Roadblocks

I have struggled a bit (a lot) trying to find inspiration and motivation to blog again. Have you noticed? I feel like lots happened, and nothing happened at the same time. It’s been five months since my last post, and while I never stopped dating completely, I did take it very easy. It’s been a summer of festivals, parties and there have barely been weekends that were not planned completely full. And, I’ve bought a house in another city! Especially that one feels huge to me. It (I thought) meant having to make a final decision between settling down and continue to travel the world. Only a few weeks ago I realized one does not cancel out the other. So I made a big commitment, but I feel like it will force a much needed change.

The biggest reason I didn’t feel motivated to write was because nothing changed, and I felt like I had not progressed even a little. I am still single, got frustrated, disappointed and even upset all over again. I spent a lot of time thinking about the whole dating thing, all things I’ve written about before here. My Facebook feed is flooded with engagements and marriages this summer. People flutter from one relationship to the next and I’m still where I was five months ago. But sometimes, just sometimes I am quite pleased with that, especially when I remember to have fun with it. But a lot of times I get a little bummed, when I haven’t managed to overplan my weekends and I sit alone on a Friday night. I think we all know how that feels. FOMO, anyone?

Anyway, it’s not like nothing happened at all. There’s a few things worth mentioning just because they’re good stories.

During the heatwave this summer, I set up a date with swimming pool guy. He had a pool in his backyard. I saw possibilities, try and blame me. We went back and forth a bit and settled on a swimming date only a date later. Not in his pool, but we went to a lake close by. He came and picked me up by car which is something I normally wouldn’t do, but I could not muster the thought of riding my bicycle in the heat. We both brought stuff to fill a picknick basket, and off we went. We found a quiet spot, took off our clothes and jumped in. I didn’t really care getting in bikini on a first date. Conversation was easy, yet at times a little awkward. He wasn’t much of a talker. When we finally made out I found out he wasn’t a great kisser, but to be honest, I just wanted to get laid. So we got dressed, he got a good look, and I made him drive back to my house.

We skipped etiquette, stumbled onto my balcony, and got naked pretty quickly. When he asked if I wanted to take my panties off myself or if he could rip them off, I told him to do it. I wasn’t wearing anything special. I was not disappointed, he was very rough about it. It didn’t take him long to figure out what turned me on. He put his hands around my neck, and there wasn’t much I wouldn’t let him do. We took it inside where he went all out. The fact that it was so freakishly hot added to the whole dirtiness of it. We were both drenched in sweat, not in the least place because we took hours. More specifically, he took hours. HOURS. And then he didn’t, and I was over it a little. It was three in the morning, and I had work the next day. He didn’t seem to mind much, we jumped in the shower, and he asked if he could stay.

We had a quiet breakfast in the morning (which I made him, why?!) and then took off. When he texted me later, he said that he thought the sex was amazing, and fantastic and hot and he’d like to see me again for that, but that he didn’t feel a spark. I told him I was fucking tired of people yakking about sparks. That I was sure he had enough ladies in his contact list to fuck, but that I wasn’t going to be one of them. I was tired of being good enough only to fuck, and at that point I didn’t want to be another fuckbuddy. Looking back now I could have kept him on, but I wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t want to do that anymore.

So I’m back again, continuing to be in good spirits I hope! It feels like I’m always talking to someone, one of these days it has to happen right? I am leaving the best story for the next blog. I’ve been super high and super low on that one, but it’s a long story.

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18 thoughts on “Roadblocks

  1. I know what you mean. My life seems to consist of a string of one-night stands when I feel like it – love feels about as unattainable as the moon these days. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t.

  2. I too appreciate your honesty as Jonathan was saying. I think sometimes we feel like we just need a release…but our heart screws us by wanting something a little bit more. Glad to see you back!

  3. Your problem is you’re a slut. Sex is too important to you. None of the guys you want, want you back because you’re too easy. Guys need a challenge. Yes it means you may have to forgo sex for a while, but in the end the pay off will be big. If you can’t sacrifice even that much, then enjoy being forever alone. The only moment of intelligence you have shown is in your post “Epiphany”

    • Ah, queue the slutshaming. Congratulations, you’re the first in over two years. Sure, my behaviour is slutty at times, won’t deny that. However, it doesn’t mean I AM a slut, not does it say something about my overall intelligence.
      Mind you (maybe you haven’t read correctly), on all occasions, a man has been involved. But I guess that is the double standard women live by these days.
      And again, maybe you haven’t read correctly, we all (and let me speak for myself here) are looking for something special, or for a someone. You make decisions you think are best at that point in time. Because you know, feels. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you put your heart on the line and sometimes it just feels right. Doesn’t mean it is. But you know what? I regret nothing.
      And if you talk to women like that in real life, I’m pretty sure you’re single too. Easy hiding behind a screen and judge strangers. Reminder; you’re not obligated to read this blog. By all means, skip it.
      Or you know, start your own and enlighten us.

    • Also, when you sit there and bash someone online, you might wanna work on your anonymity. I just figured out your full name, home address and Facebook just by that one post.
      That’s how intelligent I am.

    • Ugh this is stupid. Women are allowed to want sex too. Why would WE have to be the ones to hold back. This is infuriating. Wanting sex doesn’t make us sluts.

  4. Ella,
    I read your comments above and I applaud you. I stand behind you with your stance that women can and should want sex as much as men without any stereotype attached to it. I love what you are doing and love reading your blogs as well. I have a similar blog called The Dating Journal that I will be self publishing very soon.
    Please continue with enlightening us with your stories. If I was 10 years younger I would have loved to be part of your blog, in a good way. lol.

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