The night I lost and gained my self-respect

First off; this shit’s embarrassing and I’ll be judged by a couple hundred strangers on the internet I don’t know. But, since my anonymity is still intact, off we go.

There’s an ex I have been in touch with sporadically ever since we broke things off. (You go figure it out). It turned out we happened to be partying in the same city last Friday. By the time we found out, he was already on his way home, and I was pretty much done. We however kept in touch since, and conversations got hotter and heavier. By Monday, things reached a climax.

We were gonna live out this fantasy we (mostly he) had been discussing. I was persuaded to go see him, a good hour and a half away from where I live. What he wanted was this; a whore. He wanted me on my knees, fuck my mouth until I choked, gag me and fuck me in the ass and spank me until I would be begging for mercy. He sent me pictures of what he’d do to me. They were explicit. He wanted me to bring toys. There is a lot in there I can go along with, if not everything. But I was missing two things, respect and empathy.

Sounds contradictory? Maybe. In the final hours leading up to this, he made a few things very clear. If I wanted this, I would come to him. He did not want to leave his house. I told him he would have to come pick me up from the train station, and also that I would need a ride in the morning. Initially, he did not want me to stay. He said there would be enough time to catch my last train home at eleven thirty at night. I refused. It was not until I told him I did not want to be thrown out on the street like a hooker and have to sit on a train for two hours in the middle of the night. Mind you, it was a Monday and I had work the next day. It was not until I pointed out any man with a shred of decency would not let a woman travel on a night train by herself for two hours that he succumbed. The other major roadblock was his unwillingness for cunnilingus. Literally. ‘I am not going to put my mouth on you’. I had actually heard this from him before, so was not majorly surprised. He made it clear I was there for his satisfaction and not mine. I had agreed to this, so I could not blame him. After all he said he was being honest about it. ‘I don’t care if you get off’.

In the heat of it, I accepted all of it. I knew he was a jerk, so I wasn’t very surprised. But as I had taken my shower and was on my bicycle to the train station, my heart started to sink a little. Did I really want this? Yes, I was horny for it, very much so, but he had demonstrated very little understanding for what I was about to do. While I waited for the first train, I contemplated turning around and going home. I could just not make up my mind. I wanted it. But did I want it for the right reasons? I was making a huge trip, really put myself out there, and for what? The train came, and I got on. I was torn and told myself there was still time to go back.

During that twenty minute ride, I waited for a sign. I was going to be fucked in every way imaginable, and would not be able to walk the next day. I would have a sleepless night, and would have to get up very early at that to make it to work in time. I was going to cancel on my yoga buddy. For a fuck. I got to the station, and needed to wait for another fifteen minutes for my connection. I texted him. ‘I am halfway and breaking out in cold sweats. Say something please.’ I needed him to say something nice, to reassure me it would be alright.

He did neither. He wanted to know what was wrong. I told him I couldn’t decide if I was doing the right thing. He sent me another explicit photo and proceeded to tell me I’d come halfway, what was the problem? Didn’t I want this? Hadn’t we talked about this? I told him the train had arrived and I had two minutes to get on. He said he wasn’t going to talk me into anything. If I wanted to come, I should, but he was cooking now.

The train left. I texted him. ‘I can’t do it.’ We went back and forth a bit. He wanted to know what the real issue was. I sent him a long text. I was afraid I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror the next morning. I was going to be a slut, and I didn’t know if I’d be okay with thattomorrow. That because I was making so much effort to get to him it was too easy for him and too cheap for me. He was putting in zero. I couldn’t justify it in my head. I was doing everything and he was doing nothing. That made a full whore circle in my head. I would have done it to myself.

He said he understood, yes he knew he sounded rude and selfish, but that it was part of the fantasy, he had thought we were on the same page.  I had thought so too, but all these second thoughts made me realize I was better than that. He would use me and spit me out like he had done a year ago. It didn’t matter to him who fulfilled his fantasies, as long as he had a warm, hot body. It didn’t matter to him how I felt about it, as long as he could do whatever he wanted. There was zero empathy and respect for me.

Another train passed by. I turned around and went home.



8 thoughts on “The night I lost and gained my self-respect

  1. I’m so proud you went home.I totally understand why you went along with it, and started to go – because there’s something really interesting about fulfilling someone else’s fantasy, even if it’s not really for your pleasure. But yeah the person you’re doing it for had better be grateful on some plane, even if it’s a ‘don’t speak just be naked and ready and shut up and take it’ sort of fantasy, there has to be implicit unsaid trust and respect.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being willing,at the right time, to be that pliable and accommodating and to act like a slut – because both of you know that that is not usually who you are, or what your moral code is (and sometimes it’s fun to break that). If he is trying to tell himself that you are really that, though… is time to get off the train. Can’ believe he didn’t want you to stay, and couldn’t empathise with your efforts to get there and back.

    If he really, genuinely, wants a whore who will turn up then fuck off, then – pay for a whore. He sounds like an arse.

    I’ve done the leaving a date thing and had to get a train home, so you have my utter sympathy for when you were going back home, cross and also un-seen-to! It takes giant courage to back out when something is already in motion, so don’t beat yourself up for wanting an adventure – you were smart and listened to your nagging inner voice… she’s usually right – dammit…

    (essay over!) CG x

    • You’re a sweetheart! I think indeed because I felt like I had said ‘A’, I was obliged to say ‘B’, which of course made it even harder.

      When he initially kept refusing to let me stay and then threw in the no oral, I pointed out that he might want to pay for a hooker instead. Obviously he didn’t get the sentiment. Or more likely; didn’t care.

      I’m still glad I didn’t do it, because in hindsight, knowing what I know now, I think I would have had huge issues with myself the next day!


  2. You definitely could have done it without being a slut or hooker or anything negative. Fantasy land can be a magical place. Although if you aren’t happy there, you shouldn’t go. Some people’s fantasies are others nightmares. I don’t think you gained or lost any dignity, you just figured out more about who you are, which is good.

    Also skipping yoga because of crazy sex is the only point in life.

    • I felt super bad about having to lie to him 😉
      And yes, I totally could have done it, if he had been a little more human about the whole thing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong about doing what he wanted, hell, I thought it was hot even. But yeah… the asshole thing really made it a dealbreaker!

  3. I was really happy to find that you didn’t get on the train. When it comes to sex, I say, “If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I’ve turned down what was sure to be some amazing sexual experiences, because they didn’t feel right. Kudos to you madam.

  4. Can I play devils advocate here? Glad you’re safe and in the end it worked out well for you.

    But it was a fantasy. And it was role playing. The whole bit of it was supposed to simulate the ‘hooker’ experience. If you were able to detach your normal life from the fantasy/role playing (which one would have to do to properly execute the role playing) then great. Otherwise I think you made the right decision.

    People sometimes really need to dettach from reality to fulfill role playing and weird fantasies. Take another example, of a guy wanting to dress up as a baby and have a women treat him like a baby. Same concept. Dettach, live out fantasy, re-attach.

    • Oh, I totally get your point. Sex wise I totally could have done it, I don’t think I would have any issues there. I just needed some humanity before and afterwards that I knew he wasn’t going to give me. I knew that if after I felt like shit and would need an arm or a kind word he wouldn’t give a shit about what I wanted. That’s what I couldn’t live with.

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