Dates, dates, dates

I went on two dates this weekend. On Friday morning, I had a coffee date with the redheaded yogi from OKC. We met at the local coffee joint (he had biked half an hour through the rain) and it was all very civilized. A little skinny for my taste, but he had his stuff together, was easy to talk to and not nervous at all. And, he was very efficient. After two hours, on the dot, he put and end to it. He might be a serial dater and working a strategy! He offered to keep me company if my NY’s eve plans still fell through and followed up with a text this morning. I told him I¬†straightened it out (really don’t want to go there just yet) but took him up on his offer for a second date. I’m not really into him, but I keep telling myself off not to write them off so quickly anymore.

Date number two was last night with the Tinder guy. We met at the train station, and made our way into town for drinks. Physically, I was not attracted to him. He had a good face, but he was small, and a little boyish. But, we had a good time, he was easy to talk to and had so much in common it was a little eery. On top of that, he’s a survival expert, very outdoorsy and does stuff like IronMan. He held open doors for me and brought me back to the train. I really wanted to like him…

Then! The POF guy. On Friday night, I was supposed to meet him, but when he told me he was hoping he’d recognize me and I told him he would because my picture was recent, he confessed his wasn’t. Major red flag. I told him I’d appreciate it if he would send me a recent photo as this did not make me feel comfortable. He said I shouldn’t judge by one photo, and that it was too late now because time and place had been set. Oh hell no. Staying home sounded like a better option. I told him just that, after which he finally emailed me a photo. Exactly what I expected. It wasn’t awful, but he didn’t look anything like the one online. So I cut him off with a short message that I didn’t appreciate being mislead and that for me, it’s a flag for more issues. He sent me four (!) emails to say how disappointed he was with me and what not. Glad I dodged that one.

Finally, the Ginger got in touch with me, to inform me he wasn’t excited about spending NY’s eve together. Mind you, I had never confirmed we would. But, he added, he didn’t say it to be mean. I told him the way he said it was indeed mean, but that I had gotten used to that with him quite quickly. I told him again to delete my photos, how to use the pills I’d sent him a while ago and best of luck with everything. He said he wasn’t trying to be mean, he just wanted to be honest with me but he sometimes had troubles voicing his feelings. They were not black or white when it came to me, and they were ever changing. Could he still let me know how the pills worked out? And he did like chatting to me. Clearly this man is scared to let go of something. I’m not gonna be kept on the back-burner, thanks a lot. Make up your damn mind and until then, leave me alone because I can’t be hung up on you. And please stop ending your messages with X-es.

So, NY’s eve. Just when I had decided that maybe I should stay home, give myself a break and reflect for a bit, my friend Anna convinced me to come to her neighborhood party. She is even nice enough to drive me home afterwards. Home alone or champagne amongst people? People it is.

Back on the horse

Despite all the changes of heart I’ve had and the back and forth in between my feelings about the situation with the Ginger; I haven’t texted him. Yay. He sure has texted me though. I have replied sporadically, but what it comes down to is I feel like he is confused, and with this holiday month, he’s not so happy about being alone. He hasn’t heard anything from him friends (wonder why if he’s treated them the same way), and he realizes the toll his lifestyle has taken on his social life. So he’d rather settle for the moment as to not be alone and then come January, someone’s gonna get hurt again. When he found out I have no plans for NY’s eve, (curses for all my friends having babies) he was quick to suggest we could celebrate and get drunk together. I ain’t gonna be your backup plan, my friend.

So I have thrown myself back into the dating game. When stuff like this happens my mind always goes into overdrive and I get nervous about being 30 and alone. (how sad). Tomorrow, I have a coffee date with a guy that practices yoga as much as I do. And, oh cruel twist of fate, is a redhead as well. We talked for a bit on OKC, and I know little about him except that he’s a physiotherapist. We’ll see how that goes.

Then on Saturday, I’m going for a drink with a guy off Tinder. My first Tinder date! He’s quite attractive, I dare say out of my league, but he seems a little too eager to meet. He texts a little too much and he even kind of invited me over for NY’s. Mind you, we haven’t even met yet. Hopefully it’s harmless, but I foresee a man with issues.

Finally I’m setting up a date with a guy from POF that I know absolutely nothing about. Keeps it interesting!

When the dust settles

As usual, I wonder if I overreacted. The pain of rejection has subsided and my two feet are back on the ground.

He sent me a friendly message to ask if I was alright. And I am, I really am. I have booked myself to be ridiculously busy during my 2 week holiday break, and now that I’ve got it off my chest, I feel a lot better.

And then I start thinking. Was I in love with the Ginger? No. Did I think I could ever be? Yes. Did I become emotional just because I was rejected, or because I didn’t realize how much I liked him? I can’t make up my mind. Would I be ok seeing him again knowing he doesn’t like me that way and might never? Probably. Am I telling myself these things because I am missing intimacy? Maybe.

All in all, did I make a mistake by reacting so quickly and should I have taken some time to think about how I actually felt about him before telling him I couldn’t see him again?

If I were to tell him that, how does that come across? (Don’t worry, I won’t just yet in this state) He’d probably think I’m saving my face, lying or desperate. Or confused.

