Regrets

You might remember I talked about a trip to the US I was taking for work last week. Well, that has come and gone, and I’m back, and not completely unscathed, if you will! Let me start at the beginning.

You may even remember that I went for a running event. I went to participate in what could possibly be the biggest relay race in the world (yup, google that and you’ll know where I’ve been) that spans just about 200 ┬ámiles. About 50 teams from offices around the world in my company participate, and we went with about 200 people from my office. We were made up of teams of 12, and in my team, we all happened to kind of know each other. Technicalities.

So I arrived a few days early, did the tourist thing, and then as of last Wednesday, we were in full fledged pre-race programs. We visited our head offices, trained some more, did some teambuilding and had lots or carb and protein filled dinners. (Read burgers and beer.) On one of those nights, I happened to be the last woman standing at our fancy hotel bar, together with, let’s call him John. John is the last man standing and I am not surprised. He’s British and knows where to put it. John is in my team and I had never really talked to him, because he always seemed like kind of a dick. Anyway, we finish our last drink, and decided to hit a famous strip club in town. Colleagues had told me to go there, and he was up for it. Though once we hit the elevator, he made his move and pushed the button for his floor. We got off, ran into his roommate in the hallway, and before I knew it, he was told to ‘go hang out’ for a while.

John latched the door, and he is not as drunk as I thought he was, as he has no problems getting it up. So we get to business. I have to ask him twice for a condom, and twice he bluntly tells me ‘it’s not happening’. In my inebriated mind (or that’s what I tell myself, I wasn’t that drunk) I am thinking ‘a little longer, I’ll stop on time’. He is a fantastic kisser, though that is hardly good enough reason. Somehow I snap out of it though, and leave him. Just in time, as his roommate has had enough and wants to get back into the room.

Back in mine, I take a shower, get into bed and hate myself for what has just happened. I can’t believe I’ve gone that far, with another colleague yet again and this time someone else knows. I manage to fall asleep, but wake up feeling exactly the same the next day. I’m disgusted with myself and don’t know what to do. We have another day of teambuilding and during the actual race, we’ll be together in a van for 30 hours. I don’t see him at breakfast, which is good, but once we get on the bus to go to the office, he’s there. He mouths a ‘okay?’ and I nod. During the day I stay away from him a little, but he doesn’t make special efforts to do the same. Eventually we go through a little small talk to test the waters, and it’s not too awkward.

The next day, the race starts, and I decided to be as good as this thing as I normally am. And so we’re stuck in the van with our other 4 teammates, joke around, do our runs, and I am the navigator for a while when he drives in the middle of the night. All goes well and there is no awkwardness. At occasional times we are alone when he walks me to my starting point or when others are sleeping, and it’s all good. Sometimes I feel he is about to take a breath and address the situation, but he never does and neither do I. I feel that there are things unsaid, and I have to bite my own tongue. I am not that girl. He’s nice to me, sticks up for me when the vicious gay guy in our van bitches at me, and apologizes when the team is not there for when I finish the race in the last leg. I can’t help but think he does this out of guilt, after all he hated my guts and he must be nervous about opening my mouth.

We’re on the same flight back, as well as his roommate. We all have breakfast at the airport, have a horrible flight with puking, screaming kids and then say our goodbyes at our home airport. He and I are the last ones to wait for our trains, and as I only have 2 minutes before mine leaves, we have a quick hug and don’t say much. And today, not exactly looking my best, I run into him at the office. Awesome.

So all in all, I have myself to blame for this. I don’t feel any less awful about it than I did last week. When will I learn? I keep saying I deserve better, but maybe I don’t. I am going to let this go completely, but feel unhappy about the whole thing. Ugh. Feel free to comment with your advice or judgements!

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When I chickened out.

Having sex at work is something I wouldn’t normally do. Louis would. He has told me he actually has had sex in a bathroom three times. During work hours. That’s right.

So when he had told me that coming to my house was not an option anymore, he opened up the possibility of having sex at work. I didn’t really respond to it; couldn’t really see myself scraping together the courage to actually do something like that.

But today, when I texted him I had a meeting in his building, he, as I expected, immediately suggested we get it on. I told him probably not, but I’ll go check out your secret bathroom and let you know. The thought of it made me nervous, and I was barely able to suppress that during the meeting even though I knew there was no way I would go through with that.

I did go downstairs, to the garage entry where he said was a bathroom. It was right at the entrance and while not the main entrance, it got plenty of traffic. We would be able to sneak in and out unseen, but the thought of hearing the door open and close all the time and the potential of someone having to use the bathroom while we would be in it put me off. Yes, it’s exciting, but I do care too much about my job to get caught. Thursday afternoon at 4 did not seem like a good time for that.

He asked me what I thought and if he should come down. I told him it made me nervous, that there was a lot of traffic. And that I wasn’t carrying a condom. That was okay, we could do a lot of other stuff? I wanted to, but I didn’t. And so I chickened out. He was cool about it, understanding it was a work environment. We could save it for when we would both be happening to be working late. That sounds a lot better. To be honest, I am not even disappointed with myself for not going through. Feels quite good actually!

I am off the the US on Saturday, wish me luck on the Abercrombie hunks!

