He brought his dog

Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat. He came to my town, which is always a plus. When I was waiting for him, I saw a guy come out of the parking garage, but doubting if it was him. Who would bring a dog to a date? Well, he did. He came straight off a boat he had a job on, working boots, torn shirt, and paint all over himself, his beard and his clothes. Eh… ok. I’m not judging. We went to my local bar, and sat outside. It was a little awkward at first. He was very relaxed, of the kind that doesn’t need conversation to have a good time. I kinda do. We talked a bit, silence. Talked a bit, silence. And I decided to not try so hard. He was on this date also. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but told me bits and pieces about himself. I like the whole hippie thing, but he was on the other end of my universe. He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment, does not own anything except for his car and dog, plans on sailing the world one day, gets bored if he makes too much money, so whatever he earns goes into his own boat. He squats in an abandoned school to have an address, has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex-wife. I mean, wow. He seriously doesn’t give a fuck about anything. We called it a night after three drinks, I took him back to his car, got a big hug, and off he went. The next day, he messaged me on Tinder (while he has my number) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone, because he lost it. I hope he’s not insinuating I took it.

Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine. After several rounds of sushi, she was up to date about the situation with the Stud, and we decided to go for drinks. We went to this totally laid back bar by the water, where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers, and get your own drinks. While my friend got the first round, two guys asked if they could join us. Absolutely. We ended up talking to them the whole night. My friend, who is engaged and has a child, hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids, so I was left talking to the most attractive, single one. By the time we looked at our watches, my friend freaked out as she’d missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she’d parked way out of town. The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride. So her new friend went to drop her off at her car, and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station. When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook, I figured it was save enough to ask for his number. By the time I was on the train, he had already found me, and so I sent him a message in return. Turns out he’s coming to my town on Friday, and asked if I wanted to do it again. Sure thing. Date it is!

And then there is the Stud of course. We have been in touch only a little, he’s been super busy working on the weekends. When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do. I told him we’d do it when he was on holidays and relaxed. His holiday starts tomorrow, so should be soon! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation, but I still have a hard time believing this, and I really don’t want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment.

He wore flared curduroys

This post took a bit longer than planned as my hard drive crashed last week. Thank God some Geniuses were able to fix it and restore all my data at that! I wonder if they saw my bookmarked dating accounts…

Anyway, I went on an OKC date last Sunday. I think my statistics were up again and I was due for boredom. When he walked up I thought he was alright, but he was a case of ‘buthisface’. While I could get over flared corduroys (though, seriously?) I cannot get over jacked up hands. Yuck. He was nice to talk to, but not interesting. Add the previous, and it was an unsuccessful date. I have not heard back from him either, which probably means he’s thinking something along the same lines.

Then I am in touch with a Tinder guy that texts at nine thirty PM that he’s free tonight. Dude. I am easy sometimes but not when I don’t know who the fuck you are. When I told him I wasn’t that easy he told me he was joking and subsequently blocked me. How funny.

Also last week, I landed in a heated argument with the Musician. As I mentioned, we’d been texting and he’d been playing his usual ‘I might come over’ game. This time he took it as far as am I on the pill? So when I took him up on it a few days ago, I heard the expected excuses, but did not let him get away with it. I phoned him up and straight up told him that he’s an asshole, he has issues, doesn’t know what the hell he wants and is taking advantage of the situation. He was upset. In fact he doesn’t know what he wants, he is always on the lookout for something better to come along. I told him he doesn’t give a shit who he texts, he just texts me because I reply. He hasn’t got the slightest clue or interest in how I am. He denied, but apologized for a bunch of stuff in the end. He very kindly texted me for my birthday the next day, so I guess he isn’t the sort to hold grudges.