To what extent did I fuck up?

I really like you…

but. Yup, I got that one yesterday. In other words, I got dumped. I was hoping to be able to write something happier about the Ginger, but here we go.

He got back from touring last weekend, and as usual, we’d been in touch pretty much daily. I was looking forward to his return and seeing him again, but when he hadn’t asked about meeting after a few days, I did. He said ‘sure’. Well that didn’t sound too enthusiastic, and when I asked, he told me he wanted me to know he wasn’t head over heels, and felt that I should know. He thought I was great and loved spending time with me, but didn’t think it would go beyond that. Well fuck me.

I told him I kind of had thought that way and thanked him for his honesty. Then, I asked him to delete some of the photos I had sent him. Nothing explicit, but still. To which he replies ‘is it all over then?’ Uhm well, isn’t that what you’re telling me? So I said that if he didn’t see it going anywhere seeing him would be awkward for me and kind of pointless, because I did like him. He said he understood, and had just wanted to see where I stood in this thing. (Seriously, what’s wrong with a phonecall?) I decided to suck it up. Told him it was a bummer for me, but tough luck. ¬†And said that I felt led on by all the texting. (Why else would you do that if you’re not into someone?). He apologized. Coming back to his question of it being all over, I asked him what he wanted from me. He said ‘I dunno… friendship?’

So that’s that. He told me twice he thought I was really great and he really liked me. But apparently not enough for anything serious. I would have been happier if he’d said I was a bitch. Because what’s missing then? I kind of got the idea he was expecting me to be ok with it and be open for meeting up for sex (or indeed friendship, who knows) and did not expect me to put an end to it like this. My friends agreed, thinking he might come back after realizing what he had after it’s gone, but I doubt it. And it doesn’t make me feel better. I cried for about an hour last night and then got it together. I do feel better today but I feel like I lost something. Which is weird.

I have to admit I miss the daily texts. I have to sit on my hands to not send him a note. I don’t hate him, he’s not a jackass. At least he was honest and clear and didn’t drag it out for months. He deleted his online profile today, maybe he realized women actually want more from you if you’re on a dating site. Also, I feel a bit lonely. Another fail.

Do I text him? Do I be nice and show him I can be friends if he wants to? Show him I am actually fantastic and see if he’ll turn around? Ugh. Help!

Encounters

Last week, I went to dinner with my friend Adya. I was supposed to pick her up from the train station, but was running late. In I stormed in my heels, ruffling the rain out of my hair and texting her in the meantime. And when I looked up, John stood there looking at me from across the hall. Thank God I had dressed up and put make-up on. He smiled and mouthed a ‘you ok?’ at me which I nodded at, and then he kept going. To avoid awkwardness, I had no choice but to walk over to him. We made smalltalk for a bit, he said he hadn’t seen me for a while at work, so I told him I’d been off for a while. I was majorly tempted to point out that I am seeing someone, but managed to keep it in. Within a minute, Adya showed up, and very curiously at that. I ended the conversation with John rather abruptly, and escorted her out of there before I was forced to make introductions. Not that she didn’t know the stories, but he didn’t have to know that.

Couple nights later, I received a text from Louis. My cheating French colleague. I had not heard from him in a very long time, and I was very surprised. He asked me when I would be back from holidays, and asked if we would have ‘danger’ when I was. I told him there’d be no danger going forward as far as I was concerned. I said I was seeing someone and didn’t want to screw anything up that might be going well for me. Whether I am seeing someone or not; this was the perfect opportunity to end things. Well, the sex things. He reacted very well, said he was happy for me, and asked if he was still allowed to talk to me. Sure, though I wonder what he’d have to say. We never talked about anything at all.

Then; yesterday at work, I was in line at our cafeteria staring off in the distance when I was nudged by John who apparently wanted to say hi. I laughed it off and said I was a little spaced out, and off he went to put together his salad. When I sat down with my colleagues, he sat down next to us to have lunch with someone. Of all the places he could have sat. A little awkward for me. I have to say, he looks good lately.

So, am I actually seeing the Ginger? Last weekend he was home for a 3 day break from touring again, but did not want to meet up. And told me that after I asked him. He was tired and had to do a zillion things. Fair enough, he wanted space. So that’s what I gave him. Contact was minimal (yet daily still) for a few days, and now that he’s gone again we’ve been texting as usual every day. He comes home on the weekend and will be home for a month and a half. And I can’t wait. He’s celebrating Christmas with his parents (I don’t care for Christmas) but I don’t know about the NY’s eve plans. I am planning mine as usual, assuming it is way too early to be spending it together, but I am curious to see if he’ll bring it up. I have got no clue what his social life here is like.

I am off again for 2 weeks with the holidays, and he’s asked me to come over, so we’ll see how it goes. I know he is still online on the dating site (as am I) but don’t know how active he is. Next Friday we have our annual company party, which is always absolute mayhem, and when I told him, he asked about drunkenness and one night stands. He didn’t seem to care much, though hard to tell through text messages. I kind of want to know what’s up, but yet I am a pussy! Anyway, I don’t think 2 months of dating means anything, so I’ll take it easy!