Thank you India

I am back! I spent the last 3,5 weeks in India, and it has left me loads to contemplate, as usual.

But first things first. Did I see the Stud before I left? Sure did. I flew on Saturday night, and we were supposed to see each other on Friday. He had mentioned he might be a bit late as he would be coming from his dad’s house, but 10 pm is what I call a bit more than late and more like a bootycall. But I went. He was tired, and not completely present. We quickly called it a night, and continued conversations in bed. Naturally we had sex, perfectly normal sex, and woke up early the next morning as he had to leave the house at 9. We said goodbye with a kiss, he got on his bike, and I went to the trains. I all too well realized there had not been a ‘see you in a month’ or anything like it. And worse, I also realized I had left my bangles on his coffee table. Crap. I left with a bit of a heavy heart that night.

India was, once again, crazy. And amazing, and extravagant and dirty and full on and loving. This was my fourth trip, and even though I loved it, I did not lose my heart like I had in previous visits. There were some epic things, I met some fantastic people, saw wonderful places, and got my fair share of unwanted attention. But since this is not a travel blog; I will share two appropriate stories.

I met Veer when he lived in Amsterdam two years ago. We hung out quite a few times and hit it off so well initially that mutual friends were asking if they should start preparing wedding invitations. Unfortunately, nothing ever happened between us. He was either shy or not into me like that, and I was not willing to put myself out there. We did continue meeting though, and kept in touch when he moved back to India last December. So while I was there, he came to see me, and we spent three days together. We went hiking, went to ganga aarti ceremonies, dinners, the whole shebang. We even shared a room. It was funny to see how he had adapted to his surroundings. He was much more assertive than I remembered him to be. When men would stare at me for too long he would take off his sunglasses and give them the stare of death. Quite the turn on. And yet, even when sharing the room, he did not make a single move even though I practically invited him to. He’s far too westernized to put up a ‘good Indian boy’ front, so I had no choice but to accept he wasn’t into me like that. Bummer.

I also met up with Kunal in New Delhi. We have been friends ever since the first time I came to India, five years ago. Quite some time, strictly platonic. We used to have good conversations on differences in the east vs the west, he has traveled a bit, comes from an affluent family and so our correlation had been established long time ago. I was only in Delhi for my last night before going home, and he took me out. We went to a fancy area in town, and enjoyed a few drinks on a rooftop bar. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and had lots to catch up on. After an hour or two we got hungry, and decided to move to the next place. He paid the bill, and down the dark staircase we went. Downstairs, in a deserted lobby, he suddenly grabbed my hand and announced he was going to kiss me. I beg your pardon? I told him no. He asked why not. I said no again. This sucked, we still had to go through dinner and he was my ride back to the hotel. After the initial minute of awkwardness, he got over himself, and we managed to have a nice dinner. He dropped me off at the hotel afterwards, and said goodbye with a hug. Not a word on the subject.

Until the next day. He sent me a text asking if I was upset. I didn’t know if I was, so I told him no. Good, then he wanted to know why I had refused him? We were having a perfectly good night, I had no reason to refuse him at all. I could have just done it. Instantly, I fumed. I sent him a harsh text saying that 1; I was not attracted to him in the slightest (truth) and 2; I was seeing someone back home (kinda true, I hope). He jumped on it by saying he was sorry, he would never have done it had he known I was involved with someone. I told him even if I would not have, I still would not have done it. I had no obligation to him whatsoever, having a pleasant night does not entitle him to anything. He threw out a few cliches about western women and our morals. I swear I had steam coming out of my ears. I had lead him on by going to dinner with him and so on and so on. I sent him a very mean text about his own morals, poor education on the matter and how disappointed I was he had to confirm a stereotype. He apologized, but naturally things have not been the same. I have lost a friend and I am disappointed with myself for misjudging him. It has left me with a bitter feeling about that part of my trip.

So I have been home for a few days, back to work already, and before the weekend, sent the Stud a text that I was back home. And I got nothing in reply. I had texted him for his birthday when I was out and we’d gone back and forth for a bit, but now, nothing. It has been a few days, and he has been online constantly. He has seen my message. My point is; we’ve been on four dates, he has even gone as far as to take me to his father’s house, at least have the decency to say ‘hey, sorry, a month was too long’ whatever. I do not handle the ignoring well. If after a one night stand; fine. But not four dates. So again, am I jaded for thinking he is another asshole, or is he busy and I just need a bit of patience? He might have realized he’s not that into me after all, but dude, grow a pair and tell me. Hopefully I am just being impatient, but it does not feel good. Maybe he’s out of my league after all.

