He likes me

And I don’t like him back. As usual.

After coming back from the China trip (which was a bitch) I reactivated some of my dating profiles, after promising myself to have more fun with it. So I went on a date with a Tinder guy I’d been chatting with for days. He’s an elementary schoo teacher, which I think is awesome, seemed funny and was physically attractive. He drove all the way to my town and when we met there was… nothing. From my side at least. He was nervous, and it took him a couple minutes to calm it down. And remember how with the bisexual Stud I casually thought he was just in touch with his feminine side? Well, with this one I blatantly wondered if he was gay and in denial. He was a little judgmental, he didn’t like my job nor my employer, he doesn’t travel, doesn’t read, doesn’t like cities and sometimes pinches kids. We had no issues chatting but I wasn’t feeling it. At all.And now he’s still happily texting me and I have to tell him it ain’t gonna happen. I have to. Karma and shit.

On Tuesday I’m supposed to see another Tinder guy for some adult fun, so that’s something at least! I just have to remind myself the world doesn’t revolve around men and that I should learn to be okay by myself. Some days are better than others obviously.

While in China, the Stud sent me messages now and then to say good luck or ask how it went. Pretty nice. He then mentioned he had to be in my city for a competition tomorrow. I offered him dinner and a place to stay and he accepted. And then yesterday, when I asked him what the plan was, he said he was still around for the competition, but couldn’t meet me anymore. He’d made plans to go right to his friend-chick up north as they are having a stand at a flea market on Sunday to fund a trip they were going on. Say what? I got ditched. I then found out the two of them went to see a show just a few days ago. So obviously he prefers her company over mine, spends a fuckload of time with her, and cannot even bother to come see me when he’s in my fucking city. And I thought the new girlfriend was gonna bother me. Oh sure, he did ask me if I am free one night next week. But to be honest, he doesn’t feel like such a good friend that I wonder if he’s worth the hassle. Two weekends in a row with this other friend that he cancels his plans with me for, but sure I can hop over for two glasses of wine before it’s time to go to bed. And yes, I know I need to let it go a little (anyone notice the contradiction?) but I might just have to reconsider the whole situation. I don’t like feeling second hand.

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Peacefulness

When I didn’t hear anything from the Stud for a while, I decided to call him last week. As I mentioned in my last post, since we’d been on four dates and all, I felt like I deserved at least some sort of explanation. So I called, half expecting him not to pick up. He did, and sounded happy to hear from me on top of that. We chatted for a while, and then he asked if I’d like to meet up now that I was back, maybe he could come my way this time? Hell yes. We agreed to call each other later that week as he had to go.

On Saturday, I received a message from him, we exchanged a few, until I asked him if he still wanted to meet up. He took a while to respond, and I knew what was coming. Yes, he would like to see me again, but I had to know he was no longer interested in casual sex, it wasn’t making him happy. Fair enough. I asked him what he did want, knowing that his disinterest in casual sex did not mean he wanted to be serious about me. He said he wanted to just meet and see how things went.

And so we met the next day. I was a little nervous it would be awkward, but it wasn’t. We went for a drink, then dinner, then more drinks, and it was every bit as nice as the previous four dates had been. Only this time I knew I wasn’t coming home with him, as much as I wanted to. I asked him how he felt about dating, and he said he had cut off all of his casual contact. Except for two. Me, and another girl he has been seeing since November. With her he’s actually recently had a ‘are we in a relationship?’ talk, and they decided no. He also said he sometimes still has a hard time with his failed marriage. He doesn’t like being alone, but realizes he needs to be, and it is not fair to string anyone along at this point, as he has too many things to figure out.

All very fair. I appreciated his honesty, and the fact he did this face to face. So where does it leave me? We continue to be in touch, and we will still see each other. Platonically for now, and if ever a spark happens, it happens, but it is not something he wants right now. And I am actually at peace with this situation. Realistically, a serious relationship with this man was probably not in the cards anyway and if it was, it would have been a messy one. He is very attractive, he’s great company and so if anything, I made a new friend. And who knows, one day.

Though I am not waiting around for it. I’ll continue dating, and we’ve kind of told each other to be honest. If feelings change for either one of us, it’s time to have a conversation.

