An Epiphany

I had one. Seriously.

Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website. Fifty year olds with pot bellies, balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth. Did these men really think I was in their league? It upset me, even. (Which I find awful to admit because I’m really trying to be less judgy) Surely I could do better than guys like that.

But then, in some really clear moment, it hit me. Was I a female version of these men, trying to date outside of my league? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all. All these men that I do not get past two dates with. Is it karma? I’ve left men hanging, not replied or even been rude. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. There is. I’m a bitch. A lot of the time. I can’t deal with stupidity and flakiness. But instead of giving people a chance, I jump right at their throat. Especially men. And I probably look like it too. Even if someone were to be remotely interested, they’d back off at second glance.

Bottom line; I’ve got stuff to work on. I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me, and I need to get my head clear. How can I find love if this is my state of mind? I am always envious of people that radiate calm, kindness and love. They are open, and people want to be around them. They’re always loved by someone. So if I want any of that, I need to change my attitude.

In a way my trip to China comes at the right time. Even though it is a work trip, I booked some holidays following, and perhaps I shouldn’t do anything but spend some time on myself and see if I can get things straight, at least in my head.

He brought his dog

Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat. He came to my town, which is always a plus. When I was waiting for him, I saw a guy come out of the parking garage, but doubting if it was him. Who would bring a dog to a date? Well, he did. He came straight off a boat he had a job on, working boots, torn shirt, and paint all over himself, his beard and his clothes. Eh… ok. I’m not judging. We went to my local bar, and sat outside. It was a little awkward at first. He was very relaxed, of the kind that doesn’t need conversation to have a good time. I kinda do. We talked a bit, silence. Talked a bit, silence. And I decided to not try so hard. He was on this date also. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but told me bits and pieces about himself. I like the whole hippie thing, but he was on the other end of my universe. He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment, does not own anything except for his car and dog, plans on sailing the world one day, gets bored if he makes too much money, so whatever he earns goes into his own boat. He squats in an abandoned school to have an address, has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex-wife. I mean, wow. He seriously doesn’t give a fuck about anything. We called it a night after three drinks, I took him back to his car, got a big hug, and off he went. The next day, he messaged me on Tinder (while he has my number) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone, because he lost it. I hope he’s not insinuating I took it.

Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine. After several rounds of sushi, she was up to date about the situation with the Stud, and we decided to go for drinks. We went to this totally laid back bar by the water, where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers, and get your own drinks. While my friend got the first round, two guys asked if they could join us. Absolutely. We ended up talking to them the whole night. My friend, who is engaged and has a child, hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids, so I was left talking to the most attractive, single one. By the time we looked at our watches, my friend freaked out as she’d missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she’d parked way out of town. The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride. So her new friend went to drop her off at her car, and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station. When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook, I figured it was save enough to ask for his number. By the time I was on the train, he had already found me, and so I sent him a message in return. Turns out he’s coming to my town on Friday, and asked if I wanted to do it again. Sure thing. Date it is!

And then there is the Stud of course. We have been in touch only a little, he’s been super busy working on the weekends. When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do. I told him we’d do it when he was on holidays and relaxed. His holiday starts tomorrow, so should be soon! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation, but I still have a hard time believing this, and I really don’t want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment.

Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

The Scorecard

Inspired by this; here is my overview of another year gone by.

I completed a yoga teacher training. It was fucking hard. I parted ways with a friend. I ran a half marathon. I went to a festival. I got drunk, made a fool out of myself and danced like there was no tomorrow. I took a plane 5 times. 3 of those were business trips. I switched jobs. I’ve kept my enemies close. I was a witness at my best friend’s wedding. I made out with the man of honor. I got sunburned at the beach, celebrated summer on boats and stayed up to see sunrises and sunsets. I fell in love. I got dumped. I missed out on my yearly visit to India. I made new friends. I had the big 3-0 this year. I got carded at a bar. I had a friend with benefits. Two of my best friends had babies. Two got married. I went on lots of dates. Some good, some bad. I ran into my first man with erectile issues. Didn’t stick around for that one. Had the worst sex to date. What’s worse; there’s two nominees on that list. Had some pretty good sex as well. I didn’t meet The One.

In short:

Number of weddings attended: one

Number of funerals attended: none

Number of babies born: two

Number of babies expected: one (I’m gonna be an aunt!)

Number of dates I went on: countless

Number of sex partners I had: six

For 2014 my resolution is to be fearless, and be fearless about love. No holding back, do what you say and mean what you say. I’d like to believe that there’s someone out there looking for me.

