New dawn, new year

And so here we have it; another year spent single went by. So so many dates have come and gone I can’t even keep track. None of them have stuck. Well, for the long run that is. I’ve met a few men that rocked my world for a little while, but nothing lasted. There’s been quite a few fellow bloggers that got engaged or even married, and in real life people are finding their soul mates left and right. Dating has never been easier with apps like Tinder, and yet, after a year of full on dating, I haven’t managed to find someone. As I told someone else earlier this week; I am the only constant. There were men that were into me, I believe that I could have been settled by now and yet, I refuse anything less than a hundred percent. Maybe by the end of this year I’ll look at it differently, maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.

But enough of that; here is the yearly list:

Number of weddings attended: one (my younger brother)

Number of funerals attended: none

Number of babies born: one (I’m an aunt!)

Number of dates I went on: countless

Number of sex partners I had: six

As for the regular updates; I went on a second date with the guy I saw the day before New Year’s Eve. When I texted him to ask if he was interested, he jumped on it and wanted to see me the next day. That wasn’t gonna happen, so we settled on Sunday. After a lot of back and forth, I went to his place. I had proposed drinks, but all of a sudden he wanted a day date, wanted to come to my town but after I told him there’s nothing here on a Sunday, he said he had to be back home by nine anyway, and he just wanted to spend an afternoon cocooning. Alright then. I decided to go to his instead, for some reason I did not want him in my house yet. So off I went through the storm. When I got to his place he greeted me with a kiss, made me tea and made small talk. Like last time, he was very calm and quiet. I was a little disappointed, I’d hoped he’d be a bit more alive. We  hung around on the couch for a bit, made out and he quickly wanted to move things to the bedroom. Literally within twenty minutes of me getting there. While I’m happy to report the sex was a bit better, he still didn’t last very long. We got naked pretty quickly, and before I’d even touched him he provided me with an orgasm with his fingers. I could tell he was ready to go but I wasn’t gonna have another super speedy session. But when I went down on him, I literally bobbed up and down twice, maybe thrice before he told me to stop or he would come. I obliged, stalled him a little longer, but then he made an attempt to go for it without condom. That wasn’t happening. He got the message, found one, and did me in missionary until he came, which didn’t take very long and happened in silence. It wasn’t weird, or particularly bad, but I like my men a bit more active, a little less vanilla and to last a bit longer. I don’t know if he takes a long time getting used to someone, or if this is as good as it gets.

He went to prepare dinner, and I took a long time dressing. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. Yes I knew what he’d wanted, but it was the first time I didn’t really feel good about it. Was this really what I wanted? When I got myself together he was cooking, and I finished my tea, which was (mind you) still warm. Lukewarm, but still. He didn’t say much. I didn’t say much. It wasn’t terribly awkward, it was more a calm, serene thing and he might be the type that doesn’t mind sharing his personal space. It was like we’d been married for ten years. And so we had dinner, I helped him pick up a lamp for his bedroom, and he wanted to watch a movie, some action flick I wasn’t really interested in, but okay. I wondered if I should leave. I didn’t. I waited until the end. We had a glass of wine, and he still wasn’t very talkative. I’ve never had such a weird date. He’s attractive, has his shit together, I’m sure he’s got plenty stuff to talk about, but whenever we talked, his answers weren’t very elaborate, and not getting anything in return, you kind of give up. I finished my wine and told him I was gonna go. He saw me out with a kiss, and I left pretty abruptly. On my way home I couldn’t help myself but text him I hoped for his travel buddies he was gonna be a bit more talkative, or if he reserved that just for me. He texted back the next day saying sorry, he had been tired, and had had a really good time. Really? doesn’t take a lot more than sex I guess. He’s gone on a skiing trip now, and I hope he gets over that fatigue of him. Weird shit.

On New Year’s eve, I went clubbing with a few girlfriends. Nothing interesting there, but I did receive a few texts from the poker player. During the day where he wanted to say happy new year and we had a little catch up, and then he texted me in the middle of the night, calling me hot stuff and all. Kinda made my night, how pathetic.

Also, Couch guy asked to go on a second date. I told him I’d be busy for a few weeks and would have to let him know. Really don’t know about him, and I’d say I’ve had my fair share of weirdness.

I’ve got a few more dates lined up this week and so help me God I am telling myself sex is not an option. Though, the fact I closed and started the year sex wise with the same guy, should hopefully be a good omen. Or something.

