When I chickened out.

Having sex at work is something I wouldn’t normally do. Louis would. He has told me he actually has had sex in a bathroom three times. During work hours. That’s right.

So when he had told me that coming to my house was not an option anymore, he opened up the possibility of having sex at work. I didn’t really respond to it; couldn’t really see myself scraping together the courage to actually do something like that.

But today, when I texted him I had a meeting in his building, he, as I expected, immediately suggested we get it on. I told him probably not, but I’ll go check out your secret bathroom and let you know. The thought of it made me nervous, and I was barely able to suppress that during the meeting even though I knew there was no way I would go through with that.

I did go downstairs, to the garage entry where he said was a bathroom. It was right at the entrance and while not the main entrance, it got plenty of traffic. We would be able to sneak in and out unseen, but the thought of hearing the door open and close all the time and the potential of someone having to use the bathroom while we would be in it put me off. Yes, it’s exciting, but I do care too much about my job to get caught. Thursday afternoon at 4 did not seem like a good time for that.

He asked me what I thought and if he should come down. I told him it made me nervous, that there was a lot of traffic. And that I wasn’t carrying a condom. That was okay, we could do a lot of other stuff? I wanted to, but I didn’t. And so I chickened out. He was cool about it, understanding it was a work environment. We could save it for when we would both be happening to be working late. That sounds a lot better. To be honest, I am not even disappointed with myself for not going through. Feels quite good actually!

I am off the the US on Saturday, wish me luck on the Abercrombie hunks!

Outcomes

So it seemed Louis was in doubt about last week’s encounters. I had decided to leave him alone. I didn’t want to give him any leads that I would be into him for more than occasional sex. He continued to text me though, and I responded cautiously, I still had no idea what he wanted.

And then last week, when he found out I had been in his building at work, he was completely on again. He mentioned how thinking about having sex with me at work was a turn on for him, as opposed to what we had been doing. Excuse me? He reveals that coming over to mine in the morning seemed too planned and awkward to him. I point out that there’s not really another way to do this but to plan to which he agrees but then says that it went a little too easily and that scares him. Ah.

While I can understand it (sure, having to plan it this way is a little forced) but if he wants to cheat, I don’t really know what he was expecting. But I leave it, I’m not a bitch. He keeps hinting at having sex again, so I am not sure how exactly he wants to ‘plan’ it. Seriously, I am not even the one with a relationship yet I am having to do a little too much work for this than I’d like. Anyway, he has been away on a long weekend trip with his family, so I haven’t heard anything, and as usual, I will leave it up to him.

Also, next weekend I’ll be going on a semi business trip to the US for a week. Semi because I’ll be running a half marathon on behalf of my employer (with about 200 colleagues) and I’ve taken a few extra days to meet friends that happen to live in the same city and get some shopping done. I haven’t been in the US in 10 years, and I can’t wait! And secretly I am hoping to meet a hot Abercrombie stud!

He’s A Cheater

I’d prefer not to think about what that makes me. Anyway, the French colleague I had been exchanging rather revealing texts with, decided it was worth the risk. He wanted to come over. My hinting at ‘what does your girlfriend think of all your texting?’ was met with a ‘I’m at football training and she goes to bed before 10pm.’ Alright then. So the date was set for last Monday. He’d stop by before going to work. I’m not a huge fan of morning sex, especially when I don’t really know what time he’ll come and I have to be at work before 9, but hey. I’m willing to give it a try for good sex. And let’s face it; it had been a while.

He showed up at 7:50, which left me enough time for a shower. Instead of ringing my incredibly loud doorbell and waking up the neighbors, he knocked. Bonus points. I had been nervous about it being awkward; would he still be attractive, or had I fantasized about it too much? Awkwardness went out the window quickly as he was exactly as I remembered, and he didn’t waste any time.

I wish I could say it was amazing. It was okay, but he didn’t live up to the standard he’d set for himself. He’d told me he was a good kisser. He wasn’t. When he first kissed me I immediately worried; we all know what they say about bad kissers. He adjusted quickly though and got on with it. I’d say we were pretty efficient. Little bit of oral, and finishing off in doggy. He took a quick shower, and left. I did the same afterwards, and felt a little unsatisfied. Literally. I could tell he was used to doing the same thing over and over. There was potential, sure, but I needed to figure out whether I was disappointed or not.

Subsequently, I never contacted him. All the contact was initiated by him. Not in the least because I wasn’t going to be the one that made his girlfriend say ‘who the hell are you texting all the time?’. That day, he checked in to see if I was okay, and if I had any regrets. I wondered. No, I didn’t have any regrets, but when he asked if I enjoyed myself, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I think I had, but at the same time… should I tell him he didn’t need to be so gentle? Or that he talked too much? Or that I didn’t come? I did none of that. Shame on me.

He came round again on Thursday. I had decided to give him a second chance to see if I was right about his potential. Also, he continued to text me, which I thought was nice. He showed up at the same time, and seemed a bit more relaxed. Again he wasted no time, quickly stripped me out of my clothes and went down on me. And, I have to say, he was the first in a while spending a good amount of time eating me out. With success. Generally, the sex was a lot better, and I felt a whole better when he left, and I think he did too.

But then I didn’t hear anything all day. So I text him in the evening, asking how he is. He replies, and asks if I had a good time. I did, had he enjoyed himself? And then something like this happens. Let’s call him Louis.

Louis: Don’t get me wrong, but as a good guy it’s not always easy to find the right balance.

Me: (Balance is gone as soon as you cheat, but I don’t say that) Feeling guilty?

L: Not guilty, I did what I wanted to do, but the question is more how long I can continue if you see the difference.

Me: I’m not sure I get it, sorry.

L: No problem, even for me it’s hard to follow because I have various feelings going through my head.

And there is a short conversation of me telling him he doesn’t owe me anything and that he can just let me know what he wants to do. Which he says he’ll do when the 10.000 voices in his head calm down. Though, he has been texting me all weekend. For one; I don’t think he is a good guy, and I would have understood if he felt guilty. I was even surprised when he said he didn’t. I have no clue what he is on about. I can’t deal with indecisiveness, in whatever situation. I would completely understand if he wanted to quit, and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either.

I don’t understand how he would put a family on the line for booty, and how he can be so reckless, even. His girlfriend works for the same company. I have never seen her, but the risks that he is taking blow my mind. I could have known her, and be setting him up. I’m sure that hasn’t even crossed his mind. I’d never do such a thing, I care too much about my own reputation, but still. And if this continues, I am determined to get into his mind and find out about the psyche of a cheater. And what the above conversation means.