So That’s That

I sent him a message last night, and it took him a good 12 hours to get back to me. Look out for the sorry.

photo

 

Yeah, he really gave a damn. Needless to say he never replied to my last comment. I kind of wanted to add something saying that if he wanted a fuck, he better up his game. But hey. This is a step for me as I never call men out on their bullshit. 

Another Asshole

I’m so fucking angry with myself right now. Because I fell for it again.

Mr. Fiji said he’d like to make up for his cancellation and take me for drinks tonight. I gave it some thought, discussed it with my friend Selma who said screw him, and decided to meet him. He’d come to my city at 9, and I told him to let me know when he arrived so I could pick him up at the station. All good.

And as I am writing this, I am obviously not on a hot date. I had showered, dressed, put make up on and the whole she-bang, and waited. At 9:30, I sent him a message. He saw it. And to this point, he’s not replied. So it’s 2 hours later, and I’ve changed into my PJ’s. I am so fucking upset that he’s another one of those assholes that goes no-show and I’m left feeling like an idiot.

I can’t wait to hear what the lame excuse is and to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow. In the meantime I need to calm myself down because I won’t be able to sleep like this.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

He’s back.

Louis. The colleague that cheated on his girlfriend. With me. And that’s exactly as classy as it sounds. I hadn’t contacted him after I returned from the US 3 weeks ago, and since I hadn’t heard from him either, I figured that was the end of it. Wrong. I got a text from him on Monday saying that he was just back from holidays now. We texted for a little bit, he tested the waters, I wasn’t so into it as I had been. Yesterday I had a meeting in his building and I didn’t see him, but an hour later I received a text that read “you shouldn’t wear those jeans if you don’t want them to be taken off.” It made me smile, but I think I’ve cooled off from the whole thing, and I am kind of surprised he hasn’t. What the hell is wrong in that relationship?

Also, life is hard when you fuck up. John is a dick after all. I ran into him a few times this week. He was alone, I was alone, and he completely ignored me passing by an a deserted hallway. Nice. So tomorrow, we are supposed to go on a group run, and I know he is going. Thursdays is my yoga class at work, but also I want to go running. Though the idea of facing him is holding me back. Just don’t feel like it. So what to do? In my language we have a saying that translates into something like ‘shine for your absence’; and I think I might just do that and go to yoga. At least I won’t make an ass out of myself in front of him and avoid any awkwardness.

Ugh. I just want someone to tell me it’ll all be ok. And I could do with a good hug.

Oh and also; I started talking to a professional rugby player from Fiji online who is just too good looking to be real. If his pictures are for real (and they look like it) he is way out of my league. But hey. So worth a shot!

When I chickened out.

Having sex at work is something I wouldn’t normally do. Louis would. He has told me he actually has had sex in a bathroom three times. During work hours. That’s right.

So when he had told me that coming to my house was not an option anymore, he opened up the possibility of having sex at work. I didn’t really respond to it; couldn’t really see myself scraping together the courage to actually do something like that.

But today, when I texted him I had a meeting in his building, he, as I expected, immediately suggested we get it on. I told him probably not, but I’ll go check out your secret bathroom and let you know. The thought of it made me nervous, and I was barely able to suppress that during the meeting even though I knew there was no way I would go through with that.

I did go downstairs, to the garage entry where he said was a bathroom. It was right at the entrance and while not the main entrance, it got plenty of traffic. We would be able to sneak in and out unseen, but the thought of hearing the door open and close all the time and the potential of someone having to use the bathroom while we would be in it put me off. Yes, it’s exciting, but I do care too much about my job to get caught. Thursday afternoon at 4 did not seem like a good time for that.

He asked me what I thought and if he should come down. I told him it made me nervous, that there was a lot of traffic. And that I wasn’t carrying a condom. That was okay, we could do a lot of other stuff? I wanted to, but I didn’t. And so I chickened out. He was cool about it, understanding it was a work environment. We could save it for when we would both be happening to be working late. That sounds a lot better. To be honest, I am not even disappointed with myself for not going through. Feels quite good actually!

I am off the the US on Saturday, wish me luck on the Abercrombie hunks!

Outcomes

So it seemed Louis was in doubt about last week’s encounters. I had decided to leave him alone. I didn’t want to give him any leads that I would be into him for more than occasional sex. He continued to text me though, and I responded cautiously, I still had no idea what he wanted.

And then last week, when he found out I had been in his building at work, he was completely on again. He mentioned how thinking about having sex with me at work was a turn on for him, as opposed to what we had been doing. Excuse me? He reveals that coming over to mine in the morning seemed too planned and awkward to him. I point out that there’s not really another way to do this but to plan to which he agrees but then says that it went a little too easily and that scares him. Ah.