Pfew, anyway, I am seeing the Stud tomorrow. I managed to get him a sample of something he wanted  and need to drop it off. I am being way too nice by not only giving it to him, but also dropping it at his house while he is too busy to go for drinks. I know that he genuinely is, so don’t hold it against him. It kind of leaves him in debt I suppose, but I just want to do something nice for him, hopefully it’ll be good karma, because I want to get laid. I am seeing him at nine thirty, which is way late. I am not expecting to be out the door within fifteen minutes  with a ‘yo, thanks!’, but since we’ve established he’s allergic to commitment at the moment, I doubt he’ll be in for sex. Ugh. Why am I doing it? Nice, be nice…

Peacefulness

When I didn’t hear anything from the Stud for a while, I decided to call him last week. As I mentioned in my last post, since we’d been on four dates and all, I felt like I deserved at least some sort of explanation. So I called, half expecting him not to pick up. He did, and sounded happy to hear from me on top of that. We chatted for a while, and then he asked if I’d like to meet up now that I was back, maybe he could come my way this time? Hell yes. We agreed to call each other later that week as he had to go.

On Saturday, I received a message from him, we exchanged a few, until I asked him if he still wanted to meet up. He took a while to respond, and I knew what was coming. Yes, he would like to see me again, but I had to know he was no longer interested in casual sex, it wasn’t making him happy. Fair enough. I asked him what he did want, knowing that his disinterest in casual sex did not mean he wanted to be serious about me. He said he wanted to just meet and see how things went.

And so we met the next day. I was a little nervous it would be awkward, but it wasn’t. We went for a drink, then dinner, then more drinks, and it was every bit as nice as the previous four dates had been. Only this time I knew I wasn’t coming home with him, as much as I wanted to. I asked him how he felt about dating, and he said he had cut off all of his casual contact. Except for two. Me, and another girl he has been seeing since November. With her he’s actually recently had a ‘are we in a relationship?’ talk, and they decided no. He also said he sometimes still has a hard time with his failed marriage. He doesn’t like being alone, but realizes he needs to be, and it is not fair to string anyone along at this point, as he has too many things to figure out.

All very fair. I appreciated his honesty, and the fact he did this face to face. So where does it leave me? We continue to be in touch, and we will still see each other. Platonically for now, and if ever a spark happens, it happens, but it is not something he wants right now. And I am actually at peace with this situation. Realistically, a serious relationship with this man was probably not in the cards anyway and if it was, it would have been a messy one. He is very attractive, he’s great company and so if anything, I made a new friend. And who knows, one day.

Though I am not waiting around for it. I’ll continue dating, and we’ve kind of told each other to be honest. If feelings change for either one of us, it’s time to have a conversation.

So, do I have any dates lined up? None whatsoever. Ugh. Nothing interesting has come up on Tinder recently, and my dating websites have been eerily quiet. Maybe I should give dating a rest. Not that I want to, but sometimes it just makes me so tired to put myself out there time after time. When is it going to pay off?

Also, earlier today, I received a message from the Musician. He used my full name, asked my how I was, and then politely asked about my recent holiday. Uh… what do you want? He wants to know if I still work for my current employer. Yes, I do. Can I hook him up with a few things? I don’t think so. I have no intention of helping him out whatsoever. He ruined that a long time ago. He then inquires about my dating. I tell him I have met someone fantastic and am very happy. He doesn’t need to know. He tells me he is still happy with his Scandinavian chick. Well, good luck to you my friend. He ends with a ‘I’ll speak to you later. X’. Nah.

I felt a little weird after that, I did not need to hear from him, but after an hour, that feeling subsided. I seem to be in a comfortable space with the men in my life. And the ones that are not anymore.

Thank you India

I am back! I spent the last 3,5 weeks in India, and it has left me loads to contemplate, as usual.

But first things first. Did I see the Stud before I left? Sure did. I flew on Saturday night, and we were supposed to see each other on Friday. He had mentioned he might be a bit late as he would be coming from his dad’s house, but 10 pm is what I call a bit more than late and more like a bootycall. But I went. He was tired, and not completely present. We quickly called it a night, and continued conversations in bed. Naturally we had sex, perfectly normal sex, and woke up early the next morning as he had to leave the house at 9. We said goodbye with a kiss, he got on his bike, and I went to the trains. I all too well realized there had not been a ‘see you in a month’ or anything like it. And worse, I also realized I had left my bangles on his coffee table. Crap. I left with a bit of a heavy heart that night.

