Yes, in quotes. Because when I told Anna this story, she high fived me, but when I told my best friend Brooke (who knows all my dirty little and big secrets) she was a little upset with me putting myself out there again. I still feel okay about it, but here is the story on how I took ‘revenge’ on Sean a few weeks ago.

I had a work related drink in the city that he lives in, and had kind of forgotten all about him, until I ran into him at the last bar we were at. Or actually, he ran into me. He tapped me on the shoulder and wanted to know why he hadn’t heard from me. Talk about straightforward. I gave him a lame excuse about being busy (I’ve never been good at telling men the truth face to face) but I did tell him that I felt like each time we met, he put me in an awkward position. We small-talked for a while, until he said he’d love to cook for me and just talk for a while. My mind was racing. I hadn’t had dinner yet, most importantly. I knew what kind of ‘talking’ he meant, and there were two things I could do in my mind: say no and go home, say yes and treat him like he’d treated me. I opted for the latter, being the wonderful human being that I am.

And so we went. He did cook. He did ask me a few questions. We showed me some music stuff he had been working on, and tried to jump me in the middle of it. I pushed him way and told him to take it easy. I made him sit it out for an hour, and once we got busy, did very little to help him going. He got it up alright, we fooled around for a bit, and he thought I’d be ready to go without him having even touched me below the waist. Not happening. I told him he might want to put some effort into it, and he got to it. Kind of. Expectedly. He messes around for a bit, flips me over and takes me from behind, and surprise surprise, he loses it after a few minutes. I wasn’t too disappointed as I had been prepared for all of it. He keeps trying for a bit, and then gives up. To be fair, I had been going through the motions only and not being very helpful in that aspect, which must have been very attractive, but hey.

He lays on top of me for a bit, kisses me and plays with my breasts, and then gets off the bed. I don’t think so. I ask him if he wants to help me out there. He has the nerve to ask me what I mean. Oh my. I tell him I want to get off. He gets back on the bed, and starts feeling me up, but that’s not what I want. I tell him to go down on me. Literally. He moves down a bit, messes around, but doesn’t go below my waist. That was exactly what I was expecting him to do, he’d never gone down on me, so I kind of wanted to push him and see if he would, or if he has more issues. I don’t believe in having to return the favor sex-wise, but after out history, tonight I was. I laid there for a bit, waiting for him to move down, and he didn’t. I tell him again. Literally tell him to put his mouth on me. He does nothing, lays on top of me breathing as if he needs to catch his breath from all the non action.

At this point, I am more amused than upset as my assumptions have been confirmed, but I don’t want him to know. I push him off me and clean myself up in the bathroom. When it’s his turn, I sit on the bed, and check my phone app for the trains. What usually would happen is that I woud stay and leave the following morning like all is okay. But not tonight. I saw that I had 25 minutes to catch the last train. I raced to put on my clothes, and when he came out of the bathroom, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. ‘No, not really,’ And I started putting my socks and shoes on. I can tell he’s a little taken aback as he’s unsure of what I’m doing. Do I want to watch a movie? ‘No.’ Silence. Am I going home? ‘Yeah… (intentional awkward silence) I kind of have an early morning tomorrow. And long day.’ Oh. Won’t I be home super late? ‘No… well… kind of, but I really want to go now.’ He is clearly confused. Do I want some water before heading out? ‘No.’ I put  on my backpack. I told him to have a good night, and I left.

It may sound lame, and karma is going to bite me in the ass for this one, but it felt good. He did exactly the same as he had in previous meetings, which was nothing, and I liked giving him a taste of his own medicine. And I liked leaving him hanging, and hopefully feeling like shit as he knew I was leaving due to his non performance.

Speaking of karma, I got a message from Sebastien last night, asking if I was still upset. I told him no, but that he had irritated the crap out of me. He said he understood, was sorry and wanted to take me out for a drink to make up. I don’t know what to do. He might have told me the truth last week, and he probably realized he better be nice as he’s got no one else to fuck. Any advice?

Anyway, I will leave you with this as I go on retreat for a week on Saturday. Lots of nothingness to clear my mind and relax for a bit. Who knows, I might come back with a clear mind!