To make myself feel better; I am going on a date with another guy from Tinder tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have been rejected, but I better get over it before it hurts!

Anxiety

Last weekend, I went on that awkward drink that John was going to be at. Until an hour before, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. I didn’t want to, but didn’t really have a choice. And I have to say, I am not an anxious or nervous person, but my stomach was all twisted about this one. Everything inside me was telling me not to do it. But I went. I came late, on purpose, and he wasn’t there yet. There was actually one other person there, somebody I actually liked, so I calmed down a bit.

An hour later, John shows up with a few others. I say hello and exchange hugs with everyone while John procrastinates. But eventually he comes, gives me a hug and I get the traditional three kisses. He says he wasn’t sure if I would be there, as I had been listed as an optional attendee. I bite back on asking him if he was disappointed I was there, and just smile. As the night goes on, he gets a little drunk. At some point, I end up siting next to him, he spills some nuts he’s eating, and asks me if I have seen his nuts. I look him dead in the eyes and say ‘why yes, yes I have.’ He has the decency to flush. All in all, I think we’re good.

So, the Stud! I realized earlier that we’re heading for a fourth date. I have not made it that far in a long time, how sad! I asked him if he would like to go on another date before I left, to which he said he’d actually like that. As we’re both super busy this week, (he’s at his father’s again, I am traveling) we settled for Friday. I took Friday afternoon off and don’t fly until Saturday evening, which is a good thing as Friday seemed like the only option. We’ve yet have to narrow down time and place, but to be honest, I can’t wait.

And of course, I’m a little anxious. (yeah yeah). As I said it’ll be a fourth date, but also knowing that he is not really looking for something serious, I don’t quite know where we stand. Why do I even need to know? I don’t really want to have a conversation about it, because we haven’t spoken about relationships or expectations, and I feel that now it’d be a little too late. Though, still I want to find out if he actually likes me or thinks he could. I figured if he still wants to see me after my holiday, I’ll see how it feels. After all, fourth date! A milestone for me, how sad. But then; why would you go past three dates if you’re not really into someone? Ah, the mindgames.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

Date #3

On Wednesday night, a couple days after my second date with the bisexual man (who I will now call Stud as it sounds much better) he sent me a text late at night asking if he could call me. Sure, I replied, wondering what he could possibly want to talk about. He calls, and says he wants to hear a familiar voice. He is at his father’s house, trying to clean it out. His dad has Alzheimers, and he took the ungrateful job of sorting through his things to see what’s staying and what’s going. He feels alone and a bit sad, understandable. We talk for a while until he feels better, he goes to take a bath, I go back to bed. I did wonder if he had no one else to talk to, seeing as we’d only been on two dates, but at the same time I consider it a good sign.

We exchange only a few texts during the week (he’s not much of a texter) and when on Saturday evening I ask him if he’s gone home or still at his dad’s house, he says he’s still there, and I am more than welcome to come. He throws in a bath, and a ride to my workshop in his city in the morning. Even though it’s an hour away, I accept after making sure he’s not joking. He warns me it’ll be like camping, but hey, nothing I don’t know. So I jump on a train, tell him I’ll be there at 9, and he comes to pick me up from the train station.

At his dad’s house, he gives me a tour and I start to understand what he’s doing. There’s boxes and boxes of stuff everywhere. Countless binders with paperwork. I wonder if it’s uncomfortable that I’m at his father’s house, but he’s not, so I let it go. He gets drinks, we talk as usual, and somehow ending up playing monopoly on the floor in between the boxes. He’s very touchy-feely this time. I make an idiot of myself by constantly forgetting the rules, and hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. We play for about an hour, and then call it quits to take a bath. He very cutely pours quarter of a bottle of oil in, lights candles, and we jump in. Neither of us have a bath at home, so we take full advantage and hang out until the water gets cold.

Thank God there’s a bed, and we quickly put a sheet on it, and zip two sleeping bags together. Unlike last time, we get right down to business, though we take it a lot slower. The bath made us lazy! We make out for a while, until I climb on top of him. I suck on his balls and dick and listen to him moan. And then he pulls me up by my hair, kisses me hard, and holds me down. Yay. He bites his way down, and I enjoy looking at him in between my legs, and his shoulders working. He spends good time eating me out, but does it very slowly. I give into it and after a while come quietly, very civilized, yet he knows. I take his dick in my hands, and work it until I decide it’s time to fuck. I sit myself down on him, and manage to find a perfect angle. We go at it fast and hard, I make myself come another time, and he quickly comes with his signature three hard thrusts and moans. There’s just something I love about watching and hearing men come, and he’s very satisfactory.

