Anxiety

Last weekend, I went on that awkward drink that John was going to be at. Until an hour before, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. I didn’t want to, but didn’t really have a choice. And I have to say, I am not an anxious or nervous person, but my stomach was all twisted about this one. Everything inside me was telling me not to do it. But I went. I came late, on purpose, and he wasn’t there yet. There was actually one other person there, somebody I actually liked, so I calmed down a bit.

An hour later, John shows up with a few others. I say hello and exchange hugs with everyone while John procrastinates. But eventually he comes, gives me a hug and I get the traditional three kisses. He says he wasn’t sure if I would be there, as I had been listed as an optional attendee. I bite back on asking him if he was disappointed I was there, and just smile. As the night goes on, he gets a little drunk. At some point, I end up siting next to him, he spills some nuts he’s eating, and asks me if I have seen his nuts. I look him dead in the eyes and say ‘why yes, yes I have.’ He has the decency to flush. All in all, I think we’re good.

So, the Stud! I realized earlier that we’re heading for a fourth date. I have not made it that far in a long time, how sad! I asked him if he would like to go on another date before I left, to which he said he’d actually like that. As we’re both super busy this week, (he’s at his father’s again, I am traveling) we settled for Friday. I took Friday afternoon off and don’t fly until Saturday evening, which is a good thing as Friday seemed like the only option. We’ve yet have to narrow down time and place, but to be honest, I can’t wait.

And of course, I’m a little anxious. (yeah yeah). As I said it’ll be a fourth date, but also knowing that he is not really looking for something serious, I don’t quite know where we stand. Why do I even need to know? I don’t really want to have a conversation about it, because we haven’t spoken about relationships or expectations, and I feel that now it’d be a little too late. Though, still I want to find out if he actually likes me or thinks he could. I figured if he still wants to see me after my holiday, I’ll see how it feels. After all, fourth date! A milestone for me, how sad. But then; why would you go past three dates if you’re not really into someone? Ah, the mindgames.

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