On being a jerk

After feeling apprehensive about Sebastien and his tendency to talk about sexual preferences through text messaging, I had not been in touch with him all week, and neither had he. Until today.

He sent me a message asking to talk on Skype, and as I wasn’t doing anything, I logged on. The conversation quickly shifted to sex and plans for the night. As neither of us had any, it’s decided that he comes over. Again he kind of wants me to do a list of things, and I’m feeling ballsy and call him out on it. I tell him he expects a whole lot from me when it’s supposed to be playful and fun for both us us, and that he’s making me feel uncomfortable by doing so. He goes back and forth a bit and says that that’s not what he’s going for, but that I shouldn’t be shy and let him know what I want from him. Missing the point buddy. I told him straight up that it’s not going to happen this way and if that’s all he wants, good luck finding someone else no strings attached. We all know how easy that is for men. He either gets nervous or genuinely gets it, and profusely apologizes. Fair enough, I’m all for second chances.

So half hour beforehand, I hop in the shower, do my thing, and look for something to wear that’s good enough but does not match all of his requirements. (He must learn). But before putting on my clothes, I check my phone. Gut feeling. I have one message that reads: ‘Can we do it tomorrow? I’m feeling lazy.’ Oh Hell No. If it were possible to have steam coming out of my ears… I send him a message saying that I am going to be lazy tomorrow so no, that will not work. Are you fucking kidding me? He then comes on Skype to say he is not in the mood. I tell him I am not in the mood tomorrow, and that maybe we should forget about the whole thing because he always seems to be lazy or tired. He disagrees, and I tell him that expecting a bunch of things from me and then canceling half hour before is seriously uncool. He agrees on that, and then that’s the end of our conversation.

There we go. He’s a jerk. Turning down casual sex because you’re ‘lazy’ is first of all the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard, and second of all, if you’re not into me after all, man the fuck up and say it. I’m still upset; excuse me while I go have a glass of wine!

When in doubt…

Yesterday, I woke up to the following text; ‘I dreamed about a threesome tonight.’ Signed, Sebastien. Good morning to you to. Mind if I have breakfast first? When I didn’t reply, he sent another one. ‘Are you into that?’.

This got me thinking. Maybe this whole friends with benefits / fuckbuddy thing is not for me. He might be the odd one out, but he has a few too many requirements than I prefer. Before our first date, he’d been very vocal about what he wanted me to wear. Stockings, lace and heels, to be exact. Even if I owned a pair of granny panties I wouldn’t have dared wearing those, but he seemed all too worried. Dude, you’re getting laid. Forward to his wanting nude pictures, video chat, asking about anal and now ever so ‘subtly’ bringing up threesomes, and I am uncomfortable.

I’m far from green, but the awkwardness lies in the feeling that’s creeping up on me. As nice as Sebastien is face to face, these things won’t come up but on text. His persistence irritates me. I have met him only a few things and he’s managed to make me feel cheap already. I know that’s (probably) not his intention and it’s my tremendous skill to over analyze everything, but one way or the other, I don’t want to be treated as a slut to obey his every wish. Oh and I know, I might be overreacting.

I love sex, and I was quite pleased to have someone on the regular, but if this is how it goes, I might have to let it go. I thought this was going to work out as I have no romantic feelings for him and we click sexually, but I guess it’s harder than I thought. Silly me for thinking it would be an easy hookup and have fun with it without too much hassle!

But then again, if I wanted to be reminded of an actual jackass, remember Sean? Saturday night at 9pm, he sent me 5(!) texts in a row asking if I wanted to jump on a train and come see him. Sure, as if I didn’t have a life of my own, let alone jump on a train late at night for a bad fuck. But to tease him a little bit, I suggested that it wasn’t very gentleman like for him to make me travel late, but that he was more than welcome to jump on the train himself. Needless to say, I am still waiting for an answer.

The Big No

Last night, Sebastien, the French guy came over again. It had taken a while after our first ‘date’, he’d  been working late nights and I had caught the flu. Add to that a few last minute cancellations on the days we did try, and it’s two weeks later.