India was, once again, crazy. And amazing, and extravagant and dirty and full on and loving. This was my fourth trip, and even though I loved it, I did not lose my heart like I had in previous visits. There were some epic things, I met some fantastic people, saw wonderful places, and got my fair share of unwanted attention. But since this is not a travel blog; I will share two appropriate stories.

I met Veer when he lived in Amsterdam two years ago. We hung out quite a few times and hit it off so well initially that mutual friends were asking if they should start preparing wedding invitations. Unfortunately, nothing ever happened between us. He was either shy or not into me like that, and I was not willing to put myself out there. We did continue meeting though, and kept in touch when he moved back to India last December. So while I was there, he came to see me, and we spent three days together. We went hiking, went to ganga aarti ceremonies, dinners, the whole shebang. We even shared a room. It was funny to see how he had adapted to his surroundings. He was much more assertive than I remembered him to be. When men would stare at me for too long he would take off his sunglasses and give them the stare of death. Quite the turn on. And yet, even when sharing the room, he did not make a single move even though I practically invited him to. He’s far too westernized to put up a ‘good Indian boy’ front, so I had no choice but to accept he wasn’t into me like that. Bummer.

I also met up with Kunal in New Delhi. We have been friends ever since the first time I came to India, five years ago. Quite some time, strictly platonic. We used to have good conversations on differences in the east vs the west, he has traveled a bit, comes from an affluent family and so our correlation had been established long time ago. I was only in Delhi for my last night before going home, and he took me out. We went to a fancy area in town, and enjoyed a few drinks on a rooftop bar. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and had lots to catch up on. After an hour or two we got hungry, and decided to move to the next place. He paid the bill, and down the dark staircase we went. Downstairs, in a deserted lobby, he suddenly grabbed my hand and announced he was going to kiss me. I beg your pardon? I told him no. He asked why not. I said no again. This sucked, we still had to go through dinner and he was my ride back to the hotel. After the initial minute of awkwardness, he got over himself, and we managed to have a nice dinner. He dropped me off at the hotel afterwards, and said goodbye with a hug. Not a word on the subject.

Until the next day. He sent me a text asking if I was upset. I didn’t know if I was, so I told him no. Good, then he wanted to know why I had refused him? We were having a perfectly good night, I had no reason to refuse him at all. I could have just done it. Instantly, I fumed. I sent him a harsh text saying that 1; I was not attracted to him in the slightest (truth) and 2; I was seeing someone back home (kinda true, I hope). He jumped on it by saying he was sorry, he would never have done it had he known I was involved with someone. I told him even if I would not have, I still would not have done it. I had no obligation to him whatsoever, having a pleasant night does not entitle him to anything. He threw out a few cliches about western women and our morals. I swear I had steam coming out of my ears. I had lead him on by going to dinner with him and so on and so on. I sent him a very mean text about his own morals, poor education on the matter and how disappointed I was he had to confirm a stereotype. He apologized, but naturally things have not been the same. I have lost a friend and I am disappointed with myself for misjudging him. It has left me with a bitter feeling about that part of my trip.

So I have been home for a few days, back to work already, and before the weekend, sent the Stud a text that I was back home. And I got nothing in reply. I had texted him for his birthday when I was out and we’d gone back and forth for a bit, but now, nothing. It has been a few days, and he has been online constantly. He has seen my message. My point is; we’ve been on four dates, he has even gone as far as to take me to his father’s house, at least have the decency to say ‘hey, sorry, a month was too long’ whatever. I do not handle the ignoring well. If after a one night stand; fine. But not four dates. So again, am I jaded for thinking he is another asshole, or is he busy and I just need a bit of patience? He might have realized he’s not that into me after all, but dude, grow a pair and tell me. Hopefully I am just being impatient, but it does not feel good. Maybe he’s out of my league after all.

