Oh Tinder…

You’d think I had enough of online dating. But I just have to try this new thing out. I guess it’s not so new anymore, but on this side of the world it kind of is. So I’ve downloaded Tinder, but seriously…

I will not ‘like’ you if you:

– Put up a profile picture of your child (seriously?)

– If there are any children in any pictures at all.

– If you’re getting cozy with a lady friend in the picture (and yes, this definitely comes after the kids rule)

– If after 4 pictures, I am still unable to tell which one of the beer drinking homies you are

– If your picture is obviously a studio photograph, like this one  (And yes. I am putting it up. It’s too good. And can for sure be found on awkwardportraits.com)

Schermafbeelding 2013-10-03 om 20.51.24

– And lastly; if your name is John, we’ve had a bad drunken fuck and you’ve been a dick about it. The screenshot is tempting. And what’s worse; I am dying to find out if he swiped me to the right, but I’d only find out if I would do just that!

Seriously; does this work for anyone? I’ve had plenty mutual likes, sent a few messages and gotten a few, but most are MIA. One asked me straightaway if I’d be into a threesome with his girlfriend (no thanks) and the others were just… boring. Ha! seems like I am running out of options!

So That’s That

I sent him a message last night, and it took him a good 12 hours to get back to me. Look out for the sorry.

photo

 

Yeah, he really gave a damn. Needless to say he never replied to my last comment. I kind of wanted to add something saying that if he wanted a fuck, he better up his game. But hey. This is a step for me as I never call men out on their bullshit. 

Another Asshole

I’m so fucking angry with myself right now. Because I fell for it again.

Mr. Fiji said he’d like to make up for his cancellation and take me for drinks tonight. I gave it some thought, discussed it with my friend Selma who said screw him, and decided to meet him. He’d come to my city at 9, and I told him to let me know when he arrived so I could pick him up at the station. All good.

And as I am writing this, I am obviously not on a hot date. I had showered, dressed, put make up on and the whole she-bang, and waited. At 9:30, I sent him a message. He saw it. And to this point, he’s not replied. So it’s 2 hours later, and I’ve changed into my PJ’s. I am so fucking upset that he’s another one of those assholes that goes no-show and I’m left feeling like an idiot.

I can’t wait to hear what the lame excuse is and to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow. In the meantime I need to calm myself down because I won’t be able to sleep like this.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

He’s back.

Louis. The colleague that cheated on his girlfriend. With me. And that’s exactly as classy as it sounds. I hadn’t contacted him after I returned from the US 3 weeks ago, and since I hadn’t heard from him either, I figured that was the end of it. Wrong. I got a text from him on Monday saying that he was just back from holidays now. We texted for a little bit, he tested the waters, I wasn’t so into it as I had been. Yesterday I had a meeting in his building and I didn’t see him, but an hour later I received a text that read “you shouldn’t wear those jeans if you don’t want them to be taken off.” It made me smile, but I think I’ve cooled off from the whole thing, and I am kind of surprised he hasn’t. What the hell is wrong in that relationship?

Also, life is hard when you fuck up. John is a dick after all. I ran into him a few times this week. He was alone, I was alone, and he completely ignored me passing by an a deserted hallway. Nice. So tomorrow, we are supposed to go on a group run, and I know he is going. Thursdays is my yoga class at work, but also I want to go running. Though the idea of facing him is holding me back. Just don’t feel like it. So what to do? In my language we have a saying that translates into something like ‘shine for your absence’; and I think I might just do that and go to yoga. At least I won’t make an ass out of myself in front of him and avoid any awkwardness.

Ugh. I just want someone to tell me it’ll all be ok. And I could do with a good hug.

Oh and also; I started talking to a professional rugby player from Fiji online who is just too good looking to be real. If his pictures are for real (and they look like it) he is way out of my league. But hey. So worth a shot!

‘Revenge’

Yes, in quotes. Because when I told Anna this story, she high fived me, but when I told my best friend Brooke (who knows all my dirty little and big secrets) she was a little upset with me putting myself out there again. I still feel okay about it, but here is the story on how I took ‘revenge’ on Sean a few weeks ago.

I had a work related drink in the city that he lives in, and had kind of forgotten all about him, until I ran into him at the last bar we were at. Or actually, he ran into me. He tapped me on the shoulder and wanted to know why he hadn’t heard from me. Talk about straightforward. I gave him a lame excuse about being busy (I’ve never been good at telling men the truth face to face) but I did tell him that I felt like each time we met, he put me in an awkward position. We small-talked for a while, until he said he’d love to cook for me and just talk for a while. My mind was racing. I hadn’t had dinner yet, most importantly. I knew what kind of ‘talking’ he meant, and there were two things I could do in my mind: say no and go home, say yes and treat him like he’d treated me. I opted for the latter, being the wonderful human being that I am.