In those two weeks however, we’ve been in touch quite a bit. Now I’m not much for sexting or Skyping and stuff, but he sure is. What would start off as innocent ‘what time do you get off work?’ texts quickly evolved into ‘I’m into anal these days, how do you feel about that?’ Uh… well now. One; I have only met you once. Two; I might be, but would never tell you just yet. Three; what is the deal with anal these days? I seem to be missing a trend here. Anyway, one night on Skype chat he states the obvious; he’s horny, how about I send him some pictures? That was also the night I was sick, which I had told him. I tell him no. There is no way in hell I am photographing myself buck naked to send to a guy. The internet is a dangerous place. He seemed to accept it, but only minutes later asked for it again. Dude, read my words. I am sick. Are you seriously expecting me to strip down, put on sexy stuff and start clicking away? I don’t think so. Do I want to go on video chat then? Hell. No. Oy… The real thing is so much better.

So finally, last night was the night. I finally felt better (he was terrified of catching anything as he can’t afford to be sick work wise) and he didn’t have to work too late. He came with wine and his good looking self. During the day I hadn’t really been into it, but as he had been talking about what he wanted to do to me, I was reminded when I saw him. We barely finished one glass of wine before he started taking off my clothes. He was eager, and before I knew it, I was fully naked on my couch. I have met few men who knew what they were doing with their tongue down there, and he wasn’t one of them. Shame, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. The one thing I love is that he’s an ass man. I love a bit of attention down there, and he definitely wasn’t shy about it. He puts my leg behind my head and fucks me, and I finally get him off by hand as he wants to come on my breasts.

We sit around and talk for a bit afterwards, have another glass of wine, and I’m thinking I wouldn’t mind if he went home. I’m hungry, and want to sit around for a bit before going to sleep because I have an early morning. So when he asks if I would scream at him if he took off, I shake my head. But then he sees my Buddha Air picture and enthusiastically starts telling me about airplanes. Half an hour later he’s gone, and I clean the room up a bit.

He’s a nice guy, though I think he’s one of those that would bore me to death over dinner, even though we have stuff to talk about. He texts when he says he will, hasn’t shown up empty handed, and he’s honest. Even calling him a friend with benefits would be too much, as we just have a mutual agreement to fuck when convenient.

I feel like this post is a bit all over the place this time, which is my state of mind today! It’ll be better next time, promised.

Oh La La…

Le French…! All of a sudden things progressed very quickly with the French guy who had canceled on me last weekend, and I found myself having a drink with him in the cold sunshine on Monday. After having the friend with benefits conversation I had told him that we would need to meet for drinks first, to see if there was at least some mutual attraction and general getting along there. He agreed, and we had a very impromptu before-dinner drink. So we sat, comfortably chatted for an hour, and parted ways. I found him very attractive, well dressed, jaw line length floppy hair, and the French accent in place. I wasn’t sure he felt the same about me. Let’s face it, he’s way out of my league.

When I got home I got a text; he had enjoyed meeting me and regretted not meeting earlier. I felt the same way, and naturally the conversation progressed into himself inviting him to my place. He stays at a B&B while looking for an apartment and is not allowed any guests, and I had told him before meeting I would not invite strangers to my house. Long story short, he came carrying a bottle of wine, we had a few glasses, and just as I was wondering if he was chickening out, he wanted to know what I was wearing underneath my skirt. Well, glad you asked!

I dragged him to the bedroom and he jumped on me, appreciating what I had on before taking it off, which is a big plus in my book! He was playful and it was hot. He had no problems getting and keeping it up (pfew) and made good efforts to pace himself. While I was reminded that my bed is embarrassingly noisy (hello, neighbor!) he literally fucked me, no inhibitions, and it’s been a while I’d been that worked up. In a good way. Relief feels so good.

Afterwards, he lingered for a bit, had a shower, “washed his little friend” (cue French accent) and we had a drink. He eventually left, texted me 10 minutes later he got home, thought it had been very hot, and loved the way I looked. You gotta love a guy for noticing.

The next day he texted me if I was alright, and stated he’d like to do it again, he’d enjoyed himself a whole lot. Well, me too, me too… Seems like he is a nice guy, so stay tuned for round number two!