Jaded

A few days ago, Currylove wrote a post about a date she went on, and ended by saying she was wondering if her date would ever come back from the bathroom when he’d been gone for a long time.

It got me thinking about all the dating I do, too. I’m thirty years old, and it still manages to make me feel insecure, unworthy and anxious. It’s fucking ridiculous. Why do I allow it to happen? Will the world end if someone doesn’t like me back? Will I be alone forever if a date doesn’t work out?

But at the same time, like Curry says, I too am so fucking jaded by all the bullshit I have absolutely no faith. I too would wonder if they climbed out the bathroom window, no matter how good the date. There must be something he didn’t like, and that’d be all me. I’ve seen too much shit from guys that never called back, put me on ignore, did not have the balls to tell me they’re just not that into me or were just straight up assholes.

Even this week, after my third date with the Stud, I did not hear from him in two days. He never responded to a message I sent him. And what did I do? I assumed he must have been turned off by the last time he saw me, tired and unattractive after a yoga session. There must have been something about me he was disappointed with. And knowing he was not a texter, I was not going to be pushy, cave and be the one to follow him around. He hadn’t seemed like that kind of jackass, but hey, I could have misjudged. If he changed his mind about me, fuck. But I was not going to make a fool of myself. And when he did text, this morning, apologies and all, I realized just how fucking jaded I am, always expecting the worst.

The outcome? No, he hadn’t minded my look at all, and yes, he would like to see me before I go on holiday in a week and a half. And me? I laughed at myself for being so stupid. But not really. Hopefully we’ll manage before I leave.

On another, kind of but not really, note; tomorrow I have an after work drink scheduled with a group of people, including John. You bet I am bringing in the makeup and all. Let’s see who will win this game.

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9 thoughts on “Jaded

  1. Wait till you hear abt last night’s date. Sigh. I didn’t even have the energy to blog after that draining experience.

    Thx for the mention 🙂 though, i hate that we (and others!) feel this way!!!! What a waste of energy.

  2. Boo! chin up chicks, when Im feeling low like this I have an SOS call I make to my mates who know its a signal to send me messages telling me how awesome I am. Corny, a little self indulgent, but it works : )

  3. It is a gigantic effort not to think, every time, “what won’t he like about me? Surely he is madly in love with some gorgeous size 8 ballerina who doesn’t love him back and that’s why he’s bothering to go on a date with me?” Then I try very hard to remember that my friends tell me I’m fabulous, I’ve got the world’s best shoes, and that I’m pretty nice just the way I am – and if he doesn’t agree then that’s his call.

    I’m not sure if that is classed as ‘arrogance’ or ‘self-preservation’. But it’s hard to date in your thirties without being at least a smidge cynical and expecting the worst.

    • Exactly that, especially if you consider them to be out of your league. I thought we were supposed to have outgrown that, but the older you get, the worse your expectations!

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