Outcomes

So it seemed Louis was in doubt about last week’s encounters. I had decided to leave him alone. I didn’t want to give him any leads that I would be into him for more than occasional sex. He continued to text me though, and I responded cautiously, I still had no idea what he wanted.

And then last week, when he found out I had been in his building at work, he was completely on again. He mentioned how thinking about having sex with me at work was a turn on for him, as opposed to what we had been doing. Excuse me? He reveals that coming over to mine in the morning seemed too planned and awkward to him. I point out that there’s not really another way to do this but to plan to which he agrees but then says that it went a little too easily and that scares him. Ah.

While I can understand it (sure, having to plan it this way is a little forced) but if he wants to cheat, I don’t really know what he was expecting. But I leave it, I’m not a bitch. He keeps hinting at having sex again, so I am not sure how exactly he wants to ‘plan’ it. Seriously, I am not even the one with a relationship yet I am having to do a little too much work for this than I’d like. Anyway, he has been away on a long weekend trip with his family, so I haven’t heard anything, and as usual, I will leave it up to him.

Also, next weekend I’ll be going on a semi business trip to the US for a week. Semi because I’ll be running a half marathon on behalf of my employer (with about 200 colleagues) and I’ve taken a few extra days to meet friends that happen to live in the same city and get some shopping done. I haven’t been in the US in 10 years, and I can’t wait! And secretly I am hoping to meet a hot Abercrombie stud!

He’s A Cheater

I’d prefer not to think about what that makes me. Anyway, the French colleague I had been exchanging rather revealing texts with, decided it was worth the risk. He wanted to come over. My hinting at ‘what does your girlfriend think of all your texting?’ was met with a ‘I’m at football training and she goes to bed before 10pm.’ Alright then. So the date was set for last Monday. He’d stop by before going to work. I’m not a huge fan of morning sex, especially when I don’t really know what time he’ll come and I have to be at work before 9, but hey. I’m willing to give it a try for good sex. And let’s face it; it had been a while.

He showed up at 7:50, which left me enough time for a shower. Instead of ringing my incredibly loud doorbell and waking up the neighbors, he knocked. Bonus points. I had been nervous about it being awkward; would he still be attractive, or had I fantasized about it too much? Awkwardness went out the window quickly as he was exactly as I remembered, and he didn’t waste any time.

I wish I could say it was amazing. It was okay, but he didn’t live up to the standard he’d set for himself. He’d told me he was a good kisser. He wasn’t. When he first kissed me I immediately worried; we all know what they say about bad kissers. He adjusted quickly though and got on with it. I’d say we were pretty efficient. Little bit of oral, and finishing off in doggy. He took a quick shower, and left. I did the same afterwards, and felt a little unsatisfied. Literally. I could tell he was used to doing the same thing over and over. There was potential, sure, but I needed to figure out whether I was disappointed or not.

Subsequently, I never contacted him. All the contact was initiated by him. Not in the least because I wasn’t going to be the one that made his girlfriend say ‘who the hell are you texting all the time?’. That day, he checked in to see if I was okay, and if I had any regrets. I wondered. No, I didn’t have any regrets, but when he asked if I enjoyed myself, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I think I had, but at the same time… should I tell him he didn’t need to be so gentle? Or that he talked too much? Or that I didn’t come? I did none of that. Shame on me.

He came round again on Thursday. I had decided to give him a second chance to see if I was right about his potential. Also, he continued to text me, which I thought was nice. He showed up at the same time, and seemed a bit more relaxed. Again he wasted no time, quickly stripped me out of my clothes and went down on me. And, I have to say, he was the first in a while spending a good amount of time eating me out. With success. Generally, the sex was a lot better, and I felt a whole better when he left, and I think he did too.

But then I didn’t hear anything all day. So I text him in the evening, asking how he is. He replies, and asks if I had a good time. I did, had he enjoyed himself? And then something like this happens. Let’s call him Louis.

Louis: Don’t get me wrong, but as a good guy it’s not always easy to find the right balance.

Me: (Balance is gone as soon as you cheat, but I don’t say that) Feeling guilty?

L: Not guilty, I did what I wanted to do, but the question is more how long I can continue if you see the difference.

Me: I’m not sure I get it, sorry.

L: No problem, even for me it’s hard to follow because I have various feelings going through my head.

And there is a short conversation of me telling him he doesn’t owe me anything and that he can just let me know what he wants to do. Which he says he’ll do when the 10.000 voices in his head calm down. Though, he has been texting me all weekend. For one; I don’t think he is a good guy, and I would have understood if he felt guilty. I was even surprised when he said he didn’t. I have no clue what he is on about. I can’t deal with indecisiveness, in whatever situation. I would completely understand if he wanted to quit, and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either.

I don’t understand how he would put a family on the line for booty, and how he can be so reckless, even. His girlfriend works for the same company. I have never seen her, but the risks that he is taking blow my mind. I could have known her, and be setting him up. I’m sure that hasn’t even crossed his mind. I’d never do such a thing, I care too much about my own reputation, but still. And if this continues, I am determined to get into his mind and find out about the psyche of a cheater. And what the above conversation means.