Mediocrity

I had been meaning to write a final post before the year ended, but the truth is I spent the last two weeks either drunk or hungover. I don’t work between Christmas and New Year’s, so naturally it was spent socializing. I’m paying the price for it today! Sick and back to work tomorrow. Anyway. I normally write one post per date, but wanting to wrap it up I will include all three I had over the last fourteen days.

The first date I had was with a guy from Tinder (of course). We met for drinks and got along fairly well, and while he ticked all my physical appearance boxes, hipster beard, undercut, tall, I hated his smile. That sounds terrible, but when he smiled, he looked like a six year old boy. He was much more attractive when he put his serious face on. He’d been married at the age of twenty five and divorced by twenty eight, and has a history of depression. All things I could live with, though the depression part would worry me. It was getting pretty late, and he said I could sleep on his couch if need be. The prospect of sex still sounded pretty good to me, so I agreed. When we got to his place, I was thoroughly impressed. He lived right downtown but away from the noise, and had a very stylish masculine apartment. Very industrial, but with a few cool touches like a rope swing in the living room. Impeccable taste. And then he said ‘I will go get a pillow and covers for you.’ I stood there, utterly flabbergasted. What guy lets a women he brings home sleep on the couch?! When he got back into the room, he looked at me and kind of seemed at loss for what to do or say. But by that point, I was angry and done. I have an excellent, expensive bed at home and somehow I got suck on this guy’s couch. I told him to go to sleep, got out my phone and ignored him. He left. I typed out the story to my friend so she’d have something fun to read when she’d wake up, and I settled on the couch. Then ten minutes later, he comes back into the room, scurries around, grabs my coat and goes to the balcony to smoke. I pretended to be asleep. He’d missed his window of opportunity. Before I fell asleep, I decided to sneak out in the morning. When I woke up at nine, he was still sound asleep in the bedroom. But when I picked up my phone, I saw he had sent me a message saying he’d had a good time half an hour after we’d gone to sleep. I mean. for fuck’s sake. He’s sleeping ten meters away in the other room and he sent me a fucking text?? So I snuck out. Hours later he messaged me he hadn’t noticed my leaving. I pretty rudely replied that that had been my intent, and that no one had ever made me sleep on the couch, ever. He confessed he never meant for me to accept the couch, but he was too drunk to turn that situation around. A man that is not assertive enough to get a woman to sleep in the same bed with him is a no go for me.

Date number two was with a musician, one that actually looked like my musician ex as well. He came to my town for drinks and when I saw him, I thought he was alright, but another one of those too sweet. The night was alright, he ended up missing his train so came home with me. We were both ridiculously drunk. As in when we got home, we had to sit on the floor and try to drink water. We tried to have sex. As in, he tried, but had had too much to drink to get it up. He did a stellar job in sixty-nine so I’ll forgive him for it, but the next morning I wanted him to leave. He told me what a great time he’d had about four times. Don’t like that. I’m not here to validate you. Also, once is enough. It creeps me out. Thankfully he left at nine, texted me again to say the same thing and did it again on Tinder(!) the next day. I let him down gently a few days later.

Date number three was on the day before New Year’s eve. It was a spontaneous one, I was being challenged on my being impulsive, so I had to prove it. I went to his city for drinks, and when I walked in I was relieved that this one was finally attractive to me. He seemed to be a bit awkward in the beginning, but he had a good smile and was eloquent. We went on to the next bar, and I found out he lives in one of the fanciest areas, has paid off his apartment in full, has quit his job and money wise, is able to sit on his ass for the next year. He’s thirty two. I was impressed. As the night went on, I caught him on a few yawns. After about an hour of that, I told him I was gonna go home. Either he was tired or bored. He was tired, but promised to switch to water because he didn’t want me to go. So we had a few more drinks, and eventually went home. We hadn’t even made out. His apartment was huge. And fancy. He gave me champagne. Eventually we made out on the couch and took it to the bedroom. We fooled around for a bit and before I knew it, he’d put on a condom. Not even sure if he was fully hard but before I knew it, it was over. I think it lasted shorter than ten minutes. He took care of me afterwards, but I was a little surprised, though I hid it. I hope the alcohol was to blame, and I also thought I smelled a hint of weed on his beard. We fell asleep, or he did, and I found out he’s the cuddling kind. Yay. The next morning I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and when I came back, he was dressing. No morning sex. Crap. It was a little awkward, so I didn’t stay for breakfast, though we’ve been texting a bit, so he might be a little interested. I might go and find out this week.

