Some good, some bad. I ran into my first man with erectile issues. Didn’t stick around for that one. Had the worst sex to date. What’s worse; there’s two nominees on that list. Had some pretty good sex as well. I didn’t meet The One.

In short:

Number of weddings attended: one

Number of funerals attended: none

Number of babies born: two

Number of babies expected: one (I’m gonna be an aunt!)

Number of dates I went on: countless

Number of sex partners I had: six

For 2014 my resolution is to be fearless, and be fearless about love. No holding back, do what you say and mean what you say. I’d like to believe that there’s someone out there looking for me.

All the non-action

Oh my, can’t believe how badly I’ve fallen off the blogging wagon! And not even for good reason… nothing happened at all dating wise.

I’ve been ridiculously busy with work; I have accepted a new job per July 1st and while I should be excited, everything inside me is screaming no. I’ve been traveling loads for work, lots of social engagements, lots of training for a half marathon I’m supposed to do in the US in August… you catch my drift.

But the one thing that did happen was that my best friend Brooke got married last weekend, and I was her witness! Especially exciting since I had not been to a wedding in 25 years, and this was a super special one. She’s also 6 months pregnant, and so was a blushing pregnant bride. Super cute.

You know that cliche where the witnesses behave inappropriately in the bathrooms? Yup, that’s me. Her groom had his best friend be a witness, and I had never met him before. I’d asked Brooke beforehand if he was single and if he was hot, and she’d told me I wouldn’t like him, but that he’d be good enough for one night. He was way too slick for my liking. Very tan, drove a convertible, very much the money maker. But as the night progressed he suggested we do something inappropriate with the camera’s, and me deciding I could do with some action, agreed. So we sneaked off to the bathrooms, made out for a bit while I took pictures of the wall and let him think I took them of us. There was no sex to be had as my cab was waiting, but since that was the only action I’ve had in a while, it was good enough!

So there you have it. How boring. I am off to Spain for a work trip with 400 other colleagues from all over Europe where I’ll have to behave myself, but I can always enjoy eyecandy!

Aren’t you lucky

Single and ready to mingle. I hate that saying. But when I overheard a colleague say it with contempt, she had my attention. At work I usually have music on, and if I don’t, I am eavesdropping on a couple of ladies a few desks down who gossip, moan and complain a lot. So when I heard one of them say ‘oh yeah, she’s single and ready to mingle alright’ with an evil little snicker, I was all ears. Her neighbor asked her to elaborate, and she speeched about a friend of hers that was recently single, not very happy about it, but had thrown herself back into the dating scene with all kinds of successes and failures.

As I listened to their conversation, eyebrows near my hairline behind my computer screen, I couldn’t help feeling resentment. I happen to know both these ladies got married at the age of 24 and abstained from sex until marriage. I don’t believe in either marrying young or abstinence, but if you do, awesome. I’m not judging. But don’t go around judging others for something you don’t know the slightest thing about. Aren’t you lucky to have found someone in high-school and not have to go through those stressful, exciting and nerve wracking dating scandals and insecurities. Or maybe not, and you’ve been missing out. I was annoyed and had to bite my tongue to not butt in. The assumptions and stereotyping flew across their desks, and maybe I was irritated because in a way, they were talking about me and everyone else that plays the game, too.

That same night I went to see Sandy, one of my best friends who has had a baby a little over a week ago. I had been nervous about calling her. I know nothing about pregnancies apart from what she’s told me, babies or social etiquette in that area. I imagined her whole life to be changed, and I might not fit into it anymore.

But off I went, with gifts and flowers. Her house was full of pink cards, balloons, a photo crazy grandpa, and a fiancee running up and down with drinks and snacks. A wonderful picture. And as I was given a sleeping baby that was too tired to drink from the bottle, I was deeply impressed with my friend. She had manufactured a tiny human being. I never see babies that young, and there was definitely something wholesome about it. Eventually her parents left and we were left alone to talk, and she told me all about it while I held the baby, I didn’t have much to say. Not because I didn’t care, but because I was in awe. She almost seemed superhuman to me.

When she asked me about my recent dating adventures, I gave her a filtered version of the Sean story, and told her I only went on one date. It seemed inappropriate and it would probably be far removed from her anyway. Her fiancee joked around  with his familiar ‘you could be sitting here next year’, but secretly I was a little relieved to find out their daughter was not triggering any emotions of that sort.