Once you go black

I had two dates this week! The first one was with a guy whose hair was even redder than mine. Two pale people sitting in a bar… I met him at a super cute cafe. Lately I haven’t been so excited about dates anymore since I always wind up with guys that are nervous and find myself having to work hard to make them feel at ease. I’m tired of these type of dates. I like my men assertive. It seems like they are equal to fairy dust.

Anyway, the redhead was calm and easy to talk to, though he was nervous. He kept touching his face. We had a coffee with apple pie, switched to wine and got along just fine. His job isn’t super interesting, but he’s spent some time abroad as well. He keeps ordering drinks and while I’m not bored, my mind wanders off to the fact I still have to take a train home and I already know I’m not super interested in seeing him again, so I kinda want to get home. Once we call it a night, he actually pays the whole tab. That hasn’t happened in a while. Only two days later he sends me his phone number through a Tinder message, and I give him mine. He still hasn’t texted, so I’d be happy to accept we were just being polite.

Then I had a Tinder date last night. I was not excited about that one either, and even considered canceling a few hours before. He had come across a little needy, a few lame jokes… the works. But I went through with it. Happy I did! He was already at the bar when I arrived, and was better looking than I had been afraid of. His smile was fantastic, very boyish. We did a small pubcrawl, ran into a few colleagues of mine, which was too quick a meeting to be awkward, and when his last train home time was coming up I suggested he stay with me.

We went back to my place, had another wine for show and quickly moved to the bedroom. After we hurriedly undressed and he shoved his dick in my mouth it became very clear very quickly that the ‘once you go black’ saying was definitely true for this one. The man was huge. I’ve never seen a thicker dick. Foreplay was minimal, which I didn’t mind as his skills needed improving, and at that point I just wanted to get fucked. And did he. He was rough, hair pulling, choking and all. Good stuff. After a thirty minute break, he was ready to go at it again. He was going at it so hard I had to tell him twice I needed a minute. Also, because he took a super long time coming, and eventually didn’t. Guess the break wasn’t long enough.

After a bad night’s sleep, he was clingy which I only like if I’m into someone, we had another quickie. After a shower, I kind of ended it quite abruptly. It was clear we didn’t have much else to talk about. He was being super nice and I could tell he cared, but I am just not a happy chirpy person in the morning. If I like someone I want them to stay but if not, I get super awkward. He was a nice guy, and if he calls I’d go out with him again but if not, I’d be cool with that too.

He brought his dog

Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat. He came to my town, which is always a plus. When I was waiting for him, I saw a guy come out of the parking garage, but doubting if it was him. Who would bring a dog to a date? Well, he did. He came straight off a boat he had a job on, working boots, torn shirt, and paint all over himself, his beard and his clothes. Eh… ok. I’m not judging. We went to my local bar, and sat outside. It was a little awkward at first. He was very relaxed, of the kind that doesn’t need conversation to have a good time. I kinda do. We talked a bit, silence. Talked a bit, silence. And I decided to not try so hard. He was on this date also. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but told me bits and pieces about himself. I like the whole hippie thing, but he was on the other end of my universe. He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment, does not own anything except for his car and dog, plans on sailing the world one day, gets bored if he makes too much money, so whatever he earns goes into his own boat. He squats in an abandoned school to have an address, has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex-wife. I mean, wow. He seriously doesn’t give a fuck about anything. We called it a night after three drinks, I took him back to his car, got a big hug, and off he went. The next day, he messaged me on Tinder (while he has my number) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone, because he lost it. I hope he’s not insinuating I took it.

Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine. After several rounds of sushi, she was up to date about the situation with the Stud, and we decided to go for drinks. We went to this totally laid back bar by the water, where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers, and get your own drinks. While my friend got the first round, two guys asked if they could join us. Absolutely. We ended up talking to them the whole night. My friend, who is engaged and has a child, hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids, so I was left talking to the most attractive, single one. By the time we looked at our watches, my friend freaked out as she’d missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she’d parked way out of town. The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride. So her new friend went to drop her off at her car, and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station. When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook, I figured it was save enough to ask for his number. By the time I was on the train, he had already found me, and so I sent him a message in return. Turns out he’s coming to my town on Friday, and asked if I wanted to do it again. Sure thing. Date it is!

And then there is the Stud of course. We have been in touch only a little, he’s been super busy working on the weekends. When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do. I told him we’d do it when he was on holidays and relaxed. His holiday starts tomorrow, so should be soon! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation, but I still have a hard time believing this, and I really don’t want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment.

