An Epiphany

I had one. Seriously.

Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website. Fifty year olds with pot bellies, balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth. Did these men really think I was in their league? It upset me, even. (Which I find awful to admit because I’m really trying to be less judgy) Surely I could do better than guys like that.

But then, in some really clear moment, it hit me. Was I a female version of these men, trying to date outside of my league? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all. All these men that I do not get past two dates with. Is it karma? I’ve left men hanging, not replied or even been rude. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. There is. I’m a bitch. A lot of the time. I can’t deal with stupidity and flakiness. But instead of giving people a chance, I jump right at their throat. Especially men. And I probably look like it too. Even if someone were to be remotely interested, they’d back off at second glance.

Bottom line; I’ve got stuff to work on. I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me, and I need to get my head clear. How can I find love if this is my state of mind? I am always envious of people that radiate calm, kindness and love. They are open, and people want to be around them. They’re always loved by someone. So if I want any of that, I need to change my attitude.

In a way my trip to China comes at the right time. Even though it is a work trip, I booked some holidays following, and perhaps I shouldn’t do anything but spend some time on myself and see if I can get things straight, at least in my head.

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He brought his dog

Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat. He came to my town, which is always a plus. When I was waiting for him, I saw a guy come out of the parking garage, but doubting if it was him. Who would bring a dog to a date? Well, he did. He came straight off a boat he had a job on, working boots, torn shirt, and paint all over himself, his beard and his clothes. Eh… ok. I’m not judging. We went to my local bar, and sat outside. It was a little awkward at first. He was very relaxed, of the kind that doesn’t need conversation to have a good time. I kinda do. We talked a bit, silence. Talked a bit, silence. And I decided to not try so hard. He was on this date also. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but told me bits and pieces about himself. I like the whole hippie thing, but he was on the other end of my universe. He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment, does not own anything except for his car and dog, plans on sailing the world one day, gets bored if he makes too much money, so whatever he earns goes into his own boat. He squats in an abandoned school to have an address, has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex-wife. I mean, wow. He seriously doesn’t give a fuck about anything. We called it a night after three drinks, I took him back to his car, got a big hug, and off he went. The next day, he messaged me on Tinder (while he has my number) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone, because he lost it. I hope he’s not insinuating I took it.

Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine. After several rounds of sushi, she was up to date about the situation with the Stud, and we decided to go for drinks. We went to this totally laid back bar by the water, where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers, and get your own drinks. While my friend got the first round, two guys asked if they could join us. Absolutely. We ended up talking to them the whole night. My friend, who is engaged and has a child, hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids, so I was left talking to the most attractive, single one. By the time we looked at our watches, my friend freaked out as she’d missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she’d parked way out of town. The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride. So her new friend went to drop her off at her car, and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station. When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook, I figured it was save enough to ask for his number. By the time I was on the train, he had already found me, and so I sent him a message in return. Turns out he’s coming to my town on Friday, and asked if I wanted to do it again. Sure thing. Date it is!

And then there is the Stud of course. We have been in touch only a little, he’s been super busy working on the weekends. When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do. I told him we’d do it when he was on holidays and relaxed. His holiday starts tomorrow, so should be soon! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation, but I still have a hard time believing this, and I really don’t want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

The Scorecard

Inspired by this; here is my overview of another year gone by.

I completed a yoga teacher training. It was fucking hard. I parted ways with a friend. I ran a half marathon. I went to a festival. I got drunk, made a fool out of myself and danced like there was no tomorrow. I took a plane 5 times. 3 of those were business trips. I switched jobs. I’ve kept my enemies close. I was a witness at my best friend’s wedding. I made out with the man of honor. I got sunburned at the beach, celebrated summer on boats and stayed up to see sunrises and sunsets. I fell in love. I got dumped. I missed out on my yearly visit to India. I made new friends. I had the big 3-0 this year. I got carded at a bar. I had a friend with benefits. Two of my best friends had babies. Two got married. I went on lots of dates. Some good, some bad. I ran into my first man with erectile issues. Didn’t stick around for that one. Had the worst sex to date. What’s worse; there’s two nominees on that list. Had some pretty good sex as well. I didn’t meet The One.

In short:

Number of weddings attended: one

Number of funerals attended: none

Number of babies born: two

Number of babies expected: one (I’m gonna be an aunt!)

Number of dates I went on: countless

Number of sex partners I had: six

For 2014 my resolution is to be fearless, and be fearless about love. No holding back, do what you say and mean what you say. I’d like to believe that there’s someone out there looking for me.

So That’s That

I sent him a message last night, and it took him a good 12 hours to get back to me. Look out for the sorry.

photo

 

Yeah, he really gave a damn. Needless to say he never replied to my last comment. I kind of wanted to add something saying that if he wanted a fuck, he better up his game. But hey. This is a step for me as I never call men out on their bullshit. 

Another Asshole

I’m so fucking angry with myself right now. Because I fell for it again.

Mr. Fiji said he’d like to make up for his cancellation and take me for drinks tonight. I gave it some thought, discussed it with my friend Selma who said screw him, and decided to meet him. He’d come to my city at 9, and I told him to let me know when he arrived so I could pick him up at the station. All good.

And as I am writing this, I am obviously not on a hot date. I had showered, dressed, put make up on and the whole she-bang, and waited. At 9:30, I sent him a message. He saw it. And to this point, he’s not replied. So it’s 2 hours later, and I’ve changed into my PJ’s. I am so fucking upset that he’s another one of those assholes that goes no-show and I’m left feeling like an idiot.

I can’t wait to hear what the lame excuse is and to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow. In the meantime I need to calm myself down because I won’t be able to sleep like this.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

He’s back.

Louis. The colleague that cheated on his girlfriend. With me. And that’s exactly as classy as it sounds. I hadn’t contacted him after I returned from the US 3 weeks ago, and since I hadn’t heard from him either, I figured that was the end of it. Wrong. I got a text from him on Monday saying that he was just back from holidays now. We texted for a little bit, he tested the waters, I wasn’t so into it as I had been. Yesterday I had a meeting in his building and I didn’t see him, but an hour later I received a text that read “you shouldn’t wear those jeans if you don’t want them to be taken off.” It made me smile, but I think I’ve cooled off from the whole thing, and I am kind of surprised he hasn’t. What the hell is wrong in that relationship?

Also, life is hard when you fuck up. John is a dick after all. I ran into him a few times this week. He was alone, I was alone, and he completely ignored me passing by an a deserted hallway. Nice. So tomorrow, we are supposed to go on a group run, and I know he is going. Thursdays is my yoga class at work, but also I want to go running. Though the idea of facing him is holding me back. Just don’t feel like it. So what to do? In my language we have a saying that translates into something like ‘shine for your absence’; and I think I might just do that and go to yoga. At least I won’t make an ass out of myself in front of him and avoid any awkwardness.

Ugh. I just want someone to tell me it’ll all be ok. And I could do with a good hug.

Oh and also; I started talking to a professional rugby player from Fiji online who is just too good looking to be real. If his pictures are for real (and they look like it) he is way out of my league. But hey. So worth a shot!