To make myself feel better; I am going on a date with another guy from Tinder tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have been rejected, but I better get over it before it hurts!

Anxiety

Last weekend, I went on that awkward drink that John was going to be at. Until an hour before, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. I didn’t want to, but didn’t really have a choice. And I have to say, I am not an anxious or nervous person, but my stomach was all twisted about this one. Everything inside me was telling me not to do it. But I went. I came late, on purpose, and he wasn’t there yet. There was actually one other person there, somebody I actually liked, so I calmed down a bit.

An hour later, John shows up with a few others. I say hello and exchange hugs with everyone while John procrastinates. But eventually he comes, gives me a hug and I get the traditional three kisses. He says he wasn’t sure if I would be there, as I had been listed as an optional attendee. I bite back on asking him if he was disappointed I was there, and just smile. As the night goes on, he gets a little drunk. At some point, I end up siting next to him, he spills some nuts he’s eating, and asks me if I have seen his nuts. I look him dead in the eyes and say ‘why yes, yes I have.’ He has the decency to flush. All in all, I think we’re good.

So, the Stud! I realized earlier that we’re heading for a fourth date. I have not made it that far in a long time, how sad! I asked him if he would like to go on another date before I left, to which he said he’d actually like that. As we’re both super busy this week, (he’s at his father’s again, I am traveling) we settled for Friday. I took Friday afternoon off and don’t fly until Saturday evening, which is a good thing as Friday seemed like the only option. We’ve yet have to narrow down time and place, but to be honest, I can’t wait.

And of course, I’m a little anxious. (yeah yeah). As I said it’ll be a fourth date, but also knowing that he is not really looking for something serious, I don’t quite know where we stand. Why do I even need to know? I don’t really want to have a conversation about it, because we haven’t spoken about relationships or expectations, and I feel that now it’d be a little too late. Though, still I want to find out if he actually likes me or thinks he could. I figured if he still wants to see me after my holiday, I’ll see how it feels. After all, fourth date! A milestone for me, how sad. But then; why would you go past three dates if you’re not really into someone? Ah, the mindgames.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

Date #3

On Wednesday night, a couple days after my second date with the bisexual man (who I will now call Stud as it sounds much better) he sent me a text late at night asking if he could call me. Sure, I replied, wondering what he could possibly want to talk about. He calls, and says he wants to hear a familiar voice. He is at his father’s house, trying to clean it out. His dad has Alzheimers, and he took the ungrateful job of sorting through his things to see what’s staying and what’s going. He feels alone and a bit sad, understandable. We talk for a while until he feels better, he goes to take a bath, I go back to bed. I did wonder if he had no one else to talk to, seeing as we’d only been on two dates, but at the same time I consider it a good sign.

We exchange only a few texts during the week (he’s not much of a texter) and when on Saturday evening I ask him if he’s gone home or still at his dad’s house, he says he’s still there, and I am more than welcome to come. He throws in a bath, and a ride to my workshop in his city in the morning. Even though it’s an hour away, I accept after making sure he’s not joking. He warns me it’ll be like camping, but hey, nothing I don’t know. So I jump on a train, tell him I’ll be there at 9, and he comes to pick me up from the train station.

At his dad’s house, he gives me a tour and I start to understand what he’s doing. There’s boxes and boxes of stuff everywhere. Countless binders with paperwork. I wonder if it’s uncomfortable that I’m at his father’s house, but he’s not, so I let it go. He gets drinks, we talk as usual, and somehow ending up playing monopoly on the floor in between the boxes. He’s very touchy-feely this time. I make an idiot of myself by constantly forgetting the rules, and hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. We play for about an hour, and then call it quits to take a bath. He very cutely pours quarter of a bottle of oil in, lights candles, and we jump in. Neither of us have a bath at home, so we take full advantage and hang out until the water gets cold.