He ‘joined’ the band

I went on a Tinder date tonight. That’s right, it’s ten thirty and I’m back home. We’d had a fun conversation on Tinder over the past two days, and even though I didn’t think he would quite be my type (I do prefer men with hair) we decided to meet. He came to my town, we went into a bar, and even though I wasn’t immediately attracted to him, we hit it off alright. He was nice, very interested and asked a lot of questions. He was actually so full on I backed off. I hate it when they are full on, I get very uncomfortable.

At some point, a colleague of mine walks in with a friend. She’s cool, immediately notices it’s a date and we giggle over it while he’s in the bathroom. To my horror, when he comes out and sees us talking, he goes and introduces himself to them. Oh boy.

After a while there’s a small band that comes in and starts playing. There’s only about 10 people in the bar, and there’s quite a nice atmosphere. He shifts his attention to the band, asks for songs, makes small talk and requests a song. When they sing it for him, he decides it would be a good idea to step up on the stage, take a microphone and sing along. I’ll give it to him, he had a surprisingly good voice, but jesus. Do you have to do that? He finishes, steps down, finishes his beer talking to the singer, and I’m done. I call it a night pretty quickly, pay my half of the bill, and get out. Ugh.

Since he came to my town, I had decided I would take him home if I liked him, after all I still want to get laid. But it’s funny how the female brain works and how desire disappears when you’re not into someone.

Also, I saw the Stud last night. He was half an hour late, making me wait in the rain. Rain does not to nice things to my hair. But when I saw him my tiny bit of irritation disappeared. Rain does look good on him. He said hello with a kiss (yay) and we quickly went inside. I gave him his stuff, that he was very happy with and got me another kiss, and then asked if I wanted to go for a drink. I told him it really was fine if he wanted to have a quiet night to himself, but he wanted to go. Okay. So we went and had a few drinks. It was busy out as the next day (today) is a holiday, and seriously all women ogled him. I was virtually non existent. I just smiled. He was with me. We didn’t make it a late night as he still had work to do and needed to get up at six today for a weekend of sailing, but it was nice as always.

He gave me a sweater of his to wear back home as it had gotten cold outside, texted me to make sure I got home alright and said he had a good time. He always does. This man is so genuinely nice, I just can’t be upset for not getting what I want from him. Disappointed, sure. Do I think I would ever be the one to change his mind? No. I’ll just be happy being around him.

Thank you India

I am back! I spent the last 3,5 weeks in India, and it has left me loads to contemplate, as usual.

But first things first. Did I see the Stud before I left? Sure did. I flew on Saturday night, and we were supposed to see each other on Friday. He had mentioned he might be a bit late as he would be coming from his dad’s house, but 10 pm is what I call a bit more than late and more like a bootycall. But I went. He was tired, and not completely present. We quickly called it a night, and continued conversations in bed. Naturally we had sex, perfectly normal sex, and woke up early the next morning as he had to leave the house at 9. We said goodbye with a kiss, he got on his bike, and I went to the trains. I all too well realized there had not been a ‘see you in a month’ or anything like it. And worse, I also realized I had left my bangles on his coffee table. Crap. I left with a bit of a heavy heart that night.

India was, once again, crazy. And amazing, and extravagant and dirty and full on and loving. This was my fourth trip, and even though I loved it, I did not lose my heart like I had in previous visits. There were some epic things, I met some fantastic people, saw wonderful places, and got my fair share of unwanted attention. But since this is not a travel blog; I will share two appropriate stories.

I met Veer when he lived in Amsterdam two years ago. We hung out quite a few times and hit it off so well initially that mutual friends were asking if they should start preparing wedding invitations. Unfortunately, nothing ever happened between us. He was either shy or not into me like that, and I was not willing to put myself out there. We did continue meeting though, and kept in touch when he moved back to India last December. So while I was there, he came to see me, and we spent three days together. We went hiking, went to ganga aarti ceremonies, dinners, the whole shebang. We even shared a room. It was funny to see how he had adapted to his surroundings. He was much more assertive than I remembered him to be. When men would stare at me for too long he would take off his sunglasses and give them the stare of death. Quite the turn on. And yet, even when sharing the room, he did not make a single move even though I practically invited him to. He’s far too westernized to put up a ‘good Indian boy’ front, so I had no choice but to accept he wasn’t into me like that. Bummer.