So that’s how I wrapped up the year. I’d say having sex on the last day of it would be a good omen for this year, but at the same time I am done with mediocre dates and worse, mediocre sex.

And then let’s not forget about my poker player. He’s still on my mind. A lot. We texted a bit two weeks ago, I asked him how his move was going, he replied with a photo essay including a photo of his dad. I should probably, at some point, tell him he’s on my mind. Just casual like that. I’d like him to come back, I want to see him again. I want to know if he thinks of me.

Anxiety

Last weekend, I went on that awkward drink that John was going to be at. Until an hour before, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. I didn’t want to, but didn’t really have a choice. And I have to say, I am not an anxious or nervous person, but my stomach was all twisted about this one. Everything inside me was telling me not to do it. But I went. I came late, on purpose, and he wasn’t there yet. There was actually one other person there, somebody I actually liked, so I calmed down a bit.

An hour later, John shows up with a few others. I say hello and exchange hugs with everyone while John procrastinates. But eventually he comes, gives me a hug and I get the traditional three kisses. He says he wasn’t sure if I would be there, as I had been listed as an optional attendee. I bite back on asking him if he was disappointed I was there, and just smile. As the night goes on, he gets a little drunk. At some point, I end up siting next to him, he spills some nuts he’s eating, and asks me if I have seen his nuts. I look him dead in the eyes and say ‘why yes, yes I have.’ He has the decency to flush. All in all, I think we’re good.

So, the Stud! I realized earlier that we’re heading for a fourth date. I have not made it that far in a long time, how sad! I asked him if he would like to go on another date before I left, to which he said he’d actually like that. As we’re both super busy this week, (he’s at his father’s again, I am traveling) we settled for Friday. I took Friday afternoon off and don’t fly until Saturday evening, which is a good thing as Friday seemed like the only option. We’ve yet have to narrow down time and place, but to be honest, I can’t wait.

And of course, I’m a little anxious. (yeah yeah). As I said it’ll be a fourth date, but also knowing that he is not really looking for something serious, I don’t quite know where we stand. Why do I even need to know? I don’t really want to have a conversation about it, because we haven’t spoken about relationships or expectations, and I feel that now it’d be a little too late. Though, still I want to find out if he actually likes me or thinks he could. I figured if he still wants to see me after my holiday, I’ll see how it feels. After all, fourth date! A milestone for me, how sad. But then; why would you go past three dates if you’re not really into someone? Ah, the mindgames.

Oh Tinder…

You’d think I had enough of online dating. But I just have to try this new thing out. I guess it’s not so new anymore, but on this side of the world it kind of is. So I’ve downloaded Tinder, but seriously…

I will not ‘like’ you if you:

– Put up a profile picture of your child (seriously?)

– If there are any children in any pictures at all.

– If you’re getting cozy with a lady friend in the picture (and yes, this definitely comes after the kids rule)

– If after 4 pictures, I am still unable to tell which one of the beer drinking homies you are

– If your picture is obviously a studio photograph, like this one  (And yes. I am putting it up. It’s too good. And can for sure be found on awkwardportraits.com)

Schermafbeelding 2013-10-03 om 20.51.24

– And lastly; if your name is John, we’ve had a bad drunken fuck and you’ve been a dick about it. The screenshot is tempting. And what’s worse; I am dying to find out if he swiped me to the right, but I’d only find out if I would do just that!