While I can understand it (sure, having to plan it this way is a little forced) but if he wants to cheat, I don’t really know what he was expecting. But I leave it, I’m not a bitch. He keeps hinting at having sex again, so I am not sure how exactly he wants to ‘plan’ it. Seriously, I am not even the one with a relationship yet I am having to do a little too much work for this than I’d like. Anyway, he has been away on a long weekend trip with his family, so I haven’t heard anything, and as usual, I will leave it up to him.

Also, next weekend I’ll be going on a semi business trip to the US for a week. Semi because I’ll be running a half marathon on behalf of my employer (with about 200 colleagues) and I’ve taken a few extra days to meet friends that happen to live in the same city and get some shopping done. I haven’t been in the US in 10 years, and I can’t wait! And secretly I am hoping to meet a hot Abercrombie stud!

He’s A Cheater

I’d prefer not to think about what that makes me. Anyway, the French colleague I had been exchanging rather revealing texts with, decided it was worth the risk. He wanted to come over. My hinting at ‘what does your girlfriend think of all your texting?’ was met with a ‘I’m at football training and she goes to bed before 10pm.’ Alright then. So the date was set for last Monday. He’d stop by before going to work. I’m not a huge fan of morning sex, especially when I don’t really know what time he’ll come and I have to be at work before 9, but hey. I’m willing to give it a try for good sex. And let’s face it; it had been a while.

He showed up at 7:50, which left me enough time for a shower. Instead of ringing my incredibly loud doorbell and waking up the neighbors, he knocked. Bonus points. I had been nervous about it being awkward; would he still be attractive, or had I fantasized about it too much? Awkwardness went out the window quickly as he was exactly as I remembered, and he didn’t waste any time.

I wish I could say it was amazing. It was okay, but he didn’t live up to the standard he’d set for himself. He’d told me he was a good kisser. He wasn’t. When he first kissed me I immediately worried; we all know what they say about bad kissers. He adjusted quickly though and got on with it. I’d say we were pretty efficient. Little bit of oral, and finishing off in doggy. He took a quick shower, and left. I did the same afterwards, and felt a little unsatisfied. Literally. I could tell he was used to doing the same thing over and over. There was potential, sure, but I needed to figure out whether I was disappointed or not.

Subsequently, I never contacted him. All the contact was initiated by him. Not in the least because I wasn’t going to be the one that made his girlfriend say ‘who the hell are you texting all the time?’. That day, he checked in to see if I was okay, and if I had any regrets. I wondered. No, I didn’t have any regrets, but when he asked if I enjoyed myself, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I think I had, but at the same time… should I tell him he didn’t need to be so gentle? Or that he talked too much? Or that I didn’t come? I did none of that. Shame on me.

He came round again on Thursday. I had decided to give him a second chance to see if I was right about his potential. Also, he continued to text me, which I thought was nice. He showed up at the same time, and seemed a bit more relaxed. Again he wasted no time, quickly stripped me out of my clothes and went down on me. And, I have to say, he was the first in a while spending a good amount of time eating me out. With success. Generally, the sex was a lot better, and I felt a whole better when he left, and I think he did too.

But then I didn’t hear anything all day. So I text him in the evening, asking how he is. He replies, and asks if I had a good time. I did, had he enjoyed himself? And then something like this happens. Let’s call him Louis.

Louis: Don’t get me wrong, but as a good guy it’s not always easy to find the right balance.

Me: (Balance is gone as soon as you cheat, but I don’t say that) Feeling guilty?

L: Not guilty, I did what I wanted to do, but the question is more how long I can continue if you see the difference.

Me: I’m not sure I get it, sorry.

L: No problem, even for me it’s hard to follow because I have various feelings going through my head.

And there is a short conversation of me telling him he doesn’t owe me anything and that he can just let me know what he wants to do. Which he says he’ll do when the 10.000 voices in his head calm down. Though, he has been texting me all weekend. For one; I don’t think he is a good guy, and I would have understood if he felt guilty. I was even surprised when he said he didn’t. I have no clue what he is on about. I can’t deal with indecisiveness, in whatever situation. I would completely understand if he wanted to quit, and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either.

I don’t understand how he would put a family on the line for booty, and how he can be so reckless, even. His girlfriend works for the same company. I have never seen her, but the risks that he is taking blow my mind. I could have known her, and be setting him up. I’m sure that hasn’t even crossed his mind. I’d never do such a thing, I care too much about my own reputation, but still. And if this continues, I am determined to get into his mind and find out about the psyche of a cheater. And what the above conversation means.