After a quick clean up, we get back into bed. I tell him he’s hot, and find out he’s bad at taking compliments. We have another lazy make out session, and then decide to go to sleep. The alarm will go off in a few hours, he has to go rowing, and I have 3 hours of yoga to do the next day. I’m happy he doesn’t snore as bad as last time, and manage to actually get a good night sleep.

When we wake up, I’m ready to go at it again, but we don’t have any more condoms, and he’s worried of being late. So he gets up to do some last cleaning and get his stuff together, and I take a shower. It’s a quiet morning, but not of the awkward kind. After an hour we close the door and drive back to his city. We get there a lot faster than planned. He parks the car, and we load up his bike with our bags. He rides home with me on the back, and even have time for a cup of coffee at his place. Since he has to be in the boat at 11:30 and my workshop doesn’t start until one, he tells me to stay behind if I want. I can hang out and just close the door behind me? Awesome. I even feel a little flattered. He leaves after a kiss, and I look around. Where to snoop first? No, joking. I didn’t. I did open up his medicine cabinet to see what was there (nothing interesting) went to see what was on the floor beside his bed (a book and condoms) and had a good look at his bookcase. We actually read a lot of the same stuff. His passport was also sitting there, and I did look at that. I found out that when the passport was issued, 3 years ago, he was still married. I already knew that. He’s been married to a man for 6 years, and they were together for 13 years. Intimidating. They split up 2 years ago, very amicably, and their divorce isn’t even final yet. Neither of them want to screw the other over, and apparently, that takes time. Oh well. It’s not a shock, and I’m not bothered. I sit around for a while, have another drink, and then leave for class. I send him a text to say thanks for using his apartment.

After class, late in the afternoon I have a text from him asking how it was, and we go back and forth for a bit. He says he’s gonna go our for a walk since the sun is out. I say I am going for a green shot with two classmates and will wave if I see him walk down the street. I don’t think much of it, but sure enough, half an hour later, there he is. In jeans, shirt and sunglasses. Looking very hot. We spot each other at the same time and I am immediately a little on edge. I’m still sweaty, I’m pretty sure my make up is smudged, and my  hair is in a frizzy ponytail. We say hello with a kiss, he says hi to my two friends, tries my green shot, talks some more, and then leaves with another kiss to go get ice cream. My two male friends stare me down. Who was he? I tell them we’ve been on a few dates and that’s it. They agree that he is smoking.

On the train home, he texts, so hopefully that means he’s not put off by my not so charming post-yoga look. I feel really comfortable around him, but yet I am unsure of what to do all the time. I have the feeling he’s not necessarily looking for something serious. Which is fine, but I need to tell myself to not expect anything or be too forward about meeting up. I also think he is not into me romantically, but does not like being alone at this point in his life and is comfortable with me. We get along really well, are both super comfortable, and the sex is good. I also know that he is insecure, and might struggle with the same thoughts I struggle with.

Tricky thing is that I go on holiday for almost a month in two weeks, and I am nervous he will meet someone else. I’m pretty sure he still goes on dates, which I am fine with, but I don’t want him to meet anyone he’ll be more into that me. Fair chance though, 3,5 weeks is a long time, he won’t wait for me, so hopefully he’ll still be there when I come back. So I have two weeks before I leave, of which 3 trips to Germany, and my period is due on my last weekend home next weekend. Awesome. I gotta figure that one out.

The big third

So remember when the Ginger cancelled our third date right before he went on tour? Well, last Sunday he came home. We had a date set for Monday. But before that, on Sunday, I had a little bit of a freak out.

