The Talk

I had simmered down a bit from my anger preceding my date with the Stud last Wednesday, not in the least because I had a lot of time to think, and also because I have sane friends.

The first one told me I couldn’t murder him for being honest with me. Fair point. I’ve talked about this before, but my issue (one of them) is that I don’t talk. I won’t tell men anything about my feelings, thoughts or anything deeper until I know it is worth the investment. This particular friend also pointed out calling it an investment is ridiculous. How else are they supposed to get to know me when I won’t let them? How can I blame them for walking away when I’m not giving anything? And especially because I knew the Stud’s intentions, I haven’t been very open, which (in my mind) means that I don’t have a right to anything.

The second one said ‘fuck this other chick’. The only question I needed an answer to is what does he want? And there’s three options; does he want a platonic friendship, friends with benefits, or does he see a relationship? Nothing else concerns me. I needed to think about whether I would be ok with whatever answer I would get. And if I would be; it means acceptance, because my eyes are wide open.

So, I had calmed down a bit. Though when I texted him on Tuesday what the plan was, he told me he could meet after nine, where he had told me earlier before. I told him that was quite late considering it was a weeknight, and also that he had told me he’d be available earlier. He said I was right, and cancelled his appointment. Then asked if I wanted to go to dinner together. Yes, I did.

And so we met at his house. He came straight from his rowing training, changed his clothes, and off we went to a Spanish restaurant. The weather was fabulous, we sat outside and before we knew it, had downed a bottle of wine. Things went as usual. We talked for hours, he told me loads of stuff, I did less so. He mentioned a few dates he’d been on, the one chick he stayed over with. I told him about mine. He said I was an exception to the rule when it came to casual dating. I didn’t say anything. We went to the next bar, had another glass, and then went back to his place when it hit one in the morning. Good thing I had taken the next day off.

And then as we were about to get to bed, I got my period. I’d felt it coming all day so wasn’t too surprised, but wasn’t quite sure how he’d take it. He just smiled, said it was a bummer, but oh well. Nothing I could do. We got into bed, made out for a little bit, talked, and then I sucked it up and asked whether we should talk about it, and asked him what he did with the woman he spent four days with the weekend prior. He told me he didn’t, he went home on Monday, and they’d had sex once. She wants to get back with her ex. He doesn’t want to impose.

What about me? He thinks I am beautiful, great and he likes me, but he likes things the way they are now. He still just doesn’t want any relationships. He wants to keep me around, he genuinely feels that we are friends. And if I don’t want to do it his way, I need to tell him and he will adjust. I told him for now I am ok with what he wants, but that I don’t need to know about anyone else he sees. That I need him to be clear at all times. He said that if either one of our feelings change, we need to talk about it.

He is worried about where I stand. And he should be. I’m a girl, after all. It’s up to me now. I realized there’s no point in anger, this is all about me, not him. It doesn’t matter if he continues to see that other woman. What matters is me, how I feel about the situation and to which level I want to take this. I’m not in love with him, yet. And I’d like it to stay that way, but I give it three months before I’d have to tell him I am scared of falling in love with him and getting hurt. Because that’s how it’ll go. I’m just a girl. Until then, I will just see how it goes.

Did I tell him that last paragraph? Of course not. So, I decided I need to work on these things, and he’ll be my guinea pig. I need to be more open, say what I really feel, and not be afraid to say what I want. Because that might be what is keeping me from being in an actual relationship.

We went to sleep, and woke up at ten. We just cuddled and kissed for the next hour or so, and eventually got up. He made breakfast, cooked eggs, talked some more and just took it easy. He dropped me off at the trains later, and off I went to lounge around in the sunshine. I felt kind of bad about the whole period thing. If we’re friends with benefits he kind of wasted a night with me, but I shoved the thought aside.

So that’s the story! I texted him on Friday after a couple of family visits that had not gone so well and he asked if I needed a shoulder to cry on. His intentions are good.

The whole thing’s got me thinking about my (non)relationships. I don’t want to be alone, in with that, I need to be careful not to hang on to something for too long that’s not going to work. I have never been told ‘I love you’ by a man, however sad that is. And in my quest to find something like it, I sometimes go a little overboard. (I signed up for a paid dating site today) And I date and date, yet I don’t really put myself out there. After all, who likes getting hurt?

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200+ Followers!

It’s weird. More than two hundred people read this blog. People I don’t know. Most of you are lurkers (hello!) but for the ones that actively comment and what not; I would have stopped long time ago if you hadn’t.

Which brings me to my next points; it’s a little weird and scary that so many people read about my (sometimes) embarrassing adventures and my outpour of emotions. Thank God for¬†anonymity.

Also; even sadder, this blog has been running for sixteen months. Yes, that is sad. In sixteen months, I have had countless dates, met loads of interesting and not so interesting men, met a few assholes, met a few with great potential that eventually broke my heart, had good and bad sex and in the end… lead to nothing.

Here’s to hoping this blog will not make it to two full years. But I’ll keep you updated in the meantime.

Thanks!

I’m so fucking pissed

I’m angry. Bear with me.

Since the Stud’s holiday has started, I texted him to set up a date. The one where we’re supposed to have ‘the talk’. It turns out, he will be with the other chick on the other side of the country until Monday or Tuesday, has sports commitments on Thursday, and will then go see his family on Friday through the weekend. And me? I am so lucky. He can squeeze me in on Wednesday night after eight. I’m so fucking pissed.