Seriously; does this work for anyone? I’ve had plenty mutual likes, sent a few messages and gotten a few, but most are MIA. One asked me straightaway if I’d be into a threesome with his girlfriend (no thanks) and the others were just… boring. Ha! seems like I am running out of options!

Regrets

You might remember I talked about a trip to the US I was taking for work last week. Well, that has come and gone, and I’m back, and not completely unscathed, if you will! Let me start at the beginning.

You may even remember that I went for a running event. I went to participate in what could possibly be the biggest relay race in the world (yup, google that and you’ll know where I’ve been) that spans just about 200  miles. About 50 teams from offices around the world in my company participate, and we went with about 200 people from my office. We were made up of teams of 12, and in my team, we all happened to kind of know each other. Technicalities.

So I arrived a few days early, did the tourist thing, and then as of last Wednesday, we were in full fledged pre-race programs. We visited our head offices, trained some more, did some teambuilding and had lots or carb and protein filled dinners. (Read burgers and beer.) On one of those nights, I happened to be the last woman standing at our fancy hotel bar, together with, let’s call him John. John is the last man standing and I am not surprised. He’s British and knows where to put it. John is in my team and I had never really talked to him, because he always seemed like kind of a dick. Anyway, we finish our last drink, and decided to hit a famous strip club in town. Colleagues had told me to go there, and he was up for it. Though once we hit the elevator, he made his move and pushed the button for his floor. We got off, ran into his roommate in the hallway, and before I knew it, he was told to ‘go hang out’ for a while.

John latched the door, and he is not as drunk as I thought he was, as he has no problems getting it up. So we get to business. I have to ask him twice for a condom, and twice he bluntly tells me ‘it’s not happening’. In my inebriated mind (or that’s what I tell myself, I wasn’t that drunk) I am thinking ‘a little longer, I’ll stop on time’. He is a fantastic kisser, though that is hardly good enough reason. Somehow I snap out of it though, and leave him. Just in time, as his roommate has had enough and wants to get back into the room.

Back in mine, I take a shower, get into bed and hate myself for what has just happened. I can’t believe I’ve gone that far, with another colleague yet again and this time someone else knows. I manage to fall asleep, but wake up feeling exactly the same the next day. I’m disgusted with myself and don’t know what to do. We have another day of teambuilding and during the actual race, we’ll be together in a van for 30 hours. I don’t see him at breakfast, which is good, but once we get on the bus to go to the office, he’s there. He mouths a ‘okay?’ and I nod. During the day I stay away from him a little, but he doesn’t make special efforts to do the same. Eventually we go through a little small talk to test the waters, and it’s not too awkward.

The next day, the race starts, and I decided to be as good as this thing as I normally am. And so we’re stuck in the van with our other 4 teammates, joke around, do our runs, and I am the navigator for a while when he drives in the middle of the night. All goes well and there is no awkwardness. At occasional times we are alone when he walks me to my starting point or when others are sleeping, and it’s all good. Sometimes I feel he is about to take a breath and address the situation, but he never does and neither do I. I feel that there are things unsaid, and I have to bite my own tongue. I am not that girl. He’s nice to me, sticks up for me when the vicious gay guy in our van bitches at me, and apologizes when the team is not there for when I finish the race in the last leg. I can’t help but think he does this out of guilt, after all he hated my guts and he must be nervous about opening my mouth.

We’re on the same flight back, as well as his roommate. We all have breakfast at the airport, have a horrible flight with puking, screaming kids and then say our goodbyes at our home airport. He and I are the last ones to wait for our trains, and as I only have 2 minutes before mine leaves, we have a quick hug and don’t say much. And today, not exactly looking my best, I run into him at the office. Awesome.

So all in all, I have myself to blame for this. I don’t feel any less awful about it than I did last week. When will I learn? I keep saying I deserve better, but maybe I don’t. I am going to let this go completely, but feel unhappy about the whole thing. Ugh. Feel free to comment with your advice or judgements!