I also met up with Kunal in New Delhi. We have been friends ever since the first time I came to India, five years ago. Quite some time, strictly platonic. We used to have good conversations on differences in the east vs the west, he has traveled a bit, comes from an affluent family and so our correlation had been established long time ago. I was only in Delhi for my last night before going home, and he took me out. We went to a fancy area in town, and enjoyed a few drinks on a rooftop bar. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and had lots to catch up on. After an hour or two we got hungry, and decided to move to the next place. He paid the bill, and down the dark staircase we went. Downstairs, in a deserted lobby, he suddenly grabbed my hand and announced he was going to kiss me. I beg your pardon? I told him no. He asked why not. I said no again. This sucked, we still had to go through dinner and he was my ride back to the hotel. After the initial minute of awkwardness, he got over himself, and we managed to have a nice dinner. He dropped me off at the hotel afterwards, and said goodbye with a hug. Not a word on the subject.

Until the next day. He sent me a text asking if I was upset. I didn’t know if I was, so I told him no. Good, then he wanted to know why I had refused him? We were having a perfectly good night, I had no reason to refuse him at all. I could have just done it. Instantly, I fumed. I sent him a harsh text saying that 1; I was not attracted to him in the slightest (truth) and 2; I was seeing someone back home (kinda true, I hope). He jumped on it by saying he was sorry, he would never have done it had he known I was involved with someone. I told him even if I would not have, I still would not have done it. I had no obligation to him whatsoever, having a pleasant night does not entitle him to anything. He threw out a few cliches about western women and our morals. I swear I had steam coming out of my ears. I had lead him on by going to dinner with him and so on and so on. I sent him a very mean text about his own morals, poor education on the matter and how disappointed I was he had to confirm a stereotype. He apologized, but naturally things have not been the same. I have lost a friend and I am disappointed with myself for misjudging him. It has left me with a bitter feeling about that part of my trip.

So I have been home for a few days, back to work already, and before the weekend, sent the Stud a text that I was back home. And I got nothing in reply. I had texted him for his birthday when I was out and we’d gone back and forth for a bit, but now, nothing. It has been a few days, and he has been online constantly. He has seen my message. My point is; we’ve been on four dates, he has even gone as far as to take me to his father’s house, at least have the decency to say ‘hey, sorry, a month was too long’ whatever. I do not handle the ignoring well. If after a one night stand; fine. But not four dates. So again, am I jaded for thinking he is another asshole, or is he busy and I just need a bit of patience? He might have realized he’s not that into me after all, but dude, grow a pair and tell me. Hopefully I am just being impatient, but it does not feel good. Maybe he’s out of my league after all.

To make myself feel better; I am going on a date with another guy from Tinder tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have been rejected, but I better get over it before it hurts!

Anxiety

Last weekend, I went on that awkward drink that John was going to be at. Until an hour before, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. I didn’t want to, but didn’t really have a choice. And I have to say, I am not an anxious or nervous person, but my stomach was all twisted about this one. Everything inside me was telling me not to do it. But I went. I came late, on purpose, and he wasn’t there yet. There was actually one other person there, somebody I actually liked, so I calmed down a bit.

An hour later, John shows up with a few others. I say hello and exchange hugs with everyone while John procrastinates. But eventually he comes, gives me a hug and I get the traditional three kisses. He says he wasn’t sure if I would be there, as I had been listed as an optional attendee. I bite back on asking him if he was disappointed I was there, and just smile. As the night goes on, he gets a little drunk. At some point, I end up siting next to him, he spills some nuts he’s eating, and asks me if I have seen his nuts. I look him dead in the eyes and say ‘why yes, yes I have.’ He has the decency to flush. All in all, I think we’re good.

So, the Stud! I realized earlier that we’re heading for a fourth date. I have not made it that far in a long time, how sad! I asked him if he would like to go on another date before I left, to which he said he’d actually like that. As we’re both super busy this week, (he’s at his father’s again, I am traveling) we settled for Friday. I took Friday afternoon off and don’t fly until Saturday evening, which is a good thing as Friday seemed like the only option. We’ve yet have to narrow down time and place, but to be honest, I can’t wait.

And of course, I’m a little anxious. (yeah yeah). As I said it’ll be a fourth date, but also knowing that he is not really looking for something serious, I don’t quite know where we stand. Why do I even need to know? I don’t really want to have a conversation about it, because we haven’t spoken about relationships or expectations, and I feel that now it’d be a little too late. Though, still I want to find out if he actually likes me or thinks he could. I figured if he still wants to see me after my holiday, I’ll see how it feels. After all, fourth date! A milestone for me, how sad. But then; why would you go past three dates if you’re not really into someone? Ah, the mindgames.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.