And so we went. He did cook. He did ask me a few questions. We showed me some music stuff he had been working on, and tried to jump me in the middle of it. I pushed him way and told him to take it easy. I made him sit it out for an hour, and once we got busy, did very little to help him going. He got it up alright, we fooled around for a bit, and he thought I’d be ready to go without him having even touched me below the waist. Not happening. I told him he might want to put some effort into it, and he got to it. Kind of. Expectedly. He messes around for a bit, flips me over and takes me from behind, and surprise surprise, he loses it after a few minutes. I wasn’t too disappointed as I had been prepared for all of it. He keeps trying for a bit, and then gives up. To be fair, I had been going through the motions only and not being very helpful in that aspect, which must have been very attractive, but hey.

He lays on top of me for a bit, kisses me and plays with my breasts, and then gets off the bed. I don’t think so. I ask him if he wants to help me out there. He has the nerve to ask me what I mean. Oh my. I tell him I want to get off. He gets back on the bed, and starts feeling me up, but that’s not what I want. I tell him to go down on me. Literally. He moves down a bit, messes around, but doesn’t go below my waist. That was exactly what I was expecting him to do, he’d never gone down on me, so I kind of wanted to push him and see if he would, or if he has more issues. I don’t believe in having to return the favor sex-wise, but after out history, tonight I was. I laid there for a bit, waiting for him to move down, and he didn’t. I tell him again. Literally tell him to put his mouth on me. He does nothing, lays on top of me breathing as if he needs to catch his breath from all the non action.

At this point, I am more amused than upset as my assumptions have been confirmed, but I don’t want him to know. I push him off me and clean myself up in the bathroom. When it’s his turn, I sit on the bed, and check my phone app for the trains. What usually would happen is that I woud stay and leave the following morning like all is okay. But not tonight. I saw that I had 25 minutes to catch the last train. I raced to put on my clothes, and when he came out of the bathroom, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. ‘No, not really,’ And I started putting my socks and shoes on. I can tell he’s a little taken aback as he’s unsure of what I’m doing. Do I want to watch a movie? ‘No.’ Silence. Am I going home? ‘Yeah… (intentional awkward silence) I kind of have an early morning tomorrow. And long day.’ Oh. Won’t I be home super late? ‘No… well… kind of, but I really want to go now.’ He is clearly confused. Do I want some water before heading out? ‘No.’ I put  on my backpack. I told him to have a good night, and I left.

It may sound lame, and karma is going to bite me in the ass for this one, but it felt good. He did exactly the same as he had in previous meetings, which was nothing, and I liked giving him a taste of his own medicine. And I liked leaving him hanging, and hopefully feeling like shit as he knew I was leaving due to his non performance.

Speaking of karma, I got a message from Sebastien last night, asking if I was still upset. I told him no, but that he had irritated the crap out of me. He said he understood, was sorry and wanted to take me out for a drink to make up. I don’t know what to do. He might have told me the truth last week, and he probably realized he better be nice as he’s got no one else to fuck. Any advice?

Anyway, I will leave you with this as I go on retreat for a week on Saturday. Lots of nothingness to clear my mind and relax for a bit. Who knows, I might come back with a clear mind!

On being a jerk

After feeling apprehensive about Sebastien and his tendency to talk about sexual preferences through text messaging, I had not been in touch with him all week, and neither had he. Until today.

He sent me a message asking to talk on Skype, and as I wasn’t doing anything, I logged on. The conversation quickly shifted to sex and plans for the night. As neither of us had any, it’s decided that he comes over. Again he kind of wants me to do a list of things, and I’m feeling ballsy and call him out on it. I tell him he expects a whole lot from me when it’s supposed to be playful and fun for both us us, and that he’s making me feel uncomfortable by doing so. He goes back and forth a bit and says that that’s not what he’s going for, but that I shouldn’t be shy and let him know what I want from him. Missing the point buddy. I told him straight up that it’s not going to happen this way and if that’s all he wants, good luck finding someone else no strings attached. We all know how easy that is for men. He either gets nervous or genuinely gets it, and profusely apologizes. Fair enough, I’m all for second chances.

So half hour beforehand, I hop in the shower, do my thing, and look for something to wear that’s good enough but does not match all of his requirements. (He must learn). But before putting on my clothes, I check my phone. Gut feeling. I have one message that reads: ‘Can we do it tomorrow? I’m feeling lazy.’ Oh Hell No. If it were possible to have steam coming out of my ears… I send him a message saying that I am going to be lazy tomorrow so no, that will not work. Are you fucking kidding me? He then comes on Skype to say he is not in the mood. I tell him I am not in the mood tomorrow, and that maybe we should forget about the whole thing because he always seems to be lazy or tired. He disagrees, and I tell him that expecting a bunch of things from me and then canceling half hour before is seriously uncool. He agrees on that, and then that’s the end of our conversation.

There we go. He’s a jerk. Turning down casual sex because you’re ‘lazy’ is first of all the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard, and second of all, if you’re not into me after all, man the fuck up and say it. I’m still upset; excuse me while I go have a glass of wine!