I’d prefer not to think about what that makes me. Anyway, the French colleague I had been exchanging rather revealing texts with, decided it was worth the risk. He wanted to come over. My hinting at ‘what does your girlfriend think of all your texting?’ was met with a ‘I’m at football training and she goes to bed before 10pm.’ Alright then. So the date was set for last Monday. He’d stop by before going to work. I’m not a huge fan of morning sex, especially when I don’t really know what time he’ll come and I have to be at work before 9, but hey. I’m willing to give it a try for good sex. And let’s face it; it had been a while.
He showed up at 7:50, which left me enough time for a shower. Instead of ringing my incredibly loud doorbell and waking up the neighbors, he knocked. Bonus points. I had been nervous about it being awkward; would he still be attractive, or had I fantasized about it too much? Awkwardness went out the window quickly as he was exactly as I remembered, and he didn’t waste any time.
I wish I could say it was amazing. It was okay, but he didn’t live up to the standard he’d set for himself. He’d told me he was a good kisser. He wasn’t. When he first kissed me I immediately worried; we all know what they say about bad kissers. He adjusted quickly though and got on with it. I’d say we were pretty efficient. Little bit of oral, and finishing off in doggy. He took a quick shower, and left. I did the same afterwards, and felt a little unsatisfied. Literally. I could tell he was used to doing the same thing over and over. There was potential, sure, but I needed to figure out whether I was disappointed or not.
Subsequently, I never contacted him. All the contact was initiated by him. Not in the least because I wasn’t going to be the one that made his girlfriend say ‘who the hell are you texting all the time?’. That day, he checked in to see if I was okay, and if I had any regrets. I wondered. No, I didn’t have any regrets, but when he asked if I enjoyed myself, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I think I had, but at the same time… should I tell him he didn’t need to be so gentle? Or that he talked too much? Or that I didn’t come? I did none of that. Shame on me.
He came round again on Thursday. I had decided to give him a second chance to see if I was right about his potential. Also, he continued to text me, which I thought was nice. He showed up at the same time, and seemed a bit more relaxed. Again he wasted no time, quickly stripped me out of my clothes and went down on me. And, I have to say, he was the first in a while spending a good amount of time eating me out. With success. Generally, the sex was a lot better, and I felt a whole better when he left, and I think he did too.
But then I didn’t hear anything all day. So I text him in the evening, asking how he is. He replies, and asks if I had a good time. I did, had he enjoyed himself? And then something like this happens. Let’s call him Louis.
Louis: Don’t get me wrong, but as a good guy it’s not always easy to find the right balance.
Me: (Balance is gone as soon as you cheat, but I don’t say that) Feeling guilty?
L: Not guilty, I did what I wanted to do, but the question is more how long I can continue if you see the difference.
Me: I’m not sure I get it, sorry.
L: No problem, even for me it’s hard to follow because I have various feelings going through my head.
And there is a short conversation of me telling him he doesn’t owe me anything and that he can just let me know what he wants to do. Which he says he’ll do when the 10.000 voices in his head calm down. Though, he has been texting me all weekend. For one; I don’t think he is a good guy, and I would have understood if he felt guilty. I was even surprised when he said he didn’t. I have no clue what he is on about. I can’t deal with indecisiveness, in whatever situation. I would completely understand if he wanted to quit, and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either.
I don’t understand how he would put a family on the line for booty, and how he can be so reckless, even. His girlfriend works for the same company. I have never seen her, but the risks that he is taking blow my mind. I could have known her, and be setting him up. I’m sure that hasn’t even crossed his mind. I’d never do such a thing, I care too much about my own reputation, but still. And if this continues, I am determined to get into his mind and find out about the psyche of a cheater. And what the above conversation means.