Thank God there’s a bed, and we quickly put a sheet on it, and zip two sleeping bags together. Unlike last time, we get right down to business, though we take it a lot slower. The bath made us lazy! We make out for a while, until I climb on top of him. I suck on his balls and dick and listen to him moan. And then he pulls me up by my hair, kisses me hard, and holds me down. Yay. He bites his way down, and I enjoy looking at him in between my legs, and his shoulders working. He spends good time eating me out, but does it very slowly. I give into it and after a while come quietly, very civilized, yet he knows. I take his dick in my hands, and work it until I decide it’s time to fuck. I sit myself down on him, and manage to find a perfect angle. We go at it fast and hard, I make myself come another time, and he quickly comes with his signature three hard thrusts and moans. There’s just something I love about watching and hearing men come, and he’s very satisfactory.

After a quick clean up, we get back into bed. I tell him he’s hot, and find out he’s bad at taking compliments. We have another lazy make out session, and then decide to go to sleep. The alarm will go off in a few hours, he has to go rowing, and I have 3 hours of yoga to do the next day. I’m happy he doesn’t snore as bad as last time, and manage to actually get a good night sleep.

When we wake up, I’m ready to go at it again, but we don’t have any more condoms, and he’s worried of being late. So he gets up to do some last cleaning and get his stuff together, and I take a shower. It’s a quiet morning, but not of the awkward kind. After an hour we close the door and drive back to his city. We get there a lot faster than planned. He parks the car, and we load up his bike with our bags. He rides home with me on the back, and even have time for a cup of coffee at his place. Since he has to be in the boat at 11:30 and my workshop doesn’t start until one, he tells me to stay behind if I want. I can hang out and just close the door behind me? Awesome. I even feel a little flattered. He leaves after a kiss, and I look around. Where to snoop first? No, joking. I didn’t. I did open up his medicine cabinet to see what was there (nothing interesting) went to see what was on the floor beside his bed (a book and condoms) and had a good look at his bookcase. We actually read a lot of the same stuff. His passport was also sitting there, and I did look at that. I found out that when the passport was issued, 3 years ago, he was still married. I already knew that. He’s been married to a man for 6 years, and they were together for 13 years. Intimidating. They split up 2 years ago, very amicably, and their divorce isn’t even final yet. Neither of them want to screw the other over, and apparently, that takes time. Oh well. It’s not a shock, and I’m not bothered. I sit around for a while, have another drink, and then leave for class. I send him a text to say thanks for using his apartment.

After class, late in the afternoon I have a text from him asking how it was, and we go back and forth for a bit. He says he’s gonna go our for a walk since the sun is out. I say I am going for a green shot with two classmates and will wave if I see him walk down the street. I don’t think much of it, but sure enough, half an hour later, there he is. In jeans, shirt and sunglasses. Looking very hot. We spot each other at the same time and I am immediately a little on edge. I’m still sweaty, I’m pretty sure my make up is smudged, and my  hair is in a frizzy ponytail. We say hello with a kiss, he says hi to my two friends, tries my green shot, talks some more, and then leaves with another kiss to go get ice cream. My two male friends stare me down. Who was he? I tell them we’ve been on a few dates and that’s it. They agree that he is smoking.

On the train home, he texts, so hopefully that means he’s not put off by my not so charming post-yoga look. I feel really comfortable around him, but yet I am unsure of what to do all the time. I have the feeling he’s not necessarily looking for something serious. Which is fine, but I need to tell myself to not expect anything or be too forward about meeting up. I also think he is not into me romantically, but does not like being alone at this point in his life and is comfortable with me. We get along really well, are both super comfortable, and the sex is good. I also know that he is insecure, and might struggle with the same thoughts I struggle with.

Tricky thing is that I go on holiday for almost a month in two weeks, and I am nervous he will meet someone else. I’m pretty sure he still goes on dates, which I am fine with, but I don’t want him to meet anyone he’ll be more into that me. Fair chance though, 3,5 weeks is a long time, he won’t wait for me, so hopefully he’ll still be there when I come back. So I have two weeks before I leave, of which 3 trips to Germany, and my period is due on my last weekend home next weekend. Awesome. I gotta figure that one out.