When he was on the train going home from the airport, we were texting back and forth, and he mentioned how he just wanted to relax on his couch with a movie. And then somehow the conversation progressed into having me come over for a blowjob, because what’s better than a movie and a BJ? Stupidly enough, I played along for a bit, but the more and more he kept going, the more I felt backed up into a corner. Yes, I wanted to see him, but I was fully aware that I would give off a signal of being easy and available as a friend with benefits if I were to go. Normally, I would have taken the easy option, avoid talking about it, and just do it. In this case I could do just that, I could not reply to his messages anymore, which would be weird, or I could tell him how I felt, which I never do. I opted for the last option after having a mild panic attack. I didn’t want to come across as needy, but I liked him too much to ruin everything by going there. I told him exactly how I felt; backed up into a corner. He immediately picked up the phone and said that was the last thing he wanted. It started as a joke, and I would stay home and we’d see each other tomorrow and have a fun date. Pfew. I figured if he ended up canceling the next day after all; he’d be a jackass and I’d know what he was after.

He didn’t cancel. He ended up having to cover for a friend for a teaching job, and so he came to my place late in the afternoon. We were supposed to go out and do something as both previous dates, we basically ended up at home. But it turned out he was too tired from traveling and all. We went for about an hour because he wanted to see my town, and then went back home. We talked for a bit, watched some TV and then jumped each other. I have to say I did most of the work. He definitely wanted that blowjob. He’s quite responsive and appreciative, and I enjoyed it alright. He made me stop before he came, took me to the bedroom, and flipped me on all fours.

Afterwards we showered, talked about random stuff, I cooked dinner, he helped out, and it was perfectly comfortable. We watched a movie and went to bed. In the dark, we talked for a long time while he held me. Or rather; he talked and I listened. Eventually, we fell asleep. In the morning we had breakfast and he left just before noon to do his laundry before flying out the next day again.

After he left, I felt a bit sad and didn’t quite know what to do with myself. That feeling subsided, and the next day my insecurities came back in full force.

We were supposed to go out but had yet another house date. I feel like we should be doing exciting stuff to get to know each other. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions. He listens when I talk, but he doesn’t enquire much. I didn’t come. He texted to say he had a good time but appears to be a whole lot slower replying than before. It was too comfortable, easily perceived as boring. I don’t fit in his arms. We didn’t talk about anything important. At all.

So, all in all, I feel like I’m in the dark. Will I see him when he gets back? I hope so and I will definitely ask him to. But I wish I’d have felt more confident after date #3, and I don’t.

Aren’t you lucky

Single and ready to mingle. I hate that saying. But when I overheard a colleague say it with contempt, she had my attention. At work I usually have music on, and if I don’t, I am eavesdropping on a couple of ladies a few desks down who gossip, moan and complain a lot. So when I heard one of them say ‘oh yeah, she’s single and ready to mingle alright’ with an evil little snicker, I was all ears. Her neighbor asked her to elaborate, and she speeched about a friend of hers that was recently single, not very happy about it, but had thrown herself back into the dating scene with all kinds of successes and failures.

As I listened to their conversation, eyebrows near my hairline behind my computer screen, I couldn’t help feeling resentment. I happen to know both these ladies got married at the age of 24 and abstained from sex until marriage. I don’t believe in either marrying young or abstinence, but if you do, awesome. I’m not judging. But don’t go around judging others for something you don’t know the slightest thing about. Aren’t you lucky to have found someone in high-school and not have to go through those stressful, exciting and nerve wracking dating scandals and insecurities. Or maybe not, and you’ve been missing out. I was annoyed and had to bite my tongue to not butt in. The assumptions and stereotyping flew across their desks, and maybe I was irritated because in a way, they were talking about me and everyone else that plays the game, too.

That same night I went to see Sandy, one of my best friends who has had a baby a little over a week ago. I had been nervous about calling her. I know nothing about pregnancies apart from what she’s told me, babies or social etiquette in that area. I imagined her whole life to be changed, and I might not fit into it anymore.

But off I went, with gifts and flowers. Her house was full of pink cards, balloons, a photo crazy grandpa, and a fiancee running up and down with drinks and snacks. A wonderful picture. And as I was given a sleeping baby that was too tired to drink from the bottle, I was deeply impressed with my friend. She had manufactured a tiny human being. I never see babies that young, and there was definitely something wholesome about it. Eventually her parents left and we were left alone to talk, and she told me all about it while I held the baby, I didn’t have much to say. Not because I didn’t care, but because I was in awe. She almost seemed superhuman to me.

When she asked me about my recent dating adventures, I gave her a filtered version of the Sean story, and told her I only went on one date. It seemed inappropriate and it would probably be far removed from her anyway. Her fiancee joked around  with his familiar ‘you could be sitting here next year’, but secretly I was a little relieved to find out their daughter was not triggering any emotions of that sort.