I told him that if he needed to squeeze me in, I would prefer to postpone. No, it wasn’t squeezing. I have him a curt ‘fine. We’ll meet Wednesday. Hope you have fun.’ He said he would and gave me a bird emoticon. What the hell. I said I didn’t doubt that, and left it at that. He knows I know what he’s gonna do. I guess this chick doesn’t feel like a number anymore all of a sudden. (Her reason for denying him previously). Yet he spends a good three of four days with her, and I get a whole fucking three hours on a Wednesday night. Do not dare throwing me a fucking bone. I’m so fucking pissed.

I will be sitting on my hands for the next few days, and will save it up for Wednesday. He’s getting the full load. Do not give me the ‘people change’ crap and then bang another chick that has only just told you she doesn’t like your moral. Don’t do me any fucking favors by squeezing me in on a fucking Wednesday night. He better have a real good story on Wednesday, but right now I feel like just texting him that I’m done.

I AM PISSED THE FUCK OFF

He brought his dog

Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat. He came to my town, which is always a plus. When I was waiting for him, I saw a guy come out of the parking garage, but doubting if it was him. Who would bring a dog to a date? Well, he did. He came straight off a boat he had a job on, working boots, torn shirt, and paint all over himself, his beard and his clothes. Eh… ok. I’m not judging. We went to my local bar, and sat outside. It was a little awkward at first. He was very relaxed, of the kind that doesn’t need conversation to have a good time. I kinda do. We talked a bit, silence. Talked a bit, silence. And I decided to not try so hard. He was on this date also. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but told me bits and pieces about himself. I like the whole hippie thing, but he was on the other end of my universe. He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment, does not own anything except for his car and dog, plans on sailing the world one day, gets bored if he makes too much money, so whatever he earns goes into his own boat. He squats in an abandoned school to have an address, has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex-wife. I mean, wow. He seriously doesn’t give a fuck about anything. We called it a night after three drinks, I took him back to his car, got a big hug, and off he went. The next day, he messaged me on Tinder (while he has my number) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone, because he lost it. I hope he’s not insinuating I took it.

Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine. After several rounds of sushi, she was up to date about the situation with the Stud, and we decided to go for drinks. We went to this totally laid back bar by the water, where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers, and get your own drinks. While my friend got the first round, two guys asked if they could join us. Absolutely. We ended up talking to them the whole night. My friend, who is engaged and has a child, hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids, so I was left talking to the most attractive, single one. By the time we looked at our watches, my friend freaked out as she’d missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she’d parked way out of town. The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride. So her new friend went to drop her off at her car, and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station. When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook, I figured it was save enough to ask for his number. By the time I was on the train, he had already found me, and so I sent him a message in return. Turns out he’s coming to my town on Friday, and asked if I wanted to do it again. Sure thing. Date it is!

And then there is the Stud of course. We have been in touch only a little, he’s been super busy working on the weekends. When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do. I told him we’d do it when he was on holidays and relaxed. His holiday starts tomorrow, so should be soon! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation, but I still have a hard time believing this, and I really don’t want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment.

Anticipation

First things first; the cliche about tall, blonde Scandinavians are true. And they’re all hipsters. Oh my. Heaven.

When I got back; I received a message from the Stud asking how it was. We went back and forth for a bit; until he asked me how I’d liked the Vikings. Had I taken advantage of them? No, I had a roomie. That doesn’t mean anything, he said. I joked that I behaved myself and that I’m not that kind of girl. He said that can be interpreted in a few different ways. All in all; he really wanted to know. When I asked if I should be quizzing him as well, he informed me he had not had sex this weekend, intentionally, and that it had to do with his visit to me. I seized the opportunity and asked if it was ‘the other girl’ that had come over, as he’d told me days before. Yes, she was. Why no sex? Turns out, he had told her about our weekend (I wonder how you get to that point in a conversation with another woman) and that she had told him she thought he was too casual, his moral was a bit too loose for her liking, and she’d feel like a number if she slept with him. All good points. So, he didn’t intentionally not have sex, he was denied.

I guess his visit to me ruined that for him. I asked him exactly that and said that I was under the impression he didn’t want to have anything casual at the moment. He said people changed. Hence his visit to me. I stared at my phone for a good while. It sounded like he was lucky not to have had to pay for it. Couple hours later, I told him I was sure he didn’t mean it the way it came across, but that I could not think of an appropriate response¬†as he was leaving a lot of room for interpretation. He immediately apologized, said he didn’t mean that, and suggested we talk about this face to face. While I think that’s a really good thing and I am happy he is taking it seriously, I do think he will tell me things I don’t want to hear. Either way, we’ve been in touch a lot; told me he loved a photo I uploaded, and is being super interested in my new nephew. (I’m an auntie now!) We decided to meet when he’s off work for three week, which will be starting next week.

Dating wise nothing much happened. The Tinder guy I really wanted to meet last week has been flaky. He wanted me to come to his town real bad, and tried real hard. He lives an hour and a half away from me. I don’t think so. We then scheduled for tomorrow, and yesterday he gave me the lame excuse he thought it was next week Wednesday. Eh no. Moving on.

I’m talking to two more guys that are quite interesting; one is a Canadian that lives by the beach (good enough reason) and one total hippie that lives on a houseboat and I have fantastic conversation with. We talked about seeing the football game together on Saturday, so let’s see.