So, do I have any dates lined up? None whatsoever. Ugh. Nothing interesting has come up on Tinder recently, and my dating websites have been eerily quiet. Maybe I should give dating a rest. Not that I want to, but sometimes it just makes me so tired to put myself out there time after time. When is it going to pay off?

Also, earlier today, I received a message from the Musician. He used my full name, asked my how I was, and then politely asked about my recent holiday. Uh… what do you want? He wants to know if I still work for my current employer. Yes, I do. Can I hook him up with a few things? I don’t think so. I have no intention of helping him out whatsoever. He ruined that a long time ago. He then inquires about my dating. I tell him I have met someone fantastic and am very happy. He doesn’t need to know. He tells me he is still happy with his Scandinavian chick. Well, good luck to you my friend. He ends with a ‘I’ll speak to you later. X’. Nah.

I felt a little weird after that, I did not need to hear from him, but after an hour, that feeling subsided. I seem to be in a comfortable space with the men in my life. And the ones that are not anymore.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

Date #3

On Wednesday night, a couple days after my second date with the bisexual man (who I will now call Stud as it sounds much better) he sent me a text late at night asking if he could call me. Sure, I replied, wondering what he could possibly want to talk about. He calls, and says he wants to hear a familiar voice. He is at his father’s house, trying to clean it out. His dad has Alzheimers, and he took the ungrateful job of sorting through his things to see what’s staying and what’s going. He feels alone and a bit sad, understandable. We talk for a while until he feels better, he goes to take a bath, I go back to bed. I did wonder if he had no one else to talk to, seeing as we’d only been on two dates, but at the same time I consider it a good sign.

We exchange only a few texts during the week (he’s not much of a texter) and when on Saturday evening I ask him if he’s gone home or still at his dad’s house, he says he’s still there, and I am more than welcome to come. He throws in a bath, and a ride to my workshop in his city in the morning. Even though it’s an hour away, I accept after making sure he’s not joking. He warns me it’ll be like camping, but hey, nothing I don’t know. So I jump on a train, tell him I’ll be there at 9, and he comes to pick me up from the train station.

At his dad’s house, he gives me a tour and I start to understand what he’s doing. There’s boxes and boxes of stuff everywhere. Countless binders with paperwork. I wonder if it’s uncomfortable that I’m at his father’s house, but he’s not, so I let it go. He gets drinks, we talk as usual, and somehow ending up playing monopoly on the floor in between the boxes. He’s very touchy-feely this time. I make an idiot of myself by constantly forgetting the rules, and hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid. We play for about an hour, and then call it quits to take a bath. He very cutely pours quarter of a bottle of oil in, lights candles, and we jump in. Neither of us have a bath at home, so we take full advantage and hang out until the water gets cold.

Thank God there’s a bed, and we quickly put a sheet on it, and zip two sleeping bags together. Unlike last time, we get right down to business, though we take it a lot slower. The bath made us lazy! We make out for a while, until I climb on top of him. I suck on his balls and dick and listen to him moan. And then he pulls me up by my hair, kisses me hard, and holds me down. Yay. He bites his way down, and I enjoy looking at him in between my legs, and his shoulders working. He spends good time eating me out, but does it very slowly. I give into it and after a while come quietly, very civilized, yet he knows. I take his dick in my hands, and work it until I decide it’s time to fuck. I sit myself down on him, and manage to find a perfect angle. We go at it fast and hard, I make myself come another time, and he quickly comes with his signature three hard thrusts and moans. There’s just something I love about watching and hearing men come, and he’s very satisfactory.

After a quick clean up, we get back into bed. I tell him he’s hot, and find out he’s bad at taking compliments. We have another lazy make out session, and then decide to go to sleep. The alarm will go off in a few hours, he has to go rowing, and I have 3 hours of yoga to do the next day. I’m happy he doesn’t snore as bad as last time, and manage to actually get a good night sleep.

When we wake up, I’m ready to go at it again, but we don’t have any more condoms, and he’s worried of being late. So he gets up to do some last cleaning and get his stuff together, and I take a shower. It’s a quiet morning, but not of the awkward kind. After an hour we close the door and drive back to his city. We get there a lot faster than planned. He parks the car, and we load up his bike with our bags. He rides home with me on the back, and even have time for a cup of coffee at his place. Since he has to be in the boat at 11:30 and my workshop doesn’t start until one, he tells me to stay behind if I want. I can hang out and just close the door behind me? Awesome. I even feel a little flattered. He leaves after a kiss, and I look around. Where to snoop first? No, joking. I didn’t. I did open up his medicine cabinet to see what was there (nothing interesting) went to see what was on the floor beside his bed (a book and condoms) and had a good look at his bookcase. We actually read a lot of the same stuff. His passport was also sitting there, and I did look at that. I found out that when the passport was issued, 3 years ago, he was still married. I already knew that. He’s been married to a man for 6 years, and they were together for 13 years. Intimidating. They split up 2 years ago, very amicably, and their divorce isn’t even final yet. Neither of them want to screw the other over, and apparently, that takes time. Oh well. It’s not a shock, and I’m not bothered. I sit around for a while, have another drink, and then leave for class. I send him a text to say thanks for using his apartment.

After class, late in the afternoon I have a text from him asking how it was, and we go back and forth for a bit. He says he’s gonna go our for a walk since the sun is out. I say I am going for a green shot with two classmates and will wave if I see him walk down the street. I don’t think much of it, but sure enough, half an hour later, there he is. In jeans, shirt and sunglasses. Looking very hot. We spot each other at the same time and I am immediately a little on edge. I’m still sweaty, I’m pretty sure my make up is smudged, and my  hair is in a frizzy ponytail. We say hello with a kiss, he says hi to my two friends, tries my green shot, talks some more, and then leaves with another kiss to go get ice cream. My two male friends stare me down. Who was he? I tell them we’ve been on a few dates and that’s it. They agree that he is smoking.

On the train home, he texts, so hopefully that means he’s not put off by my not so charming post-yoga look. I feel really comfortable around him, but yet I am unsure of what to do all the time. I have the feeling he’s not necessarily looking for something serious. Which is fine, but I need to tell myself to not expect anything or be too forward about meeting up. I also think he is not into me romantically, but does not like being alone at this point in his life and is comfortable with me. We get along really well, are both super comfortable, and the sex is good. I also know that he is insecure, and might struggle with the same thoughts I struggle with.

Tricky thing is that I go on holiday for almost a month in two weeks, and I am nervous he will meet someone else. I’m pretty sure he still goes on dates, which I am fine with, but I don’t want him to meet anyone he’ll be more into that me. Fair chance though, 3,5 weeks is a long time, he won’t wait for me, so hopefully he’ll still be there when I come back. So I have two weeks before I leave, of which 3 trips to Germany, and my period is due on my last weekend home next weekend. Awesome. I gotta figure that one out.

Tinder… the sequel

I am ecstatic to report my dry spell has been broken. And here’s the story how.

As you might remember, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder last Tuesday. Yeah, the bisexual. I was still as excited about it as I was earlier in the week, and when he suggested dinner, I was pleasantly surprised. I haven’t been on a dinner date in a while, usually it’s just drinks. He had asked if I had any day plans, but I’d told him yes as that would have been an exceptionally long date considering this was the one where I’d probably stay over. So we agreed on meeting at 7 at a cool burger and wine bar.

I probably was a little nervous as I always wonder if they’re going to be as attractive as I remember, but as soon as I walked in and saw him waiting at the bar, I was at ease. He was exactly the same. Seriously hot. We had to wait for our table and had no issues talking, like last time. I warned him that I had gotten two wisdom teeth removed surgically earlier in the week, so I had an excuse if I wasn’t holding my liquor very well, and also for chewing on the one side mostly. Charming, no? Well, he sympathized.

Eventually we got to our table, and sat there for nearly three hours while we ate, talked, I made a mess of myself, he admitted hamburgers was probably not the best idea for a date and we drank. When the bill came, he straight up said he’d loved to pay, but wasn’t able to financially, and hoped I didn’t mind splitting. Fair enough, I can appreciate that. Off we went to a bar for another drink, but I was starting to wonder if I had been misreading things. As lovely as his company was, he wasn’t flirty, or touchy-feely at all. Not one bit.

We had one drink at the bar, where he ran into some colleagues, and eventually suggested we go back to his place for a last one. Seeing as it was past midnight, and I did have work the next morning, I readily agreed. He lives in a small apartment, right in the middle of the city, could not get any better location wise, and I figured that’d come in handy in the morning when I’d have to run for my train home. He had a beer and I switched to water, being a little nervous my stitches would dissolve with all the alcohol or something. We sat and chatted and I was really starting to second guess myself. This could become awkward real quick. He would inch closer every now and then, but not enough to convince me to go for it.

At 1:30 in the morning I told him it was time to go to sleep. I was confused at this point. If anything were to happen my night was going to be short and shorter, but he was impossible to read. So instead of making out and falling onto the bed, we just stripped down and got in. It took him another half hour or so, but finally, I think he had scraped together enough courage to give it a try. He was way too hot to be that hesitant.

I gotta say, it was worth the wait; the sex was hot! If I had any worries he wouldn’t know what to do with a woman, they vanished quickly. He’s a biter (love it!) completely went to town on me, and enjoyed it, too. As did I. Not only was he hot with his clothes on, when the clothes came off he still was. And, it had been a while since someone has been able to make me come with just their fingers. He took care of me, and I returned the favor, but wanted a dick inside me, so rode him there. Glad I did, because I have never seen a guy fill up a condom as much as he did.

By the time we went to sleep, it was well past three. He got a firm hold of me, and started snoring away. Every now and then I had to give him a push to make him stop so I could fall asleep, and I think I probably got about 2,5 hours before my alarm went off. It didn’t wake him up, so I slid out of the bed, and quickly dressed. By the time I was done, he was still sleeping. I stressed for a few minutes. I absolutely hate it when they don’t wake up (or worse, pretend not to) and you don’t know what to do. Eventually I figured that since this was a second date, I’d wake him. He, of course, was totally fine, and I left.

It was weird to me that someone so attractive was apparently not confident enough to take the lead and secondly; that a guy like that was into me. I guess we both had our insecurities. But today we’ve been exchanging texts and expressed that we’ve had a good time and would like to see each other again, so hopefully soon!

Tinder Date!

That’s right; last time I was complaining about nothing happening, maybe if I complain sooner next time it’ll speed things up!

So on Tuesday, I went on a date. We hadn’t really talked much, as usual, and I wasn’t very excited, as I am having a long week this week. But I went. On the day itself, he suggested two options, and asked where I wanted to go. I knew neither, so had a quick google and picked the one that as closest to the train station. When I checked with my friend Anne, she immediately called me to say she was impressed, and it seemed like he was making an effort. Supposedly, it was a fancy place. Great. When a guy goes through a lot of effort, I get nervous that they don’t go out much. Twisted, I know.

Anyway, when I walked into the bar, I didn’t immediately see him. There were all couples, and there was only one guy sitting by himself, but that couldn’t be him. He didn’t look like his photos. Matter of fact, he was much hotter. Seriously. But then he looked up and recognized me, and I realized I was the lucky one! He had a bit of a hipster look, but not quite, and dressed well. We kissed hello, ordered wine and hit it off. He was pleasant to talk to, has an interesting job in theatre and is athletic. But the first half hour or so, I was nervous about being out of his league. His type isn’t usually into me. So every time the waitress came by to ask if we wanted more I expected him to cut her off and call it a night. But he didn’t.

So we talked, drank, he was impressed that I knew which Japanese movie he forgot the title of, and he made me laugh. Eventually, they threw us out as closing time was coming up, and I had to catch my last train home. He walked me back to the station, and we literally passed by his front door, to which he said ‘This is where I live, if you want to stalk me’. He dropped me off, and we said goodbye with a regular peck on the lips.

I have to say that he was the best date I’ve been on in a long time! Something has to be ‘wrong’, right? Well. During the course of the night, it became clear that he’s bisexual. I wasn’t very surprised as a few times I thought he seemed in touch with his feminine side, but at one point he mentioned that while his last relationship was with a woman, the one before that was with a man. And on Tinder, he looks for both males and females.

I thought about it on the way home and also the next morning. Bisexuality doesn’t bother me one bit (if he is in a relationship with one person at a time, that is) but I found it hard to say whether he had been into me or not. I hadn’t really picked up on any clues. So when he texted me the following morning, I was pleasantly surprised. We went back and forth a bit, and eventually he said that I would have been welcome to stay over, but it had seemed like I’d wanted to go home.

That new strategy of not sleeping with men on a first date backfired quickly. I told him that that was not the case; but that it hadn’t really come up and so I didn’t know if it was an option. But next time soon? Next time soon indeed. Sunday, actually